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Children's Mental Health

Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

The Role of Minor’s Counsel in Litigation and in Collaborative Divorce

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In high conflict litigated cases, a Judge will often appoint Minor’s Counsel in order to assist them in determining orders that are in the best interests of the child or children of the marriage. Minor’s Counsel is an attorney who represents the children. They are not a therapist or a custody evaluator, however they will gather evidence to present arguments to the Court as to what orders are best for their client or clients [the children]. Minor’s counsel is able to access the confidential records for the child such as medical records, educational records or any records from therapists that have been treating the child.

When I have been in the role of Minor’s Counsel, I try to meet with the child in a neutral setting such as a park or a setting that will be comfortable for them. If I know that they like animals, I may bring one of my dogs with me to the first meeting. My goal in the first meeting is to provide the child with a safe space so that they can talk to me. In most litigated cases, the child has been exposed to the conflict of the parents for a long time. They may be coached by one or both parents or fearful that what they say to me will be shared with the parents. I also schedule meetings with each of the parents individually and each of the parents with the child.

Often the parents are so engaged in their negative feelings towards the other parent that they lack insight as to the damage that the conflict is causing to their children. While I am meeting with the family, I am also gathering evidence from outside sources which can help me understand what is in the best interests of that child. If the child has a therapist, then I will speak with them. If one of the parents has been taking the child to therapy without the involvement of the other parent, the evidence obtained may be weighted less. If the parents do not have the child in therapy, I will often recommend that a therapist be put into place for the child so that they have ongoing care and a safe space that they can speak about the children.

Prior to a return hearing with the Court, I will discuss my recommendations with both parents together and the attorneys if they are represented. Generally, parties that are in litigation are so entrenched in their own positions and what they want or what they think is right that they are unable to see the impact that their hostility has on the children. While I do not share all that my client has told me, I will ask permission to share certain statements. It often surprises the parents to learn that their child loves both parents and wants to have time with both of them. If there are issues of addiction or abuse, then we are able to discuss how to maintain that relationship in a manner that is safe for the child. My goal in sharing my position with the parents prior to the hearing is to see if there is a way that we can come up with options and work out a parenting plan together that will be in the best interests of the children. Unfortunately, if we are not able to do this then I will present my case to the Court and the Judge will make orders based on evidence that is presented by each of the parents as well as my evidence that is presented. In litigated cases, my role may continue for several years as most parents are not happy with orders that are made by a Court.

In a Collaborative Case, the parties who choose to participate in this process are able to use minor’s counsel before significant damage has been done to the children. Minor’s counsel may be used in a collaborative case where the parents need additional assistance in communicating with each other or where there has been a history of domestic violence or substance abuse or where there are older children in their teenage years who want to have a voice in what their life will look like after the Divorce. In Collaborative cases, there is often a parent child specialist involved as well. My role in a Collaborative case is to be part of the entire team and to represent the interests of the children while continuing to work with the entire team to guide the family through the process without causing damage to the children. In a collaborative case, my role is to gather information to be shared with the team as opposed to a litigated case where I would be gathering evidence to be presented to the Court.

I conduct the children’s meetings in the same manner as I would in a litigated case, meeting on neutral ground and establishing rapport, I will also meet with the children and each of the parents alone. However, as we are in a collaborative process, I will meet with the parents and children together and just the parents together. I coordinate with the parent child specialist as they are going to be working with the parents on communication and assisting them in getting through the Divorce without damage to the children.

In team meetings, I am able to present options to be considered by the team as a whole and those options can be discussed with the parents, the coaches, attorneys and parent child specialist. The parent child specialist is also able to weigh in. In collaborative cases we are able to structure a parenting plan that works for the children and for the family and will enable them to avoid litigating issues in the future. My role as minor’s counsel ends at the time that the Collaborative case is concluded as parents who work together on a parenting plan are generally happy with that parenting plan and do not continue to litigate the issues.

Minor’s counsel can be a vital role in both litigated cases or collaborative cases where the children need to have a voice. Although the process varies, the role of Minor’s Counsel remains the same, to provide information about what is in the best interests of the children and to assist the children in having a voice in their parents Divorce.

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

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By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action.  However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me.  This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next.  Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.”  A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney.  The process that they choose can make all the difference.  The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust.  It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind.  Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this.  You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

Co-parenting during the Pandemic Brings Danger and Opportunity

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By Carol Hughes | Originally posted on www.collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

Separation and divorce are crises for families.  The COVID-19 pandemic adds another layer of crisis on co-parents and their children, who are already stressed.  The virus is endangering lives world-wide.  In record numbers, people are losing their jobs, their income, and their familial and social connections.

