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Family Issues

Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.

13 Tips for Talking with Your Children About Your Separation and Divorce

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT
www.DivorcePeacemaking.com

The following tips will help you prepare to talk with your children about your separation and divorce. You care about doing the best you can for your children because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. This is a stressful time for all of you. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths — you and your children will get through this difficult time.

  1. Agree on a time when you both can be present to talk with your children together. Siblings need the support they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members. Treat it as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them, for example, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.
  2. Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them to be familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you if you wish and say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us, and we don’t want to forget anything.” Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage, and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to take in all you are sharing.
  3. First, tell your children that you love them very much, that you will always love them and always be their parents. Assure them that they will continue to have both parents’ emotional support and love in the newly restructured family.
  4. Tell them that the two of you have decided not to be married anymore and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you have tried to solve but haven’t been able to. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children that this is NOT THEIR FAULT. Children often automatically assume it IS their fault.
  5. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other anymore. Children then think that their parents could also stop loving them one day, which could unsettle them and the stable foundation of having two loving parents.
  6. Avoid blaming each other. Now is the time for the two of you to have a united front with your children. Remember that this news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty, feel that they need to choose sides, and feel guilty for loving both of you. Children often report that they hated being put in this position and feeling that each parent attempted to form an alliance with them against the other parent.
  7. Next, tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, that you will always be their parents, and that you will always love them. Tell them you intend to be friendly so that you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, for other family members, or their friends. Tell them if one of you intends to stay in the family home if you know this. Assure them that they will be remaining in their same schools, same activities, etc., if this is true. If you don’t yet know all that will remain the same, it is ok to tell them that. Assure them that you will tell them when you do know more about what will stay the same.
  8. Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes and, at the appropriate time, that they can be involved in seeing the new homes or looking for them with you after you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or a martyr. It will only make them feel guilty.
  9. If they ask you a question you don’t know the answer to yet, for example, “Will we stay in this house?” it’s ok to tell them you don’t know the answer to that question, and when you do, you will tell them.
  10. Remember that you are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel, and understand what you share with them. Acknowledge that you realize the announcement is a shock and that their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are ok. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about YOUR feelings, e.g., how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy, etc. Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, what you are telling them is rocking their familial foundation and rewriting their family history. They are losing their “family nest.”
  11. Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. That is your job, not theirs.
  12. Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, they may already be recalling their childhood memories and wondering: “What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?” Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, present, and future.
  13. Assure them that this will be a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them that you will always love them and always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone, so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage them to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you intend to talk with a counselor and that you will all get through this together.

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

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By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action.  However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me.  This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next.  Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.”  A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney.  The process that they choose can make all the difference.  The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust.  It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind.  Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this.  You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

No Drama Divorce… How to Manage Fear and Expectations in a Co-Mediated Divorce Process Using Collaboratively-Trained Professionals

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By Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT and Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

The ending of a marriage can be a minefield of emotions and reactions.  A “no drama” divorce helps to shift a mindset from pain and unrealistic expectations to one of managing emotions, learning better communication skills, and gathering information in order to reduce anxiety of divorcing spouses.

In our experience of working together in a co-mediation process, the goal is to reduce the drama by reducing fear, managing both spouse’s expectations, and setting a course for the couple to be able to successfully navigate.  We cannot overstate the value to clients of using well-trained collaborative professionals to help them manage the fear and emotion in order to achieve their best family-centered outcome.

While the legal professional is educating on the legal process and the issues presented, the mental health professional (divorce coach or child specialist) is gathering information from the spouses regarding their urgent issues and concerns, including any communication challenges.

Throughout this process, it is essential for the clients to be heard, and to feel that they have an equal voice in reaching a resolution.  Often during this process, clients learn a new way to communicate with one another.  If children are involved, the goal is to be able to communicate better to more effectively co-parent.  Children, regardless of age, can be affected positively by parents communicating more effectively, keeping the best interest of their children at heart.

The value added by working with highly-trained collaborative professionals allows for seamless communication, timely responses to interim issues, and for maintaining momentum toward a practical, family-focused resolution.  There is also value added by a mediation process that can be far more creative in its outcome than any court-imposed judgment.

A “no drama” divorce, i.e., the ending of a marriage, can also be a new beginning for the individuals going through it.  We, as professionals, are continually amazed at the transformation of clients who have grown through the divorce process.  We often witness a combination of compassion and practicality shown by the clients toward one another by the end of the process.  This transformation does not usually occur after a litigated divorce, which underscores the added benefits of utilizing collaborative professionals to resolve the parties’ matter outside of the court process.

