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Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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Divorce Options

What is a Divorce Coach and Why Do I Need One?

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The Divorce Coach: A Vital Member of the Professional Collaborative Team

As has been proven, the collaborative model works so well because all of the members of the collaborative team play an equally-critical role in the success of the collaborative process. We know that emotions can run high during a divorce. We also know that emotions can get in the way of rational thinking, and the ability to access the cognitive areas of our brain, which is critical for effective problem-solving. Divorce Coaches are best-suited to help clients move past the emotion of a given impasse, and past the high emotions of the divorce itself, and to help clients focus on realistic options to obtain a more favorable outcome for their families.

What is the Role of a Divorce Coach?

A Divorce Coach is a licensed, mental health professional who has specialized training in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation. The Divorce Coach is a co-equal member of the clients’ Collaborative Divorce Team. In a full Collaborative Team, each spouse has a Divorce Coach. In some cases, clients choose to share one Divorce Coach to assist each of them through the collaborative divorce process or mediation.

The Divorce Coach helps clients translate goals into action. Of particular importance, they also assist in helping a client to understand his or her spouse’s views, and the impact of their own behavior on their spouse. This is critical in resolving impasses that often arise in the divorce process. The Divorce Coach helps the clients with their communication skills, and educates the clients about the impact of divorce on children. Additionally, the Divorce Coach assists clients in developing their mutual goals which serves to enhance their co-parenting relationship, both during and after divorce.

Divorce Coaches can be extremely helpful when there are emotionally-charged issues presented such as infidelity, emotional abuse, estrangement, alternative lifestyles, and substance abuse.

In addition, the Divorce Coaches assist clients in developing insight into their own emotions, actions and goals which helps clients not only during the divorce process, but well after the divorce has been concluded.

A Divorce Coach Is Not a Therapist

It is important to note that while a mental health professional who performs in the role of Divorce Coach may also have an active clinical therapy or counseling practice, that is NOT the role that he or she plays in a collaborative or mediated divorce. However, the expert training and breadth of experience that the Divorce Coach brings to the Collaborative Team redounds to the benefit of both the clients and the team in assisting with effective communication, development of ideas and creative approaches to problem-solving.

Why Do I Need a Divorce Coach?

Divorce Coaches perform a vital role when it comes to managing and overcoming the emotional obstacles presented in a divorce. They are particularly helpful in providing an environment for effective option-creation and problem-solving, especially at times when clients are bogged down by a challenging impasse. It is beyond valuable for clients to get a fresh perspective from the Divorce Coach, which then enables them to move on to more future-focused thinking, and ultimately on to resolution.

Not unexpectedly, the emotional aspects of a divorce often threaten to derail the peaceful resolution of a divorce. It is the Divorce Coach who is key in effectively assisting the clients with the deeply-held emotions that arise as a result of the end of a marriage, including all of the uncertainty and fear that accompany such momentous changes in a person’s life circumstances.

Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

How Does a Legal Separation Differ from a Dissolution of Marriage?

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If you are unhappy in your marriage what can you do about it? You could seek a divorce, a legal separation, or a nullity. The process of filing a case with the court is almost identical, but the procedure and the ramifications of filing a legal separation or a nullity instead of a divorce are different.

In California since 1970, we have a “no-fault” system in which there are only two grounds for divorce — “irreconcilable differences” and “incurable insanity.” Irreconcilable differences can encompass a wide variety of reasons, but often means that the spouse applying for the divorce is in a new or better relationship, is being harassed or abused by the other spouse, or wants a different life in another state or country but their spouse does not want to move away. Any of these reasons can create a breakdown of the marital relationship, with required testimony to the court by the petitioning spouse, that the couple can no longer live together.

Why file for a legal separation instead of a divorce? The court forms and the court process of filing for either a divorce or a legal separation are almost identical. In every legal separation or divorce process there are three areas in which choices by the spouses must be made. If any child is under the age of 18, a parenting agreement must be drafted as well as the allocation of child support determined, especially for a child with special needs. Also, spousal support could be an issue if the earnings of each spouse are substantially different. Finally, the personal or real property owned by Husband and/or Wife which is community property must be divided.