Those who still have their jobs are balancing working virtually from home, taking care of their non-school age children, helping their other children with online schooling, and worrying about the health and safety of their family, extended families, and friends.

If you and your co-parent have had a productive co-parenting relationship before the pandemic, you may be able to see an opportunity to work together and support each other and your children more than you have before.  Bruce Fredenburg, one of my colleagues, says that the children are the real wealth of the family.  With this in mind, you can become a more united team to preserve that wealth and ensure your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

A healthy co-parenting relationship is vital to your children’s physical and emotional health.

If you and your co-parent have a strained relationship, this time of crisis can exacerbate the contentiousness in your co-parenting relationship.  Research indicates that the higher the tension between co-parents, the more at risk their children are for difficulties coping with separation and divorce.  These children can suffer from irritability, sadness, excessive worry, anxiety, depression, acting-out behaviors, a decline in school performance, difficulty concentrating, headaches, body pain, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite or overeating, and regressive behaviors, for example, baby talk, bedwetting, and nightmares.

This crisis is an opportunity for you and your co-parent to focus on your number one priority – the safety and protection of your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

Be Flexible and Work Together.

Several years ago, I read a similar story in the book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate.  I was inspired to write the below to illustrate how co-parents can cooperate and create successful co-parenting relationships that will benefit their children.

Two co-parents were attending a co-parenting class.  There were ten pairs of co-parents in the class.  The facilitator instructed each pair of co-parents to sit together, facing each other, with their right elbows on the table.  “Grasp your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each co-parent will get one point every time the back of your co-parent’s right-hand touches the table.  The goal for each co-parent is to get as many points for himself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your other co-parent gets.  You will have one minute for this exercise.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, nine co-parent pairs struggled as each co-parent tried to physically force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  The tenth co-parent pair was the lone exception.  One co-parent immediately remembered the goal was to get as many points for herself as possible.  Following the facilitator’s directions, she kept her eyes closed and became indifferent to how many points her co-parent got.  Instead of trying to push her co-parent’s hand down to the table, she surprised him by immediately pulling his hand down to the table and giving him an easy point as the back of her hand touched the table.  She then quickly pushed his hand to the table, taking an easy point for herself.  Her co-parent immediately caught on.  Keeping their eyes closed and their right elbows on the table, they swung their clasped hands back and forth as many times as they could.

When the exercise concluded, each pair of co-parents reported to the group how many points each had earned.  No one had more than two points, except for the co-parent pair who had cooperated.  They had each earned more than ten points.

Despite the directions to the co-parents that they were partners and that they were to be indifferent to how many points their other co-parent got, the other nine co-parent pairs assumed that they were adversaries.  This assumption prevented them from earning as many points as they could have earned.

Which co-parenting pair in the above story do you want to be for your children and extended family?  What is the legacy you want to leave them about this time in their lives?  What do you want to role model for them about how you resolve conflict?

One Day This Pandemic Will Be Behind Us

The danger that the COVID-19 virus brings is undeniable.  The opportunity that it offers you is for you and your co-parent to join together for your children’s benefit and make your co-parenting relationship more cooperative than it was before the pandemic.

If you run into an unsolvable conflict with your co-parent, visit the below website of Collaborative Divorce California for professionals in your area who can help you co-create workable solutions:

https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

 

Does COVID-19 Cause Divorce?

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By Leslee Newman, Family Law Attorney, CDSOC Member

The pandemic of COVID-19 has swept us up and dramatically changed the way we live in just a matter of weeks.  Our existence has become restricted, regulated, and different than we’ve ever known.  We have all become isolated in our own homes.  The freedom to come and go as we wish has been greatly altered.  We cannot go to restaurants, to our offices and work sites, and to many public places.  We cannot enter places of religious worship, attend lectures, professional meetings, go to the theater, to concerts, to movies, or even personally meet with friends.  And our children cannot go to school.  How traumatically sad for those students in the Class of 2020, graduating from high school and college.

With children now at home full-time, who cares for them, who teaches them, who keeps them busy, and prepares their meals?  We are all prisoners of the Covid pandemic, isolating ourselves to avoid this terrible, and often deadly disease, especially for mature and older adults.

