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Child Custody

The Role of Minor’s Counsel in Litigation and in Collaborative Divorce

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In high conflict litigated cases, a Judge will often appoint Minor’s Counsel in order to assist them in determining orders that are in the best interests of the child or children of the marriage. Minor’s Counsel is an attorney who represents the children. They are not a therapist or a custody evaluator, however they will gather evidence to present arguments to the Court as to what orders are best for their client or clients [the children]. Minor’s counsel is able to access the confidential records for the child such as medical records, educational records or any records from therapists that have been treating the child.

When I have been in the role of Minor’s Counsel, I try to meet with the child in a neutral setting such as a park or a setting that will be comfortable for them. If I know that they like animals, I may bring one of my dogs with me to the first meeting. My goal in the first meeting is to provide the child with a safe space so that they can talk to me. In most litigated cases, the child has been exposed to the conflict of the parents for a long time. They may be coached by one or both parents or fearful that what they say to me will be shared with the parents. I also schedule meetings with each of the parents individually and each of the parents with the child.

Often the parents are so engaged in their negative feelings towards the other parent that they lack insight as to the damage that the conflict is causing to their children. While I am meeting with the family, I am also gathering evidence from outside sources which can help me understand what is in the best interests of that child. If the child has a therapist, then I will speak with them. If one of the parents has been taking the child to therapy without the involvement of the other parent, the evidence obtained may be weighted less. If the parents do not have the child in therapy, I will often recommend that a therapist be put into place for the child so that they have ongoing care and a safe space that they can speak about the children.

Prior to a return hearing with the Court, I will discuss my recommendations with both parents together and the attorneys if they are represented. Generally, parties that are in litigation are so entrenched in their own positions and what they want or what they think is right that they are unable to see the impact that their hostility has on the children. While I do not share all that my client has told me, I will ask permission to share certain statements. It often surprises the parents to learn that their child loves both parents and wants to have time with both of them. If there are issues of addiction or abuse, then we are able to discuss how to maintain that relationship in a manner that is safe for the child. My goal in sharing my position with the parents prior to the hearing is to see if there is a way that we can come up with options and work out a parenting plan together that will be in the best interests of the children. Unfortunately, if we are not able to do this then I will present my case to the Court and the Judge will make orders based on evidence that is presented by each of the parents as well as my evidence that is presented. In litigated cases, my role may continue for several years as most parents are not happy with orders that are made by a Court.

In a Collaborative Case, the parties who choose to participate in this process are able to use minor’s counsel before significant damage has been done to the children. Minor’s counsel may be used in a collaborative case where the parents need additional assistance in communicating with each other or where there has been a history of domestic violence or substance abuse or where there are older children in their teenage years who want to have a voice in what their life will look like after the Divorce. In Collaborative cases, there is often a parent child specialist involved as well. My role in a Collaborative case is to be part of the entire team and to represent the interests of the children while continuing to work with the entire team to guide the family through the process without causing damage to the children. In a collaborative case, my role is to gather information to be shared with the team as opposed to a litigated case where I would be gathering evidence to be presented to the Court.

I conduct the children’s meetings in the same manner as I would in a litigated case, meeting on neutral ground and establishing rapport, I will also meet with the children and each of the parents alone. However, as we are in a collaborative process, I will meet with the parents and children together and just the parents together. I coordinate with the parent child specialist as they are going to be working with the parents on communication and assisting them in getting through the Divorce without damage to the children.

In team meetings, I am able to present options to be considered by the team as a whole and those options can be discussed with the parents, the coaches, attorneys and parent child specialist. The parent child specialist is also able to weigh in. In collaborative cases we are able to structure a parenting plan that works for the children and for the family and will enable them to avoid litigating issues in the future. My role as minor’s counsel ends at the time that the Collaborative case is concluded as parents who work together on a parenting plan are generally happy with that parenting plan and do not continue to litigate the issues.

Minor’s counsel can be a vital role in both litigated cases or collaborative cases where the children need to have a voice. Although the process varies, the role of Minor’s Counsel remains the same, to provide information about what is in the best interests of the children and to assist the children in having a voice in their parents Divorce.

Five Important Financial Issues in Military Divorce

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By Kristine Rushing, CFP®, CDFA® Intro: There are many considerations in divorce, but those experiencing military divorce have some additional things to think about. Here are five issues military spouses should be aware of. 

