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Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.

Arbitration and Mediation in California: What’s The Difference in These Forms of Dispute Resolution?

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by Diana L. Martinez Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator, Law and Mediation Office of Diana L. Martinez

As a family law lawyer, I really look forward to my time on duty to volunteer at Riverside County Superior Court for VSC (Voluntary Settlement Conference) day. It is offered two Fridays per month and is THE most successful mediation program in the nation with an over 90 percent success rate!

Why? Because, in order to be a mediator on this panel, you must have the highest training and qualifications as both a family law lawyer and as a mediator. Not only do we donate our time, we must be in practice at least 10 years and have hundreds of hours of mediation training and practice under our belts. Other family law mediation programs that either do not have a structured program with high mediator qualifications, or that pay retired judges to do this work, enjoy a success rate below 60 percent.

Judges have an incredibly difficult job. It takes very specific skill sets to be a good judge. But being a talented judge does not, in and of itself, make you a good mediator.

I also volunteer as a fee arbitrator in attorney-client fee disputes for the California State Bar and for the San Bernardino County Bar Association. My role as an arbitrator is that of a judge: to listen to testimony, review the evidence, and make a ruling based on the law. There is no facilitation or brainstorming to help the parties create agreements together. As a result, the parties tend to stay polarized, hoping I will rule in their favor.

In contrast, a mediator works to find common ground, and assists the parties in bridging gaps, focusing on their goals and the reality of the benefits and risks of resolving versus litigation.

During a recent mediation in Riverside*, I had to use my skills as an arbitrator to attempt to resolve a divorce dispute in mediation. In this particular case, the husband was represented by counsel. The wife was not. The couple was married in the Netherlands and moved to California two years prior to the divorce. They had been married for 15 years. They had already agreed to the division of their assets and debts. The final item preventing them from resolving their divorce for nearly two years (yes, they had been divorcing for two years) was spousal support. The wife was not a legal U.S. resident and had struggled finding employment. During the marriage, she worked as a babysitter. The husband ran his own consulting business and was always the higher income earner.

As an arbitrator, looking at the evidence presented, the ruling is quite simple. Based on California law, Husband would be required to pay spousal support until one of the normal, terminating factors in a long term (over 10 years) marriage: 1) death of either party; 2) remarriage of wife; or 3) further order of the court. Wife, however, would have to make reasonable, good faith efforts to become self-supporting, in order to continue to receive support.

As a mediator, it is important to help both husband and wife craft an agreement that factors in wife’s financial needs and goals, as well as husband’s sense of unfairness of having to pay for so long a time. In this case, wife appreciated this and proposed that husband pay her only what she was short in rent each month ($200) for five years. This would give her time allowing her to get her legal resident papers in order and find a stable job, as she explained it, after which she would agree to “terminate” support.

Relying on a judge for a “fair” decision on your financial settlement during divorce is an expensive roll of the dice.

In a long-term marriage, courts do not, generally, terminate support; they may reduce it to zero dollars, but they will leave open the ability to request it in the future. This proposal, legally, put a lot of value on the table for the husband.   As a neutral, and especially given that wife was unrepresented, I did have to educate both parties about that legal value and the implications of a spousal support termination. To all knowledgeable in family law, this proposal was golden.

Husband’s attorney instructed him to reject the offer as completely unreasonable. His argument? In the Netherlands, his wife would not have received spousal support at all. Since the parties lived there for most of their marriage, wife should not be allowed to benefit from California spousal support laws. They argued the wife should agree to no more than six months of spousal support, which would then end. This sounded logical to husband.

Sadly, the husband’s “logic” is not the basis upon which family law judges issue orders. My inner arbitrator asked husband’s lawyer to explain the legal basis for this argument. It was a novel argument to me, and I’ve been in practice for nearly 20 years. His response: “Yes, it is a case of first impression, so I have to research this more.”

