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The Advantage of Child Support Calculation Through the Collaborative Divorce Process

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A recommended article written by Leslee J. Newman, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, and Family Law Specialist

“A divorce with children who are not yet adults includes decisions regarding child support payment.  In every state including California, there is a different formula to calculate child support.  If divorcing parents go to court and request a judge to make the child support order, the statewide formula must be used to arrive at the amount of the support to be paid from one parent to the other.  Find out how parents selecting an out-of-court process like collaborative divorce can create their own agreeable amount without going to court.”

Click the link below to read more.

https://divorcepeacemaker.com/blog_index/the-advantage-of-child-support-calculation-through-the-collaborative-divorce-process/

Horror Stories of the Delayed Divorce

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A recommended article written by Diana L. Martinez, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, Lecturer & Trainer

“As we enter the holidays, many divorcing couples choose to put their divorce on hold, preferring to focus on more enjoyable aspects of the season.  Unfortunately, this can make for a horror movie later on.  Before you slow things down, understand the potential nightmare lurking behind delays in your divorce, and how you can create a safer way to give yourself a much needed respite this holiday season.”

Click the link below to read more:

https://www.hbplaw.com/blog/2019/10/horror-stories-of-the-delayed-divorce/

Seven Reasons to do a Collaborative Divorce

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We recommend the following article titled “Seven Reasons to do a Collaborative Divorce” by John Denny, Collaborative Divorce and Mediation Attorney.   John expresses some very important views on the subject of Collaborative Divorce in the Orange County Area.

You can read the entire article at:   https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/seven-reasons-to-do-a-collaborative-divorce/

Do I need a financial specialist as well as a lawyer for my divorce?

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By Cathleen Collinsworth, CDFA®, MAFF®
www.cccfda.com
949.262.3692

 

Do I need a financial specialist as well as a lawyer for my divorce?  Won’t I be paying twice the money for two professionals to be doing the same work?  As in all questions relating to divorce, the answer is, “It depends.”  If the marital estate consists of assets such as a residence, retirement accounts, investments, and or credit card debts, you should consider hiring someone to assist you in fully understanding all the financial issues relating to the marital estate.

Misinformation and misconceptions about the divorce process can be detrimental.  Many have false expectations that they will be able to secure a divorce settlement allowing them to continue with their accustomed style of living.  Financial divorce analysis helps to ensure a good, stable economic future and prevents long-term regret with financial decisions made during the divorce process.

The financial work provided by a lawyer is not the same as that provided by a trained financial professional specializing in the divorce process.  In addition, being a CPA or a CFP does not mean that individual has specific training in family law financial matters.

As you go through the divorce process, finding the right professional to help you can become challenging.  Do your homework.

  • Find a financial analyst who has experience in family law.
  • Find someone who knows that there can be significant tax implications when the parties divorce.

A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) is someone trained in finances who has also taken financial courses specifically designed for the knowledge relating to divorcing couples.

 

Remember Assets Are Not Equal

Example 1:

Swapping a $50,000 interest in a joint savings account is not the same as receiving a $50,000 interest in a 401(k) plan.

There are no tax consequences to withdrawing the money from the savings account.

There will be current tax consequences as a result of withdrawing money from the 401(k) plan: You will pay ordinary income taxes on the amount withdrawn and, depending on the circumstances, you can pay a combined 12% penalty.

Example 2:

Swapping the family residence with $100,000 of equity with a stock account that currently has a $100,000 capital gain is not equal.  If the family residence is sold there could be no capital gains tax owed because there is a $250,000 ($500,000 if married) capital gain exclusion relating to the sale of the family residence.

Stock with a cost of $100,000 is sold for $200,000.  Gain of $100,000 could be taxed as high as 23.8% for the Federal Government or $23,800 thus leaving cash available of $76,200.

As you navigate through the divorce process you can make better decisions when you are fully informed of the impact of your financial decisions going forward.  The decisions you make now can impact your future financial status.

As you can see, not hiring the right financial professional can be costly.  Don’t roll the dice and hope for a good outcome.