“I Just Need to Win”… How Collaborative Professionals Can Help Shift the Paradigm

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

Those of us of a certain age remember the immortal words of a successful football coach after whom the Super Bowl trophy was long ago named.

Vince Lombardi famously opined, “Winning isn’t everything… it’s the only thing.”  That’s a pithy and fitting philosophy for a coach to use to inspire his or her team to attain greater and greater success on the football field, but we collaborative divorce professionals know that it is not so useful when it is applied in the context of a divorcing couple.

It goes without saying that everybody wants to win.  No one wants to lose, regardless of the undertaking or the endeavor in which one is engaged.  We know intuitively from a very young age that winning is “good,” and that losing is “bad”.  We all want our team to win, and we become frustrated and sometimes angry, when our team loses.  We all know from following sports that when there is a winner, there is also a corresponding loser.

This concept of “winning” is ingrained in our being from an early age, and it has now saturated our culture.  We want winners, not losers when we choose employees, spouses, friends and professionals such as doctors and lawyers.

As a certified family law specialist who has litigated, and also mediated many divorces, it never ceases to amaze me when a spouse will say, “I just need to win.  You have to help me WIN!”

At such times I am compelled to ask, “What do you mean by “win” your divorce?” “What is a win?” “What does a win look like to you?”

Those of us who have dedicated our practice to helping couples finalize their divorces in a more peaceful manner, know that we can bring a much-needed paradigm shift at the beginning of their divorce process to better assist a family transitioning from one household into two separate households.

Our first challenge is often to help spouses understand at the outset that a divorce is not a zero-sum game in which there is one “winner” and one “loser”.  Given the near-automatic reflex to think in those terms, it can take some work to dispel that ill-fitting notion.  Yet, helping to shift the focus from that initial mindset of needing to “win” to one where a spouse can appreciate the benefit of achieving an outcome that is, instead, in the best interest of the family as a whole, cannot be overstated.

As we are well-trained to do, focusing on concerns that each may have rather than focusing on positions is likely to obtain a better outcome for the divorcing couple and their family.  We, as collaborative professionals can assist spouses to think slightly differently about this whole concept of “winning,” and to broaden their outlook to include the well-being of their entire family.

How do we help a couple create a “win/win” mindset based on a balanced outcome?

What if a “win” meant using the funds that would have been spent on contentious litigation to instead put toward the children’s education?

What if a “win” meant the ability to stay in the marital home for a period of time so that the children would not be displaced from their school and their friends?

What if a “win” meant that both parents could attend a child’s milestone events: recital, birthday, holidays, special occasion party, graduation or wedding without the child being forced to choose one parent’s attendance over the other?

What if a “win” meant that each spouse was able to move beyond the divorce with a positive outlook for his or her future?

The collaborative professionals have a unique opportunity to assist the transitioning couple to discard the mindset of divorce as a zero-sum game, and to embrace the concept of finding resolutions that are in the best interest of the whole family.

Mr. Lombardi’s familiar adage should rightfully be relegated to the football field, as it serves no useful purpose in helping couples to achieve a peaceful divorce that best meets the needs of their family.

The Advantage of Child Support Calculation Through the Collaborative Divorce Process

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A recommended article written by Leslee J. Newman, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, and Family Law Specialist

“A divorce with children who are not yet adults includes decisions regarding child support payment.  In every state including California, there is a different formula to calculate child support.  If divorcing parents go to court and request a judge to make the child support order, the statewide formula must be used to arrive at the amount of the support to be paid from one parent to the other.  Find out how parents selecting an out-of-court process like collaborative divorce can create their own agreeable amount without going to court.”

Click the link below to read more.

https://divorcepeacemaker.com/blog_index/the-advantage-of-child-support-calculation-through-the-collaborative-divorce-process/

Horror Stories of the Delayed Divorce

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A recommended article written by Diana L. Martinez, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, Lecturer & Trainer

“As we enter the holidays, many divorcing couples choose to put their divorce on hold, preferring to focus on more enjoyable aspects of the season.  Unfortunately, this can make for a horror movie later on.  Before you slow things down, understand the potential nightmare lurking behind delays in your divorce, and how you can create a safer way to give yourself a much needed respite this holiday season.”

Click the link below to read more:

https://www.hbplaw.com/blog/2019/10/horror-stories-of-the-delayed-divorce/