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CDSOC

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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  • The Collaborative Process
    • Overview
    • The Professional Team
    • FAQs
  • Find a Professional
    • Divorce Professionals
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    • About Divorce Options
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COVID-19

Out of every ending, there is a new beginning

September 16, 2020 By CDSOC

Intro: The sixth phase of grief for couples and families after divorce bring meaning and renewal.

By Hiram Rivera-Toro & Karen Shipley

Entering autumn is a time of goodbyes.  Of saying farewell to summer and all the special memories the season brings:  family get togethers, backyard Bar B Q’s, beach outings, and long road trips.  September 22, 2020, however, marks the passage of a summer that never was:  cancelled proms and graduation ceremonies, June weddings rescheduled, and sheltering at home instead of hanging out.  COVID has rendered our lives unrecognizable as we come to realize there’s no going back to the way it was.  The past is lost, and the future is uncertain.

Parents facing divorce is much like facing Autumn in the time of COVID.  It produces “anticipatory anxiety”, that feeling of dread that accompanies unwelcome change.  It is part of a painful divorce experience that, in many ways resembles the type of grief associated with tremendous trauma and loss.  Professionals trained in the behavioral sciences identify this as the Grief Cycle (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD),  which include five distinct emotions and thoughts: denial, anger, depression, bargaining (often experienced as wishful thinking, what if’s, and “only If I had . . .”), and acceptance.  These five stages do not arrange themselves linearly.  Any one stage can be revisited, or even cause an escapable trap.  Ideally, however, a grieving person moves through the five stages until arriving at a sense of acceptance, strong enough to prompt moving on.  However, individuals overwhelmed by the experience find themselves awash in negativity, with emotions endlessly cycling through all five stages of grief without resolution.

In truth there is little about divorce that can be described as anything but easy, but it does not have to be traumatic.  It may be devastating, but it does not have to be destructive.  It reshapes the family system, but it does not have to annihilate it.  Exchanging the ideal of what was supposed to be for the reality of what is does not have to be perceived as a loss of dreams, an endless loop of grief and loss, but as an opportunity for a new beginning.  David Kessler, grief expert and colleague of Dr. Kubler-Ross, understood grief as a six stage process, wherein the last step  lifts us up and out of the grieving cycle to a place of resolution and inner peace, which he terms as “finding meaning” (Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, 2019). In turn, Tedeschi and Calhoun, in their book Trauma and Transformation (1995), took another look at Post Traumatic Stress as an opportunity for Post Traumatic Growth – a process by which individuals emerge from trauma stronger, better, built up rather than beaten down.

Navigating this process requires a focus that constructively steers the family toward a positive outcome.  Your collaborative team draws from a bedrock principle grounded in the child’s perspective: Mom and Dad are, have been, and always will be Mom and Dad, and the role of parent, unlike the role of spouse, cannot be dissolved by a legal document.  Even as the marriage you once had is drawing to a close your children’s development continues forward. As our colleagues, Bruce Fredenburg and Carol Hughes, say in their recently published book, “Home Will Never Be The Same Again”, 2020, this holds true at any age, and adults may be as affected by parents’ divorce as their younger counterparts.

The collaborative team works from the standpoint that parenting is really coparenting – it is a shared endeavor that joins two individuals in a common goal of raising secure, confident, and productive individuals.  Even in the most ideal situation, where the external shape of the family unit remains relatively unchanged, coparenting is a challenge.  But when the ideal is no more, and the family finds itself torn apart, effective coparenting is more necessary than ever. In the storm of uncertainty, it is the one immutable factor that children, as well as parents and extended family members can hold on to.  In the spirit of this philosophy, the team assures that visitation schedules, financial agreements, residential arrangements take place in an environment of mutual respect rather than acrimony.  And, as actions unfold on the principle of respect, you and your children will once again experience mother and father interacting as a team.

This is possible because the collaborative process teaches the importance of communicating to be understood, and hearing to understand the other parent.  It teaches resolution in a peaceful manner.  It teaches us that we don’t have to become entrenched in the negatives of divorce, but to focus on the positivity of new beginnings. So, we end with the title of this blog, “Out of every ending, there is a new beginning.”

Filed Under: Co-Parenting, COVID-19, Divorce and Emotions, General Divorce Tagged With: Divorce and Anger, Divorce and Grief, Divorce and Trauma, Divorce Philosophy

Co-parenting during the Pandemic Brings Danger and Opportunity

July 9, 2020 By CDSOC

By Carol Hughes | Originally posted on www.collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

Separation and divorce are crises for families.  The COVID-19 pandemic adds another layer of crisis on co-parents and their children, who are already stressed.  The virus is endangering lives world-wide.  In record numbers, people are losing their jobs, their income, and their familial and social connections.

Those who still have their jobs are balancing working virtually from home, taking care of their non-school age children, helping their other children with online schooling, and worrying about the health and safety of their family, extended families, and friends.

If you and your co-parent have had a productive co-parenting relationship before the pandemic, you may be able to see an opportunity to work together and support each other and your children more than you have before.  Bruce Fredenburg, one of my colleagues, says that the children are the real wealth of the family.  With this in mind, you can become a more united team to preserve that wealth and ensure your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

A healthy co-parenting relationship is vital to your children’s physical and emotional health.

If you and your co-parent have a strained relationship, this time of crisis can exacerbate the contentiousness in your co-parenting relationship.  Research indicates that the higher the tension between co-parents, the more at risk their children are for difficulties coping with separation and divorce.  These children can suffer from irritability, sadness, excessive worry, anxiety, depression, acting-out behaviors, a decline in school performance, difficulty concentrating, headaches, body pain, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite or overeating, and regressive behaviors, for example, baby talk, bedwetting, and nightmares.

