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Tips for Talking With Young Children About Your Upcoming Separation or Divorce

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Note: To avoid the clumsiness of using “child/children,” “children” is intentionally used throughout this article

It is clear you care about doing the best you can for your children through the separation and divorce process, because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths. You and your children will get through this difficult time.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare to talk with your minor children.

Agree on a time when you and your spouse can talk with your children together. Siblings need the support system they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they will have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them; for instance, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.

Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so that you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

Tell them that the two of you have decided to end your marriage and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you haven’t been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children this is NOT THEIR fault. Children often automatically assume responsibility for family issues.

Reassure your children you love them, you will always love them and you will always be their parents. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other any more. Children then think perhaps their parents could stop loving them one day as well. This unsettles them and the stable foundation having two loving parents provides.

Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you to show a united front to your children. This news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and feel they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Children often report they hate being put in this position and feel each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

Tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and you will always love them. Explain you will be amicable so you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, other family members or their friends. Explain your living situation (who is staying in the family home, etc.). Describe what will remain the same (school, activities, etc.). Assure them that they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.

Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes. If feasible, involve them at the appropriate time, for example, once you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make children feel guilty and angry at their other parent.

You are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand what you are sharing with them. Acknowledge the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, (how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy). Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history is being rewritten. They are losing their world.

Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs.

Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, your children may recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.

Assure your children this is a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage your children to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, to talk about your feelings.

Take advantage of the Child Specialist available to you and your children as part of the Collaborative Divorce process to give your children a safe, healthy outlet to express themselves and begin the journey toward a positive, happy future.

How to Talk About Your Divorce With Your Adult Children

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

One of the most difficult steps in the divorce process is talking about your decision with your adult children. It may feel like admitting a failure, or letting them down.

Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such, even when your children are no longer “kids.” Children who are adults when their parents divorced consistently report years later the news of their parents’ divorce “rocked the very foundation” of their world.

You are making a good start and doing the best you can. You are reading this blog post. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is perfect. Breathe deeply; you and your children can get through this difficult time together. These tips will help guide you through this process.

  1. Schedule a time when you can speak with your children together and preferably in person. Siblings benefit from the support system they can provide each other. When you are scheduling the time to talk, tell them you have something important to discuss with them. Assure them no one is sick or dying. If they ask you what you want to talk about, tell them you prefer to discuss it in person when you are together.

If it isn’t possible to speak in person, schedule a time to speak via Skype, Face Time or another video chat program. Avoid telling them via telephone and especially resist the temptation to communicate via email. It is too impersonal.

  1. Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage. They will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them multiple times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

  1. Explain the two of you have decided to end your marriage because you have problems between you have not been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations.
  1. Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you show a united front to your children. Remember this news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it for many years. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and forces the impression they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Adult children report they hated being put in this position and feeling that each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.
  1. Tell them what will remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and your intention is to be amicable so that you can both attend family gatherings and not create tension for them and their significant others. If they are still in college, tell them if you will be continuing the financial arrangements you have had in place. Tell them if one of you intends to stay in the family home. Assure them they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.
  1. Tell them what will not remain the same. You may be unable to continue the financial arrangements you had regarding college. You may intend to sell the family home. If you are helping them pay off college loans and won’t be able to continue doing so, inform them. Assure them you will do everything possible to assist them financially, as you have in the past, while at the same time acknowledging there will be some economic impact as the family restructures. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make them feel guilty or angry at their other parent.
  1. Remember, no matter how old your children are, you are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand. Acknowledge you realize the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, e.g., how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy, etc. Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Bear in mind their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history has been rewritten. They have become members of the “lost nest” generation. There will be no “family nest” to return to at the holidays.
  1. Tell them you still believe in family and you hope they will too. This doesn’t mean that they will not be able to having a strong and happy relationship. Tell them you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs. Tell them you have, or plan to have, your own support system separate from them and you want them to establish a support system for themselves as well.

Online groups for adult children whose parents are divorcing can be helpful. The books “A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years,” and “The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents’ Divorce after a Lifetime” (both available via Amazon.com with excellent reviews) will help them realize they are not alone.

  1. Avoid telling them you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. They will recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations? Has my whole life been a sham?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.
  1. Assure them that this will be a process for all of you to move through, at our own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage them to speak with a counselor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, because you have learned the end of a marriage is a major life stressor for all family members, second only to the death of a loved one. This too shall pass.