And as we sacrifice and struggle to remain healthy, most of us are restricted from our work places, or worse, furloughed, laid off from work, or even permanently terminated.  Thus, without the expected household cash flow, how will we maintain our residences, and way of life?  How long can we hang on, even with some promised government assistance or unemployment checks?  If the disease doesn’t make you ill, the worry about paying the bills and trying to maintain a standard of living is enough to make you sick.

Although we have suffered many tragic events in the “golden state” due to diasastrous fire storms, and earthquakes, this silent pandemic is not limited to certain areas or neighborhoods.  It doesn’t respect boundaries, and will spread wherever it can.  All we can do is to isolate ourselves from carriers of this terrible disease.

How are families bearing through these troubled times?  Are spouses respecting one another, working more closely with one another?  Are spouses acting more lovingly to one another, with greater patience and understanding, or are they pebbling apart?  Are thoughts or threats of divorce making this crisis even more unbearable?

To make matters worse, courts are closed, with no cases to be heard right away.  No court orders or final judgments are being filed by the court.  What can be done?

Right now, we have no choice.  If divorce appears inevitable or necessary, it’s time to slow down, obtain information, and to carefully learn about the different options of divorce.

One of the most caring ways to do this is to learn how to stay out of court by utilizing a divorce process like mediation or a simplified collaborative divorce.  Not only are these methods faster, more respective and caring, but generally speaking, much less expensive than the traditional litigated divorce.

To learn more, contact Orange County collaborative professionals in your areas from the member’s page of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.  Obtain information up front about better alternatives to divorce or separation from experienced legal, mental health, and financial professionals who are compassionate and experienced in their respective areas of divorce and separation.

No Drama Divorce… How to Manage Fear and Expectations in a Co-Mediated Divorce Process Using Collaboratively-Trained Professionals

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By Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT and Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

The ending of a marriage can be a minefield of emotions and reactions.  A “no drama” divorce helps to shift a mindset from pain and unrealistic expectations to one of managing emotions, learning better communication skills, and gathering information in order to reduce anxiety of divorcing spouses.

In our experience of working together in a co-mediation process, the goal is to reduce the drama by reducing fear, managing both spouse’s expectations, and setting a course for the couple to be able to successfully navigate.  We cannot overstate the value to clients of using well-trained collaborative professionals to help them manage the fear and emotion in order to achieve their best family-centered outcome.

While the legal professional is educating on the legal process and the issues presented, the mental health professional (divorce coach or child specialist) is gathering information from the spouses regarding their urgent issues and concerns, including any communication challenges.

Throughout this process, it is essential for the clients to be heard, and to feel that they have an equal voice in reaching a resolution.  Often during this process, clients learn a new way to communicate with one another.  If children are involved, the goal is to be able to communicate better to more effectively co-parent.  Children, regardless of age, can be affected positively by parents communicating more effectively, keeping the best interest of their children at heart.

The value added by working with highly-trained collaborative professionals allows for seamless communication, timely responses to interim issues, and for maintaining momentum toward a practical, family-focused resolution.  There is also value added by a mediation process that can be far more creative in its outcome than any court-imposed judgment.

A “no drama” divorce, i.e., the ending of a marriage, can also be a new beginning for the individuals going through it.  We, as professionals, are continually amazed at the transformation of clients who have grown through the divorce process.  We often witness a combination of compassion and practicality shown by the clients toward one another by the end of the process.  This transformation does not usually occur after a litigated divorce, which underscores the added benefits of utilizing collaborative professionals to resolve the parties’ matter outside of the court process.

“I Just Need to Win”… How Collaborative Professionals Can Help Shift the Paradigm

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

Those of us of a certain age remember the immortal words of a successful football coach after whom the Super Bowl trophy was long ago named.

Vince Lombardi famously opined, “Winning isn’t everything… it’s the only thing.”  That’s a pithy and fitting philosophy for a coach to use to inspire his or her team to attain greater and greater success on the football field, but we collaborative divorce professionals know that it is not so useful when it is applied in the context of a divorcing couple.

It goes without saying that everybody wants to win.  No one wants to lose, regardless of the undertaking or the endeavor in which one is engaged.  We know intuitively from a very young age that winning is “good,” and that losing is “bad”.  We all want our team to win, and we become frustrated and sometimes angry, when our team loses.  We all know from following sports that when there is a winner, there is also a corresponding loser.