Please do not hesitate to call if you have further questions, comments or would like additional information.

 

© 2018 Cathleen Collinsworth, CDFA®, MAFF® Cathleen Collinsworth is a CDFA®, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, and a MAFF®, Master Analyst in Financial Forensics, who has been practicing as a sole practitioner in Irvine since 2000.  She has been retained as a forensic accountant and expert witness to provide services in family law for 20+ years.  As a member of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County (CDSOC) since 2007 she has provided services as a Neutral Financial Specialist and team facilitator.  Cathleen has served on the Board of Directors of CDSOC and served as the President for 2016-2017.  She has extensive training in mediation and the interdisciplinary team model of collaborative practice and frequently mentors’ collaborative practitioners.  She has authored articles, presented seminars, been a guest speaker and has prepared instructional videos in the field of finances and family law during the last 20 years.  She currently serves on the Collaborative Divorce Education Institute’s Leadership and Training team and is a frequent trainer at the annual conferences of Collaborative Practice California, the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, and other professional conferences throughout California.  In 2015 Collaborative Practice California (CP Cal) awarded Cathleen the Eureka Award, which recognizes those who have made significant contributions and demonstrated an abiding dedication to establishing and sustaining Collaborative Practice in California.  Cathleen also serves as a CP Cal Delegate and is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).  A detailed list of her training can be found at https://www.collaborativepractice.com/members/2328.  For additional information, please visit her website at www.cccdfa.com.

The Divorce Options™ Workshop

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Marriage is supposed to last forever, but approximately half the marriages in California end in divorce.  Just as couples carefully plan their weddings, if divorce occurs, the dissolution process should be carefully researched and selected.

There are many choices to transition a family when a marriage ends.  One of the best ways to make an informed decision is with the assistance of the Divorce Options Workshop, a presentation which informs couples about all their divorce choices including mediation, collaborative divorce, court litigation, and self-representation.

Each Divorce Options Workshop features legal, financial, and mental health professionals who describe the different, interconnecting issues of divorce including the division of property, money, and the parenting of children.  Then with information acquired from the Divorce Options Workshop, individuals and couples can more intelligently and respectfully plan their divorce through the process which best suits them and their family.

Locally, in Orange County, the Divorce Options Workshop is presented through the Community Education program at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa.  Information about the locations, dates, and times, of the Divorce Options Workshop is available on this CDSOC website, by contacting any of our members, or the Orange Coast College Community Education program.

How to Help Your Children During Separation and Divorce

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.”
~Marian Wright Edelman, Founder, Children’s Defense Fund

 

Research about the effects of divorce on children indicates that:

  • Each year, over 1 million American children experience the divorce of their parents.1
  • Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems.2
  • Improving the relationships between parents and their children helps children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.3

Children are the innocent victims of divorce.  Divorce ranks second only to the death of a loved one as life’s most stressful experiences.4  Litigation, which by definition is adversarial, can compound that stress exponentially due to the hostility it can engender and the exorbitant costs that parents can incur.  “Combat divorce,” a common term for litigation, requires that each parent have the biggest battleship armed with the biggest guns, which take aim at the battleship of the other parent.  Let’s remember that, no matter what else changes, each of these soon to be “ex-spouses” forever remains their child(ren)’s other parent.  During the process of litigation, that obvious fact can become obscured in the harsh and adversarial language used to characterize the other spouse, thus making it almost impossible for each parent to think of the other parent as their child(ren)’s other parent and as a parent who possesses positive qualities.

So where are the children in this process?  To continue the “combat divorce” metaphor, they are huddled together in a foxhole wondering what has happened to the family they once knew.  As they tenaciously cling to each other in this bunker, they are shaking, fearing whether the next mortar will land in their foxhole or whiz over their heads.  Will they lose one or both of their parents permanently?  After all, it seems like it has been a short journey from their happy family with Mom and Dad playing with them in the park to the day when Dad or Mom moved out.  They never imagined that one of their parents would not be with them in their home.  Recently, they have overheard Mom and Dad fighting and talking about having to sell the house where they grew up and where they created so many happy memories.  They hear Dad and Mom discussing that they may have to change schools.  The thoughts are whirling through their minds: We will have to make new friends!  We won’t be able to be on our same soccer team!  What if we won’t be able to keep our doggie Duke and our kitty Miss Trouble because in our new rented house no pets will be allowed!  Mom and Dad are so stressed.  We can’t bother them with all these questions.  We must be very good and very quiet, so they don’t have to worry about us too.  We need to forget about how we feel and make sure Mom and Dad are ok.