However, if you select the legal separation route, you do not terminate the marital relationship. What are the reasons for doing this? They might include the following:

  1. Either husband or wife feels compelled by religious beliefs to remain married even if husband and wife are no longer living together.
  2. A Judgment of Legal Separation enables one of the spouses who may not qualify for health insurance because of a pre-existing condition, or cannot afford to obtain their own health insurance policy, to remain on the health insurance of the other spouse for as long as they are still married.
  3. The Judgment of Legal Separation can divide marital property, provide spousal and/or child support for a minor child or children, divide marital debts, terminate the responsibility of each party to pay for the new debts or expenses of the other party after date of separation, and terminates the liability of one spouse for the other without fulfilling the requirement that at least the Petitioner resides for at least 3 months in the county of the Court’s location and for at least 6 months in the State of California. (However, to terminate the marital status of husband and wife, a divorce/dissolution of marriage must be filed by at least one of the parties who has resided for at least 3 months in the county of the Court’s location and at least 6 months in the State of California.)

Because legal separation or divorce in California is complicated, it is best to seek consultation and/or representation from licensed, experienced, and skilled family law attorneys as well as other licensed mental health and financial collaborative practice professionals.

The Divorce Options™ Workshop

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Marriage is supposed to last forever, but approximately half the marriages in California end in divorce.  Just as couples carefully plan their weddings, if divorce occurs, the dissolution process should be carefully researched and selected.

There are many choices to transition a family when a marriage ends.  One of the best ways to make an informed decision is with the assistance of the Divorce Options Workshop, a presentation which informs couples about all their divorce choices including mediation, collaborative divorce, court litigation, and self-representation.

Each Divorce Options Workshop features legal, financial, and mental health professionals who describe the different, interconnecting issues of divorce including the division of property, money, and the parenting of children.  Then with information acquired from the Divorce Options Workshop, individuals and couples can more intelligently and respectfully plan their divorce through the process which best suits them and their family.

Locally, in Orange County, the Divorce Options Workshop is presented through the Community Education program at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa.  Information about the locations, dates, and times, of the Divorce Options Workshop is available on this CDSOC website, by contacting any of our members, or the Orange Coast College Community Education program.

Learn Your Divorce Options at Spring Workshops

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Informative seminars help you learn about the different divorce processes

If you are struggling to find answers for your difficult questions about divorce, attend one of the Spring Divorce Options workshops offered by Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

The workshops take place at Orange Coast College, 2701 Fairview Road, Costa Mesa, California. The final date for spring 2017 is:

  • Thursday, April 20, 6 – 9 p.m.

Register online at the Orange Coast College website here (enter “Divorce Options” in the search box), or by phone at 714-432-5880, extension 1 (Monday – Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. only). For additional details, visit our Divorce Options page here. The seminar cost is $55 per person and includes all materials.

Our goal is helping people in a diverse range of situations. Divorce is difficult and stressful even under the best of circumstances. It can be especially hard if you have children or economic difficulties. Divorce affects people from all walks of life, and no two situations are alike.

We know from experience it IS possible despite challenges to preserve the emotional and financial resources of the family while respecting everyone’s needs during a divorce.

Led by volunteer attorneys, financial specialists, and mental health professionals who are members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, the workshop will cover the full range of choices couples have as they contemplate divorce, focusing on the non-adversarial, out-of-court options.

Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.
Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.

Divorce Options provides unbiased information about self-representation, mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigated divorce. The workshop deals with the legal, financial, family and personal issues of divorce in an informational and compassionate small group setting.

The Divorce Options program welcomes anyone thinking about divorce or other relationship transitions including co-habitating couples with children or LGBT couples looking for a process aware and respectful of their unique needs. Divorce Options offers useful information adaptable to a wide variety of family circumstances.

Topics include:

  • Litigation, mediation and collaboration – the risks and the benefits of each process
  • Legal, financial, psychological and social issues of divorce
  • How to talk about divorce with your children
  • Guidance from divorce experts

By learning about divorce and the different process options available you can maximize your ability to make good decisions during the difficult and challenging time. Divorce Options is a workshop designed to help couples take the next step, no matter where they are in the process. It identifies strategies to help you stay out of court, and helps you identify the social, emotional, legal, and financial issues that are most pressing for you.

Presented as a community service by the members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

 

CDSOC Members Honor and Remember Tracy McKenney

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Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County members share their remembrances of their colleague Tracy McKenney, former CDSOC Board President who passed away from cancer in September 2016.