 

Along with cooler weather and thoughts of Thanksgiving, November also brings Veterans Day, providing an opportunity to honor and thank those who have served in the United States Armed Forces. For many, that service has required personal sacrifices, from family challenges to the ultimate sacrifice. Whether during war or peacetime, events such as frequent moves, multiple deployments, isolation, stress of war, injuries, and returns to civilian life can all cause stress and anxiety for service members, spouses and their children. While the military branches offer programs to support relationships, divorce becomes a reality for many. Like their civilian counterparts, military spouses will need to determine a co-parenting plan, asset and debt division, and child/spousal support. However, those experiencing a military divorce need to be aware of some special rules.

 

1. Jurisdiction and State Law

Generally speaking, a spouse may file for divorce in the state where either spouse legally resides, with minimum residency requirements. However, the laws and treatment of property varies from state to state and there are some other factors pertaining to jurisdiction for military spouses, especially if divorcing while the service member is overseas. When there are questions about this it would be wise to consult with a knowledgeable attorney. For the most part, all other aspects of the property division, co-parenting, and child or spousal support follow state law similar to a civilian divorce. However, the “Service Members Civil Relief Act,” or SCRA, allows active-duty service members to file a Motion to Stay Proceedings which, if granted, causes a delay of 90 days, plus possible extensions.

As with civilian divorce, one of the most important decisions a couple has to make is which process to use. There are four major options: DIY/Kitchen Table, where couples sit down and reach their own settlement agreement; Mediation, where couples hire a neutral professional to assist them with the negotiations; Collaborative Divorce, where each party has their own legal representation, one or more divorce coaches/therapists, a neutral financial advisor, and perhaps a child specialist, all working together in a team approach; and Litigation, where parties cannot agree and ask the court to decide the outcome. Whenever possible, either mediation or collaborative divorce are recommended. These usually provide the most efficient process and set the parties up for more effective co-parenting and healing post-divorce.

 

2. Dividing Military Retirement

Military pensions are considered a marital asset and the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA) allows for division, though it is not necessarily required. Technically, it is the “disposable retired pay” that is subject to division, which is the gross retired pay less deductions for disability pay benefits and Survivor Benefit Plan premiums. Spouses may divide the pension or, instead, arrange a full or partial off-set via lump sum payment in cash or other assets to the non-service member spouse. The option for a lump sum or off-set is more common in short term marriages and requires a pension valuation to determine the present value of the off-set amount.

Those divorcing after retirement use a straight-forward coverture formula to determine the marital portion: months of marriage overlapping military service ÷ total months of military service at the time of retirement. For those divorcing prior to retirement, there is still a coverture fraction, calculated as a percentage of the service months overlapping marriage based on the total service months at the time of dissolution. However, it is applied to the hypothetical retirement benefit the service member would have received based on pay at the time of dissolution rather than actual retirement.

With the implementation of the new Blended Retirement System (BRS) in 2018, many service members receive automatic contributions and possible matching to a Thrift Savings Plan (TSP), a defined contribution account. The TSP operates much like many private company 401(k) plans do, allowing service members to leave the military with those TSP retirement benefits before serving a full 20 years, even if they choose to forego the pension benefits.

 

3. Getting the Retirement Division Done Right

Once the non-military spouse’s retirement benefit allocation has been determined, there are two ways in which the actual division and payment administration can take place. If qualified according to the “10/10 Rule,” the benefit payments for the non-military spouse may be issued directly from the Defense Finance Accounting Service (DFAS). The 10/10 Rule refers to the provision within the USFSPA which allows for this direct payment to a non-service member spouse as long as the pension division results from a marriage lasting ten years or more, which also overlapped service by ten years or more. A Military Pension Division Order (MPDO) must be carefully completed and submitted to DFAS. Retirement divisions that do not qualify for direct DFAS administration and payment according to the 10/10 Rule must be handled directly between the parties.

There are additional considerations for survivor benefits and disability pay. The Survivor Benefit Plan (SBP) is an annuity program allowing the service member to provide continued income to a surviving beneficiary in the event of their death. Only one beneficiary may be designated, and if the intention is to name the former spouse, it must completed in a timely manner.