Excuse me? You have no legal basis for this argument, which means your client will be paying you for research that will very likely not result in the expected outcome. In addition to this expense, Husband’s lawyer planned on having a vocational evaluation done on wife to determine how much she could reasonably be earning. Really? She’s undocumented, and lawyer wants to do a vocational evaluation. Husband, as the sole income earning, would have to front this cost.

The court had already told the litigants prior to sending them off with their mediators that, if they do not resolve their matters, the next available court date would not be for another six months. This meant that husband will continue to pay his lawyer during that time, for research on an issue that has no support in law. If we calculate the legal fees at $1,750/month (lawyer rate of $350/hour, at five hours of legal work per month, including research on the foreign marriage issue, gathering information on wife’s earning ability, history of income during the marriage, and so forth), for six months, it will cost the husband $10,500 prior to his trial readiness conference. This is not the trial itself. It is a court hearing to confirm you are ready for trial.

The trial would likely be set within the following one or two months after that hearing, and trial preparation by his attorney would be far greater than five hours. But let’s keep it conservative for this discussion and add only another $1,750 to finish this case through trial. Now we have $11,750 in legal fees for the husband, in the hopes the judge will side with him and terminate spousal support, despite the law.

Let’s compare this with the wife’s proposal to resolve their case through mediation, six months before trial readiness. She proposed $200/month for five years = $12,000, and a signed, binding, agreement to terminate spousal support. That’s a guarantee, folks. Remember, by terminating, no court, in any state, would have the legal ability to order more support, ever!

Sadly, husband trusted his lawyer in the above mediation. The parties will end up going to trial, based on his lawyer adding to husband’s sense of unfairness, rather than educating his client as to the reality of the law. Logic would dictate that it would be better to take a sure bet for $250 more, than pay almost the same amount and risk the judge applying the law, as they are required to do.

In mediation, husband had the ability to cut his losses and be done. As a judge, there is no such flexibility. The judge or arbitrator (same function) is required to apply the law. But when emotion (that sense of unfairness) takes over, and a lawyer creates a false hope by feeding into that emotion, the only “winners” are the lawyers. There is no benefit to either spouse. There is no benefit to their families. The court battle continues.

If you expect a judge or arbitrator to “do the right thing” because he or she will see and understand the unfairness of it all, you will be disappointed. A judge does not have that kind of flexibility. They may find one argument more persuasive than another, but that means it follows the law more closely than the other. It does not factor in emotion or “fairness.”

In the above example, the law does not look at where you were married and apply the rules of a foreign country. If you lived in California six months prior to filing your petition for divorce, you fall under the laws of California – no exceptions based on “it’s not fair.” A judge must render decisions based on the law and the evidence properly presented. Don’t forget to factor in the financial and family relationship costs of the continued battle.

*I’ve changed certain facts of the case to protect confidential information, but have kept the substance the same.

Learn Your Divorce Options at Spring Workshops

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Informative seminars help you learn about the different divorce processes

If you are struggling to find answers for your difficult questions about divorce, attend one of the Spring Divorce Options workshops offered by Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

The workshops take place at Orange Coast College, 2701 Fairview Road, Costa Mesa, California. The final date for spring 2017 is:

  • Thursday, April 20, 6 – 9 p.m.

Register online at the Orange Coast College website here (enter “Divorce Options” in the search box), or by phone at 714-432-5880, extension 1 (Monday – Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. only). For additional details, visit our Divorce Options page here. The seminar cost is $55 per person and includes all materials.

Our goal is helping people in a diverse range of situations. Divorce is difficult and stressful even under the best of circumstances. It can be especially hard if you have children or economic difficulties. Divorce affects people from all walks of life, and no two situations are alike.

We know from experience it IS possible despite challenges to preserve the emotional and financial resources of the family while respecting everyone’s needs during a divorce.

Led by volunteer attorneys, financial specialists, and mental health professionals who are members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, the workshop will cover the full range of choices couples have as they contemplate divorce, focusing on the non-adversarial, out-of-court options.

Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.
Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.