The children have experienced so much uncertainty and unpredictability recently that on an unconscious level they realize that they cannot predict their future.  Nothing seems certain.  Life used to seem certain, but not any more.  So much has changed in such a short time, it certainly seems possible to them that they could lose their mom or dad.  Who will provide them with certainty, stability, and predictability?

“A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

When parents are in conflict, their children are in danger.  On-going parental strife produces the single most negative impact on children for years into their future.  Previously well-adjusted children can become at risk for both psychological and physical symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep disturbance, nausea, headaches, and the inability to focus and concentrate.  These symptoms can subsequently cause a delay in children’s development.  Difficulties in school academically, emotionally and socially can ensue.  Adult children of divorce commonly report that they felt as though they lost their childhood during and after their parent’s divorce, because the toxicity of the “combat divorce” permeated every aspect of their lives, causing them to struggle with the symptoms described above and necessitating that they “grow up” before they were developmentally ready.

Just as wartime combat is a survival state, so combat divorce is an emotional, and sometimes even physical, survival state for children.  Parents often need help in understanding this.  They need help preventing their children from becoming the innocent casualties of their divorce.  Research tells us that 80% of the issues of divorce are emotion-driven.  While parents are in the midst of such emotional upheaval, even the most well-intentioned parents can become overwhelmed and lose sight of what is genuinely in their child(ren)’s best interest.  Before, during and after divorce, parents and their children can benefit from the guidance and assistance of peacemaking professionals, who are focused on the well being of their family now and into the future.  Most parents with minor children are going through divorce for the first time.  While negotiating this extremely difficult life transition, they have no experience from which to draw.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation are confidential, no-court divorce options, which offer parents and children a peaceful, even transformative path for the restructuring of their family.  Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.5  Parents focus not on prevailing but on peacemaking, not on winning but on healing, because real winning means not wanting the other person to lose.  No-court divorce offers divorcing parents the best possibility that they can share the joys of parenthood.  Such sharing is one of the best gifts parents can give their children, because children feel and treasure their parents experiencing this joy.  When divorcing parents learn how to prevent their children from being caught in the crossfire in the middle of a combat zone and put their children in the center of healthy interactions, their children can remain children.  They are unburdened by adult concerns.  They don’t have to worry about finances, how Mom and Dad are coping, fear of being loyal to one parent and not the other, being in an alliance with one parent against the other.  being afraid to express their feelings for fear of hurting Dad or Mom or of having Mom or Dad be angry with them.  When their life as they have known it is crumbling around them, children deserve to experience the benefits of no-court divorce.

 

Consider these two stories

The first story: Two divorced parents were called to an emergency scene at a lake to rescue their child who had had fallen into a lake.  Rather than springing into action and coordinating the child’s rescue, they immediately began arguing about whose fault it was that the child had fallen into the lake.  The child drowned.

The second story: (For ease of style, I use the generic pronoun “he” and its derivatives.)  Two divorcing parents were attending a co-parenting training class.  Ten pairs of parents were present in the class.  The instructor gave the directions for the first exercise.  “Sit down across from your partner and face each other, with your right elbows on the table.  Grab your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each parent will get one point every time the back of the other parent’s right hand touches the table.  The goal for each parent is to get as many points for himself or herself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your partner gets.  You will have one minute.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, the pairs struggled as each parent tried by physical strength to force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  With much effort and against the physical opposition of each partner, almost no one got more than a point or two.  There was a single exception.  Almost immediately, one parent remembered that his goal was to get as many points as he could for himself, and then he became utterly indifferent to how many points his partner got.  Instead of pushing on his partner’s hand, he pulled it down to the table, gave his surprised partner a quick and easy point, took a quick point for himself, and then gave his partner another point.  Without talking to or looking at each other, the two parents, with their elbows on the table, then swung their clasped hands harmoniously back and forth as rapidly as they could, thus collecting a large number of points for each of them.