Unlike the military pension, which is a defined benefit plan, division of the TSP is more straight forward. Once the amount or percentage being allocated to the non-service member spouse is determined, and after the divorce is final, the account funds may be transferred into another retirement account in the non-service member’s name, such as an IRA, with a Retirement Benefits Court Order (RCBO). It is important that the terms be defined clearly and having a professional prepare this, as well as the MPDO mentioned above, is recommended.

 

4. Healthcare and Other Benefits

Tricare and care at military treatment facilities, as well as commissary and exchange privileges, may be available to the non-service member spouse in long-term marriages that overlap service. The USFSPA offers Full Coverage under the “20/20/20 Rule,” and Transitional Coverage under the “20/20/15 Rule.” The full coverage rule requires the spouses to have been married for at least twenty years, the service member must have at least twenty years of creditable service toward retirement pay, and that twenty years of marriage overlap twenty years of creditable service. The transitional coverage rule provides one year of medical coverage (no commissary or exchange privileges) have between fifteen and twenty of years of marriage overlap the years of creditable service.

 

5. Co-Parenting, Child Support, and Spousal Support

Child support is based on state law, including factors such as custody, time with each parent, and incomes. The Leave and Earnings Statement (LES) should be used to determine all forms of compensation, including Basic Allowance Housing (BAH), the value of on base housing, and other non-taxable in-kind compensation. While service members can face penalties from their commanding officer if delinquent on support payments, enforcement is typically handled by the state court system.

Like child support, spousal support, also called alimony, is determined according to state law. The USFSPA, however, limits the amount paid to a former spouse directly through DFAS to 65% of disposable retired pay, including up to 50% of pay for pension division and other garnishments such as alimony and child support. Considerations for the spousal support order may include the length of the marriage, the earning capacity of each spouse, age, and health. 

While most of the issues facing military spouses in divorce are the same as their civilian counterparts, these specific concerns do need to be addressed carefully. Spouses should take advantage of the various resources available and consult with an attorney who specializes in military divorce when needed. Again, one of the most important decisions a divorcing couple must make is which process to use. Whenever possible, work together and consider mediation or a collaborative team approach, including attorney-mediators, a financial advisor, such as a CPA, CFP® or CDFA®, and therapists and/or coaches to provide accurate legal information and the best chance for effective co-parenting and healing post-divorce.

To all members of the U.S. Armed Forces, we honor you this Veterans Day and thank you for your service in defending our nation and protecting our freedom.

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

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By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action.  However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me.  This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next.  Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.”  A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney.  The process that they choose can make all the difference.  The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust.  It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind.  Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this.  You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

The Advantage of Child Support Calculation Through the Collaborative Divorce Process

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A recommended article written by Leslee J. Newman, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, and Family Law Specialist

“A divorce with children who are not yet adults includes decisions regarding child support payment.  In every state including California, there is a different formula to calculate child support.  If divorcing parents go to court and request a judge to make the child support order, the statewide formula must be used to arrive at the amount of the support to be paid from one parent to the other.  Find out how parents selecting an out-of-court process like collaborative divorce can create their own agreeable amount without going to court.”

Click the link below to read more.

https://divorcepeacemaker.com/blog_index/the-advantage-of-child-support-calculation-through-the-collaborative-divorce-process/

How to Help Your Children During Separation and Divorce

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.”
~Marian Wright Edelman, Founder, Children’s Defense Fund

 

Research about the effects of divorce on children indicates that:

  • Each year, over 1 million American children experience the divorce of their parents.1
  • Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems.2
  • Improving the relationships between parents and their children helps children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.3

Children are the innocent victims of divorce.  Divorce ranks second only to the death of a loved one as life’s most stressful experiences.4  Litigation, which by definition is adversarial, can compound that stress exponentially due to the hostility it can engender and the exorbitant costs that parents can incur.  “Combat divorce,” a common term for litigation, requires that each parent have the biggest battleship armed with the biggest guns, which take aim at the battleship of the other parent.  Let’s remember that, no matter what else changes, each of these soon to be “ex-spouses” forever remains their child(ren)’s other parent.  During the process of litigation, that obvious fact can become obscured in the harsh and adversarial language used to characterize the other spouse, thus making it almost impossible for each parent to think of the other parent as their child(ren)’s other parent and as a parent who possesses positive qualities.

