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Collaborative Practice

Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.

The Best Kept Secret to a Successful Collaborative Divorce: Utilizing Coaches, Child Specialists and Financial Neutrals to Focus on Interests and Manage Emotions

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

As family law collaborators and mediators, we know all too well how the emotional aspects of a divorce can threaten to derail what often begins as a stable and effective process toward a peaceful resolution of our clients’ family law disputes.

Clients come to us for help in resolving their family law matters with the hope and intention of staying out of court.  This is a laudable goal, and most everyone comes with the highest intention of achieving that goal.  But then, something quite predictable happens… and if we collaborative professionals are not ready for it, the entire process can be unexpectedly hijacked, thereby posing a threat to the successful outcome for our clients and their families.  The ‘something’ that invariably shows up is our clients’ deeply held emotions about the unraveling of their marriages, including all of the uncertainty and fear that accompany such momentous changes in a person’s life circumstances.  As we know, once strong emotions enter the picture, it is quite challenging to remain in option-creation and problem-solving mode during the collaborative or mediation process.  However, that is what we must do, relying effectively upon our best kept secret, the “neutrals”.

 

Who Are the Neutrals?

We refer to the “neutrals” as those members of the collaborative team that are exactly that — neutral.  They are not advocating for either client, but rather, they serve to facilitate the successful outcome of a collaborative divorce through their professional roles as: financial neutral, child specialist, or as a single coach for both clients.

 

Why So Many People?

We are often asked, “why do I need so many people in my collaborative process”?  Understandably, prospective clients new to the collaborative process are wary of paying “so many” different professionals on the collaborative team.  It soon becomes clear to our clients just how invaluable the neutrals are to the successful outcome of a collaborative divorce.  Because the effective use of neutrals often dictates the likelihood of success, they are indeed, the “best kept secret” of the collaborative process.

Most clients do not think twice about the necessity of employing and paying for a lawyer to advocate on their behalf in a divorce.  While we lawyers enjoy a vital role on the team, it is often the work of the neutrals that makes the difference between a successful outcome or one that falls short.  Why?  Because sometimes when clients get stuck in the mud over a challenging issue, their advocates get stuck right along with them.  While this is certainly not desired, it is not uncommon for an advocate to get caught up in the strong emotions of his or her client during the divorce process.  It often takes someone who is not advocating for either client to better explore and explain options for breaking an impasse so that the matter may continue to move forward.  In this way, the neutral can play an instrumental role to enable the clients to reach a mutually-satisfying resolution.

 

When and How Are the Neutrals Best Utilized?

Question: When is the best time to utilize the neutral professionals?  Answer: Early and often.  It is highly recommended that the neutral professionals be made part of the collaborative team at the commencement of collaborative process.  In this way, they show up at the “collaborative table” as equal members of the collaborative team along with the lawyers.  This pays dividends throughout the process as the neutrals are vested, from the outset, with no less credibility and gravitas than their legal counterparts.  This allows the clients to have confidence in the input of the neutrals from the very beginning.

Our neutral professionals fulfill a vital role when it comes to managing and overcoming the emotional obstacles presented in a divorce.  For example, where an impasse can arise over the amount of support or whether the couple should sell the family home, the financial neutral can often be the secret weapon in helping the couple to break the impasse.  Where a spouse can get bogged down in all of the emotion surrounding wanting to stay in the marital residence, the financial neutral can explain the numbers in such a way as to help a client to visualize whether staying in the home presents a viable option or not.  The input of the neutral is future-focused and geared toward helping to solve the problem, rather than in furtherance of any position.  The coach or child specialist operates in the same manner.  They bring credibility, option-creation and problem-solving to the table in a way that the clients can trust in their unbiased input, especially if the neutrals have been involved from the outset of the collaborative process.

 

Neutrals-The Secret to Success

As has been proven, the collaborative model works so well because all of the members of the collaborative team play a critical role in the success of the collaborative process.  We know that emotions can run high during a divorce.  We also know that emotions can get in the way of rationality, and the ability to access the cognitive areas of our brain, which is critical for effective problem-solving.  That is precisely why the use of neutrals is one of the best-kept secrets to success.  As impartial and unbiased members of the team, they are best-suited to help clients move past the emotion of a given impasse, and to focus on feasible options to obtain an optimal outcome for their families.