This crisis is an opportunity for you and your co-parent to focus on your number one priority – the safety and protection of your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

Be Flexible and Work Together.

Several years ago, I read a similar story in the book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate.  I was inspired to write the below to illustrate how co-parents can cooperate and create successful co-parenting relationships that will benefit their children.

Two co-parents were attending a co-parenting class.  There were ten pairs of co-parents in the class.  The facilitator instructed each pair of co-parents to sit together, facing each other, with their right elbows on the table.  “Grasp your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each co-parent will get one point every time the back of your co-parent’s right-hand touches the table.  The goal for each co-parent is to get as many points for himself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your other co-parent gets.  You will have one minute for this exercise.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, nine co-parent pairs struggled as each co-parent tried to physically force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  The tenth co-parent pair was the lone exception.  One co-parent immediately remembered the goal was to get as many points for herself as possible.  Following the facilitator’s directions, she kept her eyes closed and became indifferent to how many points her co-parent got.  Instead of trying to push her co-parent’s hand down to the table, she surprised him by immediately pulling his hand down to the table and giving him an easy point as the back of her hand touched the table.  She then quickly pushed his hand to the table, taking an easy point for herself.  Her co-parent immediately caught on.  Keeping their eyes closed and their right elbows on the table, they swung their clasped hands back and forth as many times as they could.

When the exercise concluded, each pair of co-parents reported to the group how many points each had earned.  No one had more than two points, except for the co-parent pair who had cooperated.  They had each earned more than ten points.

Despite the directions to the co-parents that they were partners and that they were to be indifferent to how many points their other co-parent got, the other nine co-parent pairs assumed that they were adversaries.  This assumption prevented them from earning as many points as they could have earned.

Which co-parenting pair in the above story do you want to be for your children and extended family?  What is the legacy you want to leave them about this time in their lives?  What do you want to role model for them about how you resolve conflict?

One Day This Pandemic Will Be Behind Us

The danger that the COVID-19 virus brings is undeniable.  The opportunity that it offers you is for you and your co-parent to join together for your children’s benefit and make your co-parenting relationship more cooperative than it was before the pandemic.

If you run into an unsolvable conflict with your co-parent, visit the below website of Collaborative Divorce California for professionals in your area who can help you co-create workable solutions:

https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

 

Filed Under: Children's Mental Health, Co-Parenting, COVID-19, Mental Health, Tips & Resources

Does COVID-19 Cause Divorce?

May 19, 2020 By CDSOC

By Leslee Newman, Family Law Attorney, CDSOC Member

The pandemic of COVID-19 has swept us up and dramatically changed the way we live in just a matter of weeks.  Our existence has become restricted, regulated, and different than we’ve ever known.  We have all become isolated in our own homes.  The freedom to come and go as we wish has been greatly altered.  We cannot go to restaurants, to our offices and work sites, and to many public places.  We cannot enter places of religious worship, attend lectures, professional meetings, go to the theater, to concerts, to movies, or even personally meet with friends.  And our children cannot go to school.  How traumatically sad for those students in the Class of 2020, graduating from high school and college.

With children now at home full-time, who cares for them, who teaches them, who keeps them busy, and prepares their meals?  We are all prisoners of the Covid pandemic, isolating ourselves to avoid this terrible, and often deadly disease, especially for mature and older adults.

And as we sacrifice and struggle to remain healthy, most of us are restricted from our work places, or worse, furloughed, laid off from work, or even permanently terminated.  Thus, without the expected household cash flow, how will we maintain our residences, and way of life?  How long can we hang on, even with some promised government assistance or unemployment checks?  If the disease doesn’t make you ill, the worry about paying the bills and trying to maintain a standard of living is enough to make you sick.

Although we have suffered many tragic events in the “golden state” due to diasastrous fire storms, and earthquakes, this silent pandemic is not limited to certain areas or neighborhoods.  It doesn’t respect boundaries, and will spread wherever it can.  All we can do is to isolate ourselves from carriers of this terrible disease.

How are families bearing through these troubled times?  Are spouses respecting one another, working more closely with one another?  Are spouses acting more lovingly to one another, with greater patience and understanding, or are they pebbling apart?  Are thoughts or threats of divorce making this crisis even more unbearable?

To make matters worse, courts are closed, with no cases to be heard right away.  No court orders or final judgments are being filed by the court.  What can be done?

Right now, we have no choice.  If divorce appears inevitable or necessary, it’s time to slow down, obtain information, and to carefully learn about the different options of divorce.

One of the most caring ways to do this is to learn how to stay out of court by utilizing a divorce process like mediation or a simplified collaborative divorce.  Not only are these methods faster, more respective and caring, but generally speaking, much less expensive than the traditional litigated divorce.

To learn more, contact Orange County collaborative professionals in your areas from the member’s page of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.  Obtain information up front about better alternatives to divorce or separation from experienced legal, mental health, and financial professionals who are compassionate and experienced in their respective areas of divorce and separation.

Filed Under: Children's Mental Health, COVID-19, Divorce and Emotions, Divorce and Money, General Divorce, Mental Health, Tips & Resources Tagged With: Divorce and Trauma

Tips and Resources for California Co-parents during the COVID-19 Pandemic

April 29, 2020 By CDSOC

A recommended article written by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, Child Specialist and Divorce Coach

The spread of the COVID-19 virus and the subsequent government shelter-at-home orders have upended “life as normal” for California co-parents and their families.  Now more than ever is the time for co-parents to work together, support each other, and model effective problem-solving for their children.

Click the link below for tips and resources:

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/knowledge-center/regional-resources/united-states/california/co-parenting-california-covid-19

Filed Under: Co-Parenting, COVID-19, Tips & Resources Tagged With: California

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