So where are the children in this process?  To continue the “combat divorce” metaphor, they are huddled together in a foxhole wondering what has happened to the family they once knew.  As they tenaciously cling to each other in this bunker, they are shaking, fearing whether the next mortar will land in their foxhole or whiz over their heads.  Will they lose one or both of their parents permanently?  After all, it seems like it has been a short journey from their happy family with Mom and Dad playing with them in the park to the day when Dad or Mom moved out.  They never imagined that one of their parents would not be with them in their home.  Recently, they have overheard Mom and Dad fighting and talking about having to sell the house where they grew up and where they created so many happy memories.  They hear Dad and Mom discussing that they may have to change schools.  The thoughts are whirling through their minds: We will have to make new friends!  We won’t be able to be on our same soccer team!  What if we won’t be able to keep our doggie Duke and our kitty Miss Trouble because in our new rented house no pets will be allowed!  Mom and Dad are so stressed.  We can’t bother them with all these questions.  We must be very good and very quiet, so they don’t have to worry about us too.  We need to forget about how we feel and make sure Mom and Dad are ok.

The children have experienced so much uncertainty and unpredictability recently that on an unconscious level they realize that they cannot predict their future.  Nothing seems certain.  Life used to seem certain, but not any more.  So much has changed in such a short time, it certainly seems possible to them that they could lose their mom or dad.  Who will provide them with certainty, stability, and predictability?

“A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

When parents are in conflict, their children are in danger.  On-going parental strife produces the single most negative impact on children for years into their future.  Previously well-adjusted children can become at risk for both psychological and physical symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep disturbance, nausea, headaches, and the inability to focus and concentrate.  These symptoms can subsequently cause a delay in children’s development.  Difficulties in school academically, emotionally and socially can ensue.  Adult children of divorce commonly report that they felt as though they lost their childhood during and after their parent’s divorce, because the toxicity of the “combat divorce” permeated every aspect of their lives, causing them to struggle with the symptoms described above and necessitating that they “grow up” before they were developmentally ready.

Just as wartime combat is a survival state, so combat divorce is an emotional, and sometimes even physical, survival state for children.  Parents often need help in understanding this.  They need help preventing their children from becoming the innocent casualties of their divorce.  Research tells us that 80% of the issues of divorce are emotion-driven.  While parents are in the midst of such emotional upheaval, even the most well-intentioned parents can become overwhelmed and lose sight of what is genuinely in their child(ren)’s best interest.  Before, during and after divorce, parents and their children can benefit from the guidance and assistance of peacemaking professionals, who are focused on the well being of their family now and into the future.  Most parents with minor children are going through divorce for the first time.  While negotiating this extremely difficult life transition, they have no experience from which to draw.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation are confidential, no-court divorce options, which offer parents and children a peaceful, even transformative path for the restructuring of their family.  Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.5  Parents focus not on prevailing but on peacemaking, not on winning but on healing, because real winning means not wanting the other person to lose.  No-court divorce offers divorcing parents the best possibility that they can share the joys of parenthood.  Such sharing is one of the best gifts parents can give their children, because children feel and treasure their parents experiencing this joy.  When divorcing parents learn how to prevent their children from being caught in the crossfire in the middle of a combat zone and put their children in the center of healthy interactions, their children can remain children.  They are unburdened by adult concerns.  They don’t have to worry about finances, how Mom and Dad are coping, fear of being loyal to one parent and not the other, being in an alliance with one parent against the other.  being afraid to express their feelings for fear of hurting Dad or Mom or of having Mom or Dad be angry with them.  When their life as they have known it is crumbling around them, children deserve to experience the benefits of no-court divorce.

 

Consider these two stories

The first story: Two divorced parents were called to an emergency scene at a lake to rescue their child who had had fallen into a lake.  Rather than springing into action and coordinating the child’s rescue, they immediately began arguing about whose fault it was that the child had fallen into the lake.  The child drowned.

The second story: (For ease of style, I use the generic pronoun “he” and its derivatives.)  Two divorcing parents were attending a co-parenting training class.  Ten pairs of parents were present in the class.  The instructor gave the directions for the first exercise.  “Sit down across from your partner and face each other, with your right elbows on the table.  Grab your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each parent will get one point every time the back of the other parent’s right hand touches the table.  The goal for each parent is to get as many points for himself or herself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your partner gets.  You will have one minute.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, the pairs struggled as each parent tried by physical strength to force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  With much effort and against the physical opposition of each partner, almost no one got more than a point or two.  There was a single exception.  Almost immediately, one parent remembered that his goal was to get as many points as he could for himself, and then he became utterly indifferent to how many points his partner got.  Instead of pushing on his partner’s hand, he pulled it down to the table, gave his surprised partner a quick and easy point, took a quick point for himself, and then gave his partner another point.  Without talking to or looking at each other, the two parents, with their elbows on the table, then swung their clasped hands harmoniously back and forth as rapidly as they could, thus collecting a large number of points for each of them.