“Tracy McKenney was always, smart, positive, with an uncanny ability to summarize and synthesize all thoughts on a collaborative team or in a Collaborative meeting.”

“Cannot think of Tracy without remembering her smile and her laugh. Professional and competent go without saying but her heart and the ability to reach out to touch the people she worked with. That was her gift and I will miss her.”

“Tracy was positive. She had a great laugh and was very helpful to her (and our) clients. I have come across people lately who she helped before and who she encouraged into a non-adversary process. Her children are her everlasting testament.”

“It still feels surreal. With Tracy’s sense of humor and sense of adventure. I still feel like she’s just away on one of those amazing trips. I still see and feel her in my everyday life. I still think she’s messing with me. Like the weekend after she passed, I met a couple named Scott and Tracy. That’s classic Tracy. She will always be with me.”

“Tracy always had a smile and was a happy person and a friend to her clients. She will be missed by many.”

“What Tracy imparted to me: Tremendous kindness to help professionally, generous time was spent to teach me about finances and a wonderful gift of laughter that always put a smile on my face and still does when I think of her.”

“Tracy was always happy. When she was around it was always fun! She will be missed by all of her friends rest in peace sweet Tracy.”

“Tracy was always happy and fun. The best laugh. We all loved her so much.”

“Tracy was the ultimate professional and gave her all to the collaborative team. This she did with kindness and humor. She leaves a large hole in our lives.”

“Tracy was someone so full of life and optimism, which of course makes it more of a loss. She was innovated and had a positive approach to everyone. She will be missed but her high energy will always be with us.”

“It is so hard to talk about Tracy in past tense. She was the true expression of an authentic person with the highest integrity. A great friend who I will dearly miss.”

“If compassion is the radicalism of the world today, as the Dalai Lama said, thru Tracy was the face of radicalism in our world. Her great intelligence, wit and humor were qualities we counted on, but the compassion brought peace in the midst of loss to so many of our clients. She was a rare and beautiful person who will always be a part of us.”

“Tracy embodied all that is human; compassion, professionalism, communication; dedication to leaving the world better than she found it. Tracy was extremely comfortable to be around, made you feel welcome with her infectious smile. She left an impression and her imprint on all she met. She will be remembered with a smile and love.”

“Tracy’s compassionate spirit lives on. She was a consummate peacemaker. Her infectious smile put everyone at ease. She was dedicated to ensuring that those going through divorce knew about peaceful options. She will be missed and remembered.”

“Tracy was always cheerful and very committed to helping people learn that they could settle disputes in a respectful and peaceful way. She was the most dedicated member of CDS when it came to educating the public about a better alternative to litigation. She was a wonderful colleague and a great human being.”

“For many years, I had the pleasure of working alongside of Tracy on the CDS Board, Roundtable and Divorce Options. She was a dedicated peacemaker. Her dedication has left behind some huge footprints to follow. As we were both neutral financial specialists, we never had an opportunity to work together on cases. However, we did used to meet and discuss the financials’ role and how to improve on the work we do. She will be missed. Rest in Peace and May God Keep His Arms around Tracy and her family.”

“I have had the pleasure of working with Tracy on 15 different Collaborative law teams starting back in 2009. I have also had the pleasure of working with Tracy on the Board of CDSOC for many years and as a trainer with CDEI. I came to know Tracy as a devoted peacemaker who continually modeled honest and integrity. She was consistently trustworthy, dependable and a commitment driven colleague and friend. She was devoted to all of the peacemaking process and helping families resolve their conflict out of court in a way that they were thoroughly educated on the financial component of their legal dispute. Tracy’s commitment to training for herself and other Collaborative professionals is also well documents and admirable. While I am glad that she is at peace and is no longer suffering, at the same time I am sad that the peacemaking community lost a valuable warrior. Rest in peace, friend.”

“As I embarked on my journey as a Collaborative professional, Tracy was always supportive, willing to help, talked me through things and shared her enthusiasm for the process. She was fun over drinks and a symbol of strength. She is missed.”

OC Collaborative Professionals Share Expertise at October 2016 Events

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Members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County (CDSOC) are in demand as professional education panelists and seminar leaders throughout Fall 2016 due to their expertise and experience working with a diverse array of Orange County clients in the Collaborative approach to divorce.