This concept of “winning” is ingrained in our being from an early age, and it has now saturated our culture.  We want winners, not losers when we choose employees, spouses, friends and professionals such as doctors and lawyers.

As a certified family law specialist who has litigated, and also mediated many divorces, it never ceases to amaze me when a spouse will say, “I just need to win.  You have to help me WIN!”

At such times I am compelled to ask, “What do you mean by “win” your divorce?” “What is a win?” “What does a win look like to you?”

Those of us who have dedicated our practice to helping couples finalize their divorces in a more peaceful manner, know that we can bring a much-needed paradigm shift at the beginning of their divorce process to better assist a family transitioning from one household into two separate households.

Our first challenge is often to help spouses understand at the outset that a divorce is not a zero-sum game in which there is one “winner” and one “loser”.  Given the near-automatic reflex to think in those terms, it can take some work to dispel that ill-fitting notion.  Yet, helping to shift the focus from that initial mindset of needing to “win” to one where a spouse can appreciate the benefit of achieving an outcome that is, instead, in the best interest of the family as a whole, cannot be overstated.

As we are well-trained to do, focusing on concerns that each may have rather than focusing on positions is likely to obtain a better outcome for the divorcing couple and their family.  We, as collaborative professionals can assist spouses to think slightly differently about this whole concept of “winning,” and to broaden their outlook to include the well-being of their entire family.

How do we help a couple create a “win/win” mindset based on a balanced outcome?

What if a “win” meant using the funds that would have been spent on contentious litigation to instead put toward the children’s education?

What if a “win” meant the ability to stay in the marital home for a period of time so that the children would not be displaced from their school and their friends?

What if a “win” meant that both parents could attend a child’s milestone events: recital, birthday, holidays, special occasion party, graduation or wedding without the child being forced to choose one parent’s attendance over the other?

What if a “win” meant that each spouse was able to move beyond the divorce with a positive outlook for his or her future?

The collaborative professionals have a unique opportunity to assist the transitioning couple to discard the mindset of divorce as a zero-sum game, and to embrace the concept of finding resolutions that are in the best interest of the whole family.

Mr. Lombardi’s familiar adage should rightfully be relegated to the football field, as it serves no useful purpose in helping couples to achieve a peaceful divorce that best meets the needs of their family.

January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, Child Specialist and Divorce Coach

 

“Children are like wet cement.  Everything that falls on them leaves an impression.”
~ Dr. Haim Ginott, World Renowned Child Psychologist

Often married adults include as one of their New Year’s resolutions that they are going to “start a new life” by filing for divorce.  For this reason, there is an increase in divorce filings in January.  This is why January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month.

When parents file for divorce, how does it affect their children?  It depends.

For decades, the research about children and divorce has indicated that children report that the news of their parents impending divorce and how their parents divorced made a lasting impression on them, even into their adulthood.  Most parents want to prevent emotional and psychological damage to their children during and after divorce, but they do not know how to do so.

Divorce is the number one stressor for adults, second only to the death of a loved one.  So, it is not surprising that divorcing parents find it difficult to be their best selves for the sake of their children.  In fact, research has found that due to the stress of divorce during and after divorce, parents’ ability to effectively parent their children is diminished.

Research also indicates that the number one predictor of children’s maladjustment during and after divorce is the level of conflict between their parents.  When parents are unable to model an amicable relationship with each other, are angry with each other, and engaged in the “battle” of divorce, their children are caught in the middle, drawn into taking sides, and they suffer.  Children do not have the capability to deal with such adult situations and lack the capacity to process the overwhelming emotions that arise in “win-lose” divorce.  How do parents become their best selves during such stressful times?

During divorce, parents typically fight about money and children.  One of my colleagues reminds parents that children are the true wealth of the family.  I believe that this is true, so for almost two decades, I have educated parents about a child-centered, respectful, out of court option for divorce called Collaborative Divorce, where parents learn how to work together rather than fight against each other.  Parents learn how to keep their children in the center rather than in the middle of their divorce.  They learn that it is crucial that their children feel safe and secure to love both parents.

Collaborative Divorce professional teams include a Child Specialist, who is the voice of the child.  Research indicates that, when children have a voice in their parents’ divorce process, talking with a professional who listen to them and educates them about this difficult family reorganization that they are experiencing, the children are better adjusted, the parents are better adjusted, and the parents’ agreements are more durable.  This is a win-win for parents and most importantly for their children.