Upon the conclusion of the exercise, each pair of parents reported to the group how many points each had collected.  No one had more than three points, except for the parent pair who had cooperated, each of whom had earned more than twenty points.

Despite the directions to the parents, that used the word “partner” and despite the instructions that they were to be indifferent to how many points their partner collected, virtually all parent participants had assumed that they and the one with whom they were doing the exercise were adversaries.  That adversarial assumption dominated their thinking and prevented them from getting as many points as they could have.

(Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, gave me the inspiration for this second story.)

A litigation attorney, tells me that when potential clients consult with her regarding retaining her for litigation, she educates them about the reasons clients should not consider litigation as an option to settle a dispute.  She explains that, if they value the relationship with the persons against whom they are considering bringing the lawsuit, litigation is likely not their best choice.

Do you think your children want you, their parents, to value your relationship with each other, just as they value and love each of you?  How will they feel most secure, knowing that their parents are partners or combatants?  What will they learn from you if you are engaged in combat divorce?  What will they learn from you if you model cooperative problem solving with integrity and mutual respect?  Who “wins” when one of your children’s parents “loses?”  What is the legacy you want to co-create for them?

“I was never ruined but twice – once when I lost a lawsuit, once when I won one.”
~Voltaire

Original material © 2018 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

 

Notes

  • Fagain, P., Rector, R. (2000).  “The Effects of Divorce on America” The Heritage Foundation Background Executive Summary, No. 1373.
  • Kelly, J. B. (2005).  “Developing beneficial parenting models for children following divorce.” Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers,19: 237-254.
  • Velez, C.E., Wolchick, S.A., Tein, J.Y., and Sandler, I. (2011).  “Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: A longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes.” Child Development, 82 (1): 244-257.
  • Holmes, T, and Rahe, R., (1967) “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale.”
    Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2): 213-218.
  • Shaw, L. (2010).  “Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis.” Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27(4): 447-467.

 
Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist, a board-certified clinical hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist and a former professor of Human Services at Saddleback College.  In private practice in Laguna Hills, CA, since 1983, Dr. Hughes is a respected expert and sought-after speaker on the effects of divorce on children.  In 2003 she became one of the founding members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, and is also a co-founder of and trainer for the Collaborative Divorce Education Institute in Orange County, CA, a non-profit organization, whose mission is to educate the public about peaceful options for divorce, as well as to provide quality training for collaborative divorce professionals.  She frequently trains and mentors collaborative practitioners and has appeared on the Time Warner Public television series “How to Get a Divorce”.  Carol has been a presenter at conferences of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and at California’s annual statewide conferences for collaborative professionals.  In 2011 Carol was honored with the Eureka Award, which recognizes those who have made significant contributions and demonstrated an abiding dedication to establishing and sustaining Collaborative Practice in California.  For a complete listing of her collaborative practice training and teaching workshops please visit www.CollaborativePractice.com, the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and click on the “Locate a Collaborative Professional near you” link.  In addition, please visit her website at www.DivorcePeacemaking.com and www.CDEI.info.

 

Learn Your Divorce Options at Spring Workshops

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Informative seminars help you learn about the different divorce processes

If you are struggling to find answers for your difficult questions about divorce, attend one of the Spring Divorce Options workshops offered by Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

The workshops take place at Orange Coast College, 2701 Fairview Road, Costa Mesa, California. The final date for spring 2017 is:

  • Thursday, April 20, 6 – 9 p.m.

Register online at the Orange Coast College website here (enter “Divorce Options” in the search box), or by phone at 714-432-5880, extension 1 (Monday – Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. only). For additional details, visit our Divorce Options page here. The seminar cost is $55 per person and includes all materials.

Our goal is helping people in a diverse range of situations. Divorce is difficult and stressful even under the best of circumstances. It can be especially hard if you have children or economic difficulties. Divorce affects people from all walks of life, and no two situations are alike.