Divorce Options provides unbiased information about self-representation, mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigated divorce. The workshop deals with the legal, financial, family and personal issues of divorce in an informational and compassionate small group setting.

The Divorce Options program welcomes anyone thinking about divorce or other relationship transitions including co-habitating couples with children or LGBT couples looking for a process aware and respectful of their unique needs. Divorce Options offers useful information adaptable to a wide variety of family circumstances.

Topics include:

  • Litigation, mediation and collaboration – the risks and the benefits of each process
  • Legal, financial, psychological and social issues of divorce
  • How to talk about divorce with your children
  • Guidance from divorce experts

By learning about divorce and the different process options available you can maximize your ability to make good decisions during the difficult and challenging time. Divorce Options is a workshop designed to help couples take the next step, no matter where they are in the process. It identifies strategies to help you stay out of court, and helps you identify the social, emotional, legal, and financial issues that are most pressing for you.

Presented as a community service by the members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

 

Your Six Different Divorce Alternatives

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by Leslee J. Newman, CFL-S, Family Law Attorney
Orange, California

1.  Self-Representation (“Pro-Per”)

Both parties may consult with attorneys, but decide to represent themselves in or out of court. Both parties are ultimately responsible for the agreements and paperwork that goes to the court for filing including the final Judgment.

Leslee Newman
Leslee Newman

2. One-Party Representation

One party is represented by an attorney and the other is not. Generally, the party who has the attorney is responsible for drafting the paperwork, and the unrepresented spouse would get advice as to what he or she wants included in the final Judgment.

3. Both Spouses Have Representation

Both spouses have their own litigation counsel, and try to settle parts of the case through settlement discussion. If they are unable to settle some or all of the issues, the case goes to court for a judge to make the decisions for the spouses.

4. Mediation

Both spouses retain the same mediator who acts as their neutral facilitator and does not represent either party. Depending on the style of the mediator, and whether or not the mediator is an attorney, the spouses may have the benefit of being educated as to the law, available options, recommendations, and suggestions, etc. If the mediator is an attorney, there is the added advantage of accurate drafting of the court forms, and the Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage.

Because the mediator is a neutral party, the mediator encourages both spouses to consult and review the Judgment with other attorneys before signing. There is also a confidentiality privilege in the California Evidence Code, called the mediation privilege, which can help to protect the privacy of the mediation process. If the spouses are able to settle all of the issues of their case through mediation, they do not have any court appearances.

5. Collaborative Practice

The Collaborative Process features an integrated team of professionals. Each spouse retains their own Collaborative lawyer, and a divorce coach who is a mental health professional assisting with the communication, the emotion of the divorce, and helping to regulate the interaction between the parties. The neutral professionals on the team are a financial specialist (forensic or financial planner), and a child specialist, if there are minor children or adult children still living with the parents.

Through the Collaborative Process, the spouses and their professional team enter into a written agreement with the understanding that if the collaborative process breaks down before the entry of the Judgment or completion of the case, then the professional team, including the attorneys, are disqualified from going to court and continuing on the case.   This process usually includes the privilege of confidentiality in the written stipulation to begin the collaborative case.

6. Cooperative Process

The cooperative process begins with an informal agreement between the spouses and their attorneys not to go to court, but to conduct settlement discussion and face to face meetings to settle the issues of the case.   Unlike collaborative practice, however, the spouses and their attorneys are not disqualified from going to court if there are any issues that cannot be settled out of court.

Six Ways a Collaborative Divorce Supports Your Family Values

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by Bart Carey, Attorney/Mediator and Family Law Attorney
Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

Why do so many people behave so poorly when they separate and divorce? You know what I mean. As people choose to separate and divorce, as we get caught up in emotions and conflict, we say and do things that, in our everyday lives we’d never do or say.

Worse, this behavior is often condoned, counseled and/or supported by well-meaning family friends and even professionals. We fight for control or justification by speaking to and treating our children’s mother or father in ways we’d never condone under any other circumstance. We’d certainly never teach our children such behavior is acceptable, except they actually are learning from observing what we do.