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

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By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action.  However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me.  This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next.  Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.”  A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney.  The process that they choose can make all the difference.  The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust.  It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind.  Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this.  You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

No Drama Divorce… How to Manage Fear and Expectations in a Co-Mediated Divorce Process Using Collaboratively-Trained Professionals

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By Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT and Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

The ending of a marriage can be a minefield of emotions and reactions.  A “no drama” divorce helps to shift a mindset from pain and unrealistic expectations to one of managing emotions, learning better communication skills, and gathering information in order to reduce anxiety of divorcing spouses.

In our experience of working together in a co-mediation process, the goal is to reduce the drama by reducing fear, managing both spouse’s expectations, and setting a course for the couple to be able to successfully navigate.  We cannot overstate the value to clients of using well-trained collaborative professionals to help them manage the fear and emotion in order to achieve their best family-centered outcome.

While the legal professional is educating on the legal process and the issues presented, the mental health professional (divorce coach or child specialist) is gathering information from the spouses regarding their urgent issues and concerns, including any communication challenges.

Throughout this process, it is essential for the clients to be heard, and to feel that they have an equal voice in reaching a resolution.  Often during this process, clients learn a new way to communicate with one another.  If children are involved, the goal is to be able to communicate better to more effectively co-parent.  Children, regardless of age, can be affected positively by parents communicating more effectively, keeping the best interest of their children at heart.

The value added by working with highly-trained collaborative professionals allows for seamless communication, timely responses to interim issues, and for maintaining momentum toward a practical, family-focused resolution.  There is also value added by a mediation process that can be far more creative in its outcome than any court-imposed judgment.

A “no drama” divorce, i.e., the ending of a marriage, can also be a new beginning for the individuals going through it.  We, as professionals, are continually amazed at the transformation of clients who have grown through the divorce process.  We often witness a combination of compassion and practicality shown by the clients toward one another by the end of the process.  This transformation does not usually occur after a litigated divorce, which underscores the added benefits of utilizing collaborative professionals to resolve the parties’ matter outside of the court process.

“I Just Need to Win”… How Collaborative Professionals Can Help Shift the Paradigm

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

Those of us of a certain age remember the immortal words of a successful football coach after whom the Super Bowl trophy was long ago named.

Vince Lombardi famously opined, “Winning isn’t everything… it’s the only thing.”  That’s a pithy and fitting philosophy for a coach to use to inspire his or her team to attain greater and greater success on the football field, but we collaborative divorce professionals know that it is not so useful when it is applied in the context of a divorcing couple.

It goes without saying that everybody wants to win.  No one wants to lose, regardless of the undertaking or the endeavor in which one is engaged.  We know intuitively from a very young age that winning is “good,” and that losing is “bad”.  We all want our team to win, and we become frustrated and sometimes angry, when our team loses.  We all know from following sports that when there is a winner, there is also a corresponding loser.

This concept of “winning” is ingrained in our being from an early age, and it has now saturated our culture.  We want winners, not losers when we choose employees, spouses, friends and professionals such as doctors and lawyers.

As a certified family law specialist who has litigated, and also mediated many divorces, it never ceases to amaze me when a spouse will say, “I just need to win.  You have to help me WIN!”

At such times I am compelled to ask, “What do you mean by “win” your divorce?” “What is a win?” “What does a win look like to you?”

Those of us who have dedicated our practice to helping couples finalize their divorces in a more peaceful manner, know that we can bring a much-needed paradigm shift at the beginning of their divorce process to better assist a family transitioning from one household into two separate households.

Our first challenge is often to help spouses understand at the outset that a divorce is not a zero-sum game in which there is one “winner” and one “loser”.  Given the near-automatic reflex to think in those terms, it can take some work to dispel that ill-fitting notion.  Yet, helping to shift the focus from that initial mindset of needing to “win” to one where a spouse can appreciate the benefit of achieving an outcome that is, instead, in the best interest of the family as a whole, cannot be overstated.