Upon the conclusion of the exercise, each pair of parents reported to the group how many points each had collected.  No one had more than three points, except for the parent pair who had cooperated, each of whom had earned more than twenty points.

Despite the directions to the parents, that used the word “partner” and despite the instructions that they were to be indifferent to how many points their partner collected, virtually all parent participants had assumed that they and the one with whom they were doing the exercise were adversaries.  That adversarial assumption dominated their thinking and prevented them from getting as many points as they could have.

(Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, gave me the inspiration for this second story.)

A litigation attorney, tells me that when potential clients consult with her regarding retaining her for litigation, she educates them about the reasons clients should not consider litigation as an option to settle a dispute.  She explains that, if they value the relationship with the persons against whom they are considering bringing the lawsuit, litigation is likely not their best choice.

Do you think your children want you, their parents, to value your relationship with each other, just as they value and love each of you?  How will they feel most secure, knowing that their parents are partners or combatants?  What will they learn from you if you are engaged in combat divorce?  What will they learn from you if you model cooperative problem solving with integrity and mutual respect?  Who “wins” when one of your children’s parents “loses?”  What is the legacy you want to co-create for them?

“I was never ruined but twice – once when I lost a lawsuit, once when I won one.”
~Voltaire

Original material © 2018 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

 

Notes

  • Fagain, P., Rector, R. (2000).  “The Effects of Divorce on America” The Heritage Foundation Background Executive Summary, No. 1373.
  • Kelly, J. B. (2005).  “Developing beneficial parenting models for children following divorce.” Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers,19: 237-254.
  • Velez, C.E., Wolchick, S.A., Tein, J.Y., and Sandler, I. (2011).  “Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: A longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes.” Child Development, 82 (1): 244-257.
  • Holmes, T, and Rahe, R., (1967) “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale.”
    Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2): 213-218.
  • Shaw, L. (2010).  “Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis.” Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27(4): 447-467.

 
Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist, a board-certified clinical hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist and a former professor of Human Services at Saddleback College.  In private practice in Laguna Hills, CA, since 1983, Dr. Hughes is a respected expert and sought-after speaker on the effects of divorce on children.  In 2003 she became one of the founding members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, and is also a co-founder of and trainer for the Collaborative Divorce Education Institute in Orange County, CA, a non-profit organization, whose mission is to educate the public about peaceful options for divorce, as well as to provide quality training for collaborative divorce professionals.  She frequently trains and mentors collaborative practitioners and has appeared on the Time Warner Public television series “How to Get a Divorce”.  Carol has been a presenter at conferences of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and at California’s annual statewide conferences for collaborative professionals.  In 2011 Carol was honored with the Eureka Award, which recognizes those who have made significant contributions and demonstrated an abiding dedication to establishing and sustaining Collaborative Practice in California.  For a complete listing of her collaborative practice training and teaching workshops please visit www.CollaborativePractice.com, the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and click on the “Locate a Collaborative Professional near you” link.  In addition, please visit her website at www.DivorcePeacemaking.com and www.CDEI.info.

 

7 Ways to Make a High Conflict Divorce Easier on Your Children

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by Jann Glasser, LCSW, LMFT, Divorce Coach, Co-Parenting Specialist

 

1. Recognize and Deal with Signs of Distress in Your Children.

  • Altered sleep or eating habits
  • Declining scholastic performance
  • Frequent, sudden or broad mood changes
  • Acting out with anger, aggression, or defiance
  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Lethargy or disinterest
  • Infantile or other regressive behavior
  • Becoming accident-prone
  • Excessive catering to parents, which may signal a child’s self-blame for the divorce

If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional.  Also consider consulting with a divorce coach who can help improve communication with your children, and your ability to care for them during your divorce.