Full trials are becoming increasingly rare in family law. With no relief in sight for underfunded, impacted courts in California, trials can take years to set and families can face exorbitant costs and fees. Clients are demanding alternatives to expensive protracted court battles. As a result, good negotiation skills are now absolutely critical for family law practitioners.

“Our member professionals are considered so knowledgeable in their fields, they are called upon not only to properly educate clients, they also train and educate other professionals to ensure the highest levels of ethics and competence,” said Dr. Carol Hughes, CDSOC member who will be among the lecturers at meetings this fall.

“Orange County families who are considering a Collaborative approach to their divorce can be confident in the guidance and qualifications of our members, who not only uphold high standards in their personal practice, but who are called upon to help Collaborative professionals across the United States in developing the highest standards in this area of family law,” added Dr. Hughes.

Collaborative Practice professional education presentations include:

Attorney Diana L. Martinez will join a four member panel to discuss cultural competency in family law practice in a live webinar format hosted by the State Bar of California Family Law Section on Thursday, October 27, from 12 noon to 1:30 p.m. Visit https://calawyers.org/section/family-law/ to learn more and to sign up for the presentation.

Diana L. Martinez and divorce coach Dr. Carol Hughes will discuss “Effective Collaborative Practice” at the State Bar of California’s Family Law Conference 2016 at the Mandalay Beach Resort in Oxnard, California on Friday, October 21. This introduction emphasizes assessing potential cases for appropriateness; training and education; professional team expectations, protocols, and understanding of professional roles; educating clients; and ethically and responsibly assisting clients in a Collaborative Divorce process.

 Divorce coaches Dr. Hughes and Bruce Fredenburg, financial professional Cathleen Collinsworth, and family law attorney Brian Don Levy, Esq. will present a panel discussion titled “How Interdisciplinary Teams Bring Clients to Agreement Readiness” at the 17th annual meeting of the International Association of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) in Las Vegas, Nevada on Thursday, October 27.

For professionals with interest in learning more about any of these presentations, please visit the CDSOC Events Calendar page here.

 

 

Tracy McKenney named President of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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New board named to serve 2016-2017 term August 4, 2016  Contact: Gayle Lynn Falkenthal, APR
619-997-2495 or gayle@falconvalleygroup.com

(Irvine, California) – Tracy McKenney, CDFA, CFP, has been named President of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County for the 2016-2017 term. McKenney is a Certified Financial Planner and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst in private practice based in Irvine, California.

Joining McKenney on the 2016-2017 Board of Directors are:

  • President-Elect: Therese Fey
  • Vice President: Patrice Courteau
  • Secretary: Diana L. Martinez
  • Treasurer: Leslee Newman
  • Advertising and Marketing Chair: Yaffa Balsam
  • Membership Chair: Marvin L. Chapman
  • Training and Education Chair: Suanne Honey
  • Speakers Bureau Co-Chairs: Carol Hughes and Bruce Fredenburg
  • Website Chair: Sara E. Milburn
  • Member at Large: Jann Glasser

“It is important to me to be involved in an organization like Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County. Collaborative Divorce represents a significant advancement in resolving divorce respectfully,” said McKenney. “Going through a divorce is in some ways harder than dealing with the death of a loved one. It worsens when the process is dragged out through contentious, time-consuming and costly litigation in court. In so many cases, couples can avoid the damage of a court battle, even when they aren’t sure they can cooperate. Our approach makes it possible.

“Collaborative Divorce keeps decision-making in the hands of the couple. It spares them and especially their children the duress from an acrimonious divorce, preventing lasting harm, and preserving the family relationships for a healthier future,” said McKenney. “In most cases, it is less expensive than a litigated divorce.”

“Our goal for the coming year is to make more couples in Orange County aware of Collaborative Divorce,” said McKenney.

About Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County (CDSOC) was founded in 2003 to advise couples in Orange County about out of court options to traditional divorce litigation. Our group consists of experienced family law attorneys, licensed mental health professionals, and credentialed financial professionals, all of whom are specially trained in Collaborative Practice, mediation, and conflict resolution. Working under the Collaborative Practice model, the result is a divorce guided with respect and compassion in a non-adversarial way so families can make the best possible decisions about their future.

CDSOC is online at https://cdsoc.com/, and Facebook.