This reality became personal for me when after a number of years as a litigator, I experienced my own divorce. I learned that divorce is not a legal process. It is a life experience.

As a life experience, I had to ask myself how I could square my own behavior with my values as a husband and father. Like many, I can’t say I was proud of everything I said and did.

A big part of the problem was the court process, which pitted parents against each other as adversaries in a win-lose fight while placing the decisions regarding their most precious treasures of their hearts in the hands of lawyers, judges and other professionals.

This experience launched me on a life and career changing journey: how to find, and offer my clients, a process that can be shaped to reflect their values:

  • A process in which spouses are supported and encouraged to work together, not against each other, to plan the family’s future while protecting their respective rights.
  • A process which allows the family to fashion a financial plan that provides for everyone’s needs yet still focuses upon the family’s goals and priorities.
  • A process which helps spouses address and manage their fears and emotions while still being able to choose to behave the way we would teach our children to behave, with respect and dignity for each individual.
  • A process that allows them to remain a family throughout and after the divorce process.
  • A process that supports and teaches co-parenting tools so they can better raise their children after transitioning to two households.
  • A process that supports parents to set a living example for their children of the values they have already worked hard to instill in them during the biggest crisis their family will likely ever face.

There is good news. Collaborative Divorce is that process. Review the information on this website for more information. The Collaborative Divorce process allows me to align my career with my personal values. You will find it a process which allows you to live up to your values.

Did I mention Collaborative Divorce can be easier on the pocketbook than a stressful, contentious litigated divorce, too?

The Role of a Collaborative Divorce Coach

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by Jann Glasser, LCSW, MFT

Divorce is just as much a life transition as marriage. Divorce is not about the division of property; it is about the division of lives.

Closure rarely comes with the decree of dissolution issued by the court. Closure can come more easily through Collaborative Divorce, where a team of Collaborative professionals helps you to facilitate peacemaking in a private, respectful process out of court instead of waging war in a courtroom.

Depending upon the needs of the transitioning couple, various professionals are selected to be part of the team assisting spouses in a healthy positive transition from their lives together into two separate households. One of these professionals is the Divorce Coach, a licensed mental health professional who is a specialist with clinical experience in human behavior and family systems. We help families learn new skills in conducting themselves in times of stress during the Collaborative Divorce process.

Our role as Divorce Coaches during a Collaborative Divorce is assist people through the transition process, to provide a soft landing spot for clients to deal with the range of emotions that are inherent in any marital breakup. Coaches can help you to determine what is truly important in the divorce process, for both parents and children. Coaches can also help you release the negative emotional energy that can be part of any divorce, by helping you to develop skills in open communication, self-management and creative problem-solving.

As coaches, we help our clients focus on questions about their personal ethics and conduct, rather than winning and losing. After more than 30 years in the field of professional counseling and mediation, I have learned that divorce is one of the most painful emotional experiences most people can endure in their lifetime.

As a part of your Collaborative team, a Divorce Coach will assist you in separating highly volatile emotions so they do not interfere with sound decision-making. Together, we will create goals to address each area of concern, highlighting strengths as well as identifying challenges.

One of our most important and lasting goals as coaches is helping couples who are parents create co-parenting agreements that will work by helping to focus on the real issues of the future, not past angers and disappointments. Coaches guide couples to turn their issues into mutually shared interests, as they learn new problem solving skills for conflict resolution and post-divorce parenting for the restructured “family apart.”

By choosing to embark upon the road of Collaborative Divorce, and with the assistance of a Divorce Coach to guide you along the way, my hope is that at the end of this journey, you can embrace the spirit of these words found in Genesis 13:8-9: “let there be no quarrel between us for we were once family; let us separate gently; if one goes north, may the other go south; if one goes east, may the other go west. May your house be your house; and may my house be my house, and may strife and contentions not rule our hearts.”