We know from experience it IS possible despite challenges to preserve the emotional and financial resources of the family while respecting everyone’s needs during a divorce.

Led by volunteer attorneys, financial specialists, and mental health professionals who are members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, the workshop will cover the full range of choices couples have as they contemplate divorce, focusing on the non-adversarial, out-of-court options.

Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.
Getting answers to your tough questions at the next Divorce Options workshop will help you weather the storm.

Divorce Options provides unbiased information about self-representation, mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigated divorce. The workshop deals with the legal, financial, family and personal issues of divorce in an informational and compassionate small group setting.

The Divorce Options program welcomes anyone thinking about divorce or other relationship transitions including co-habitating couples with children or LGBT couples looking for a process aware and respectful of their unique needs. Divorce Options offers useful information adaptable to a wide variety of family circumstances.

Topics include:

  • Litigation, mediation and collaboration – the risks and the benefits of each process
  • Legal, financial, psychological and social issues of divorce
  • How to talk about divorce with your children
  • Guidance from divorce experts

By learning about divorce and the different process options available you can maximize your ability to make good decisions during the difficult and challenging time. Divorce Options is a workshop designed to help couples take the next step, no matter where they are in the process. It identifies strategies to help you stay out of court, and helps you identify the social, emotional, legal, and financial issues that are most pressing for you.

Presented as a community service by the members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

 

Mom and Dad, Here’s What I Need During Your Divorce

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by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the idea of their parents splitting up.

As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability at home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be easy, but these tips can help your children cope.

A Child’s Wish List During Their Parents’ Divorce

  • I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please communicate with me. Make phone calls, send texts and ask me lots of questions, but respect my right not to answer all the time. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
  • Please stop fighting and try hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on things that have to do with me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
  • I love you both and want to enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and my separate time with each of you. If you act jealous or upset when I am with my other parent, I feel like I need to take sides and love one of you more than the other.
  • Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. I don’t want to be your messenger.
  • When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
  • Please remember I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Please choose not to be another one of my problems!

It’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your kids the right kind of support through your divorce. It may feel like uncharted waters, but you can successfully navigate this uncertain time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

Your patience, reassurance, and a listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, it reminds them they can count on you for stability, structure, and care.

As you establish a working relationship with your co-parent, you help your kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. During this transitional time, you can’t be without some feelings of uncertainty and stress yourself, but you can greatly reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. Put them at the center of your interests – not in the middle of your battlefield.

A Divorced Parent’s Holiday Gift Guide: Your Child’s Wish List

By

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

Holiday season is here again. If you are divorced with children, the season can be challenging as you attempt to coordinate two households and extended family, trying to meet everyone’s needs simultaneously. As you begin to review your child’s wish list for the season, there is something more precious every child wants that you won’t find in any store or even on Amazon.

It’s time with both parents during the holidays, the kind of quality time that helps your children feel reassured that while their parents might not be living together anymore, your relationship with your child remains the same.

If your child could write out their wish list for the things to make it easier, the list would look like this:

1. Help me shop for or make a gift for my other parent, if I’m not old enough to do it myself. It feels good when I can give you each gifts that you like.

2. Don’t make me feel guilty about the gift I got or what fun I had with each of you.

3. Let me celebrate family traditions that are fun and important to me. Don’t make me give them up because they’re inconvenient to you or interfere with the parenting plan schedule. People first!

4. Let me be free of drama, bickering, or fighting about holiday plan scheduling, or other details of the season.

5. Please remember that I’m not property to be divided up. I have my own needs and feelings about my family and the holidays.

6. Ask me what I might like to do with each of my parents during the holiday season that is special to me, and help make it happen.

7. Please avoid asking questions about what I did while I spent time with the other parent.

8. I don’t want to rush through opening my presents or eating a meal or visiting with relatives because I have to be at my other parent’s house. If all we’re doing is hurrying, the holidays will be ruined for me.

9. Support me making my own decisions about when I will be staying with each of you when I’m home from college so I don’t get stressed out about it when I ought to be studying for finals.

10. Please enjoy time with me while I’m with you rather than complaining that you didn’t get the exact times or amount of time with me that you wanted. There is no scorecard that keeps track of the amount of my love for you. Relax. Love me back. Let go of the details.

 Wishing you and your family peace this holiday season.