 

2. Step AWAY from the Buttons!

Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke each other’s anger.  Use that knowledge to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases parental conflict increases the prospects for harm to your kids.

Also, use what you know about your quarrelsome co-parent to avoid confrontations.  During any encounters with your spouse be careful not to convey disrespect in front of the children either by words or by body language.

 

3. Confirm Substantive Conversations with Your Co-Parent.

Confirming conversations in writing can make it more difficult) for your co-parent to claim that he/she had no knowledge of a parenting schedule change, or that you failed to share notice of a teacher’s meeting.  A quick email or text can avoid many such “misunderstandings,” and save your kids the additional conflict such misunderstandings generate.

 

4. Include Sufficient Details in Any Agreements You Reach.

Avoid vague and unspecific language, which opens the door to confusion and misinterpretation.

 

5. Plan Ahead for Constructive Discussions with Your Co-Parent.

Avoid additional conflict and enhance your chances of productive discussions by leaving as little to chance as possible during discussions.

An example could be whether your son should go out for his high school football team.  Your spouse argues the virtues of discipline and teamwork, but you are concerned about evidence of concussive brain injuries suffered by high school football players.

First, clearly define the scope of the discussion to the here and now.  That will help prevent it from deteriorating into a blame game of past injustices, real or imagined.  Take some time before the discussion to understand your spouse’s concerns.  You may realize that your spouse is not just arguing to argue but genuinely believes that playing on the team would be good for your son.

During the discussion, use that understanding to help you address your spouse with empathy and respect.  You might concede the benefits of discipline and teamwork but suggest another sport that offers them without as much health risk.

Once the discussion has reached its conclusion or is no longer productive, end it politely but firmly.

 

6. Reassure Your Children

Tell your kids obvious things that bear repeating: that you love them, that the divorce is not in any way their fault, and that you will be there to help them through it.  Revisit those themes often.  It may sound corny, but those messages are critical to your children.

 

7. Keep Your Kids off the Battlefield.

Don’t argue in front of the kids.  The more directly children experience their parents’ high conflict, the worse off they are.

Don’t complain about, disparage or mock your co-parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else.  This increases the anxiety that causes lasting emotional harm to children.  Your conduct is the model for how your children will handle difficult situations they may encounter when they become parents.

Self-Help Is Not The Best Remedy at Time of Divorce

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By LESLEE J. NEWMAN, Family Law Mediator & Collaborator

Today in Orange County, approximately 75+% of the couples who are seeking divorce or legal separation do not have attorneys, and most do not even seek any professional advice.  Most couples believe that by finding information on the Internet, they can represent themselves through some of the most important decisions they will ever make in their lives concerning money, property, and most importantly, their children.

Most people do not know that family law is one of the most complicated areas of California law and the court system is not designed for couples who do not know how to represent themselves before a judge.  If you have to put on evidence in the form of a court hearing or trial, the California Rules of Evidence apply.  Most of the time, the self-represented person cannot competently present their most important documents or statements into the court record for judges to consider in making their decisions.

There are so many self-represented people now going to court who do not know how to address a judge or to present their case.  They spend much more court time than necessary and have substantially slowed down court proceedings, and the court’s calendar.  It can now take as long as 4 to 5 months or more for a hearing to be set before a judge.  Thus, the court’s consideration of important issues like parenting of children, monetary support, or even having the right to put the family residence up for sale is substantially put on hold to the great detriment of the divorcing couple.

It is a no brainer that seeking professional legal help is a smart move, and attorneys who can help you avoid going to court altogether are indispensable.  Unfortunately, it is a well-kept secret that transitioning couples can stay out of court and settle all aspects of their divorce through mediation or collaborative divorce.

The costs of a collaborative divorce typically are a lot less expensive than litigation which before a judge in Orange County has an average cost of about $90,000 and could take more than a year to complete.  A mediated divorce is typically about $5,000 to $7,500, and can be completed in about 3 months depending on the complexity of the divorce.  Which path should you choose?