As we are well-trained to do, focusing on concerns that each may have rather than focusing on positions is likely to obtain a better outcome for the divorcing couple and their family.  We, as collaborative professionals can assist spouses to think slightly differently about this whole concept of “winning,” and to broaden their outlook to include the well-being of their entire family.

How do we help a couple create a “win/win” mindset based on a balanced outcome?

What if a “win” meant using the funds that would have been spent on contentious litigation to instead put toward the children’s education?

What if a “win” meant the ability to stay in the marital home for a period of time so that the children would not be displaced from their school and their friends?

What if a “win” meant that both parents could attend a child’s milestone events: recital, birthday, holidays, special occasion party, graduation or wedding without the child being forced to choose one parent’s attendance over the other?

What if a “win” meant that each spouse was able to move beyond the divorce with a positive outlook for his or her future?

The collaborative professionals have a unique opportunity to assist the transitioning couple to discard the mindset of divorce as a zero-sum game, and to embrace the concept of finding resolutions that are in the best interest of the whole family.

Mr. Lombardi’s familiar adage should rightfully be relegated to the football field, as it serves no useful purpose in helping couples to achieve a peaceful divorce that best meets the needs of their family.

January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, Child Specialist and Divorce Coach

 

“Children are like wet cement.  Everything that falls on them leaves an impression.”
~ Dr. Haim Ginott, World Renowned Child Psychologist

Often married adults include as one of their New Year’s resolutions that they are going to “start a new life” by filing for divorce.  For this reason, there is an increase in divorce filings in January.  This is why January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month.

When parents file for divorce, how does it affect their children?  It depends.

For decades, the research about children and divorce has indicated that children report that the news of their parents impending divorce and how their parents divorced made a lasting impression on them, even into their adulthood.  Most parents want to prevent emotional and psychological damage to their children during and after divorce, but they do not know how to do so.

Divorce is the number one stressor for adults, second only to the death of a loved one.  So, it is not surprising that divorcing parents find it difficult to be their best selves for the sake of their children.  In fact, research has found that due to the stress of divorce during and after divorce, parents’ ability to effectively parent their children is diminished.

Research also indicates that the number one predictor of children’s maladjustment during and after divorce is the level of conflict between their parents.  When parents are unable to model an amicable relationship with each other, are angry with each other, and engaged in the “battle” of divorce, their children are caught in the middle, drawn into taking sides, and they suffer.  Children do not have the capability to deal with such adult situations and lack the capacity to process the overwhelming emotions that arise in “win-lose” divorce.  How do parents become their best selves during such stressful times?

During divorce, parents typically fight about money and children.  One of my colleagues reminds parents that children are the true wealth of the family.  I believe that this is true, so for almost two decades, I have educated parents about a child-centered, respectful, out of court option for divorce called Collaborative Divorce, where parents learn how to work together rather than fight against each other.  Parents learn how to keep their children in the center rather than in the middle of their divorce.  They learn that it is crucial that their children feel safe and secure to love both parents.

Collaborative Divorce professional teams include a Child Specialist, who is the voice of the child.  Research indicates that, when children have a voice in their parents’ divorce process, talking with a professional who listen to them and educates them about this difficult family reorganization that they are experiencing, the children are better adjusted, the parents are better adjusted, and the parents’ agreements are more durable.  This is a win-win for parents and most importantly for their children.

Horror Stories of the Delayed Divorce

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A recommended article written by Diana L. Martinez, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, Lecturer & Trainer

“As we enter the holidays, many divorcing couples choose to put their divorce on hold, preferring to focus on more enjoyable aspects of the season.  Unfortunately, this can make for a horror movie later on.  Before you slow things down, understand the potential nightmare lurking behind delays in your divorce, and how you can create a safer way to give yourself a much needed respite this holiday season.”

Click the link below to read more:

https://www.hbplaw.com/blog/2019/10/horror-stories-of-the-delayed-divorce/