 

How You Can Benefit from the Collaborative Practice Philosophy

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by Brian Don Levy, Esq., Collaborative Practice Attorney & Mediator

Social science research including the United States Census routinely reports that roughly fifty percent or more of all marriages end in divorce. Co-habitating relationships fail at similar rates. We expect same sex marriages to follow the same pattern statistically once enough time passes to gather the data over the next decade as well. Psychology Today reports that in 1990, fewer than one in 10 persons who got divorced was over the age of 50, while today one in four people getting divorced is 50 or older.

Since a certain amount of divorce is statistically inevitable, it is imperative we find better ways to facilitate the legal, financial, and emotional processing of a human experience through our civil systems. The emotional devastation that often occurs with the breakup of a relationship shouldn’t be a given. This is where Collaborative Practice lives.

Despite the jokes and eye-rolling over the term “conscious uncoupling,” actress Gwenyth Paltrow put her finger on a healthy modern attitude embodied within Collaborative Practice. Collaborative Practice is the process that provides a more respectful alternative to the destructive divorces we see too often when parties use the court system to end their marriage. Collaborative Practice is designed specifically around ways to minimize the hurt, the loss of self-esteem, the anger and the alienation that occurs in many traditional litigated divorces. It is also designed to support families in transition to take advantage of all of their healthy options and opportunities while building a better tomorrow.

The Collaborative Law approach is grounded upon making human dignity and respect a priority. Individuals may cease being partners, but they don’t cease being good people who deserve consideration. Nor do they cease being parents and part of a family unit after a divorce. Collaborative Practice has a firm grasp on this reality – When a divorce goes into a courtroom, the “winner take all” mentality inflicts damage and leaves pain in its wake, which takes a long time to heal at best, and may never heal at all at its worst. All of this ugliness takes place in a public forum, on the record and for all to see.

Every part of Collaborative Practice is intended to foster the respectful resolution of family problems. These intentions include open communication, interest based negotiations, solution focused negotiation, out-of-court settlement and no court divorce. When respect is given and received, self-esteem is likely to be preserved, making discussions more productive and a healthy and viable agreement more easily reached.

Collaborative Divorce allows the parties involved to find creative solutions that work for their unique situation, in a private and respectful setting. The parties are supported by a team who will help them learn the skills and techniques to work through problems and conflicts in a productive way. The future of the family is not determined by a judge who is a complete stranger to their circumstances.

The end of a marriage or relationship can be tragic in and of itself. Collaborative Practice believes that the process of divorcing shouldn’t cause or add to the pain and suffering, but rather should guide and support the clients and their children in achieving a respectful resolution of their issues, leading to a hopeful, healthy future.

Teamwork is the Key to Success in Collaborative Divorce

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by Dr. Carol Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Clients often wonder how working with a team of professionals will benefit them when moving forward with the Collaborative Process for their divorce. Even experienced practitioners sometimes fail to understand how all professionals on an interdisciplinary team can assist and support clients, even high-conflict clients, to become “Agreement Ready.”

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Carol Hughes, family law lawyer Diana L. Martinez, and financial specialist Cathleen Collinsworth offer recent findings from neuroscience showing how working in teams can assist clients resolve even their most difficult conflicts at the upcoming Collaborative Practice California (CP Cal) “Celebration XI” Conference in Redwood City, California April 29 – May 1.

Dr. Hughes says the training is designed for all practitioners who want to continue evolving their ability to assist clients with the powerful tools provided through the Collaborative Process. Participants will learn techniques for assisting clients:

  • Identify and develop the clients’ ‘Key Elements of Agreement’ that avoid being too specific or too vague and therefore of no value.
  • Identify and develop the clients’ ‘Questions To Be Answered’ relative to their ‘Key Elements of Agreement.’
  • Develop ‘Options for Resolution’ that are both individually and family-centric interest based.
  • Evaluate their ‘Options for Resolution’ and co-create their Agreements.
  • Develop the necessary skills to support their interdisciplinary professional team members in the Agreement Readiness process.

From the inception of a case, interdisciplinary teams of lawyers, neutral financial specialists, divorce coaches and neutral child specialists can employ tools and techniques to shift clients toward Agreement Readiness. By doing so, a team can save client costs and facilitate better outcomes through more durable divorce agreements for the entire family involved.

Presenters (left to right) Dr. Carol Hughes, Cathleen Collinsworth, and Diana L. Martinez of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.
Presenters (left to right) Dr. Carol Hughes, Cathleen Collinsworth, and Diana L. Martinez of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.

“Our goal in the end is to educate our prospective clients that the goal of the Collaborative Process is reaching a final agreement each party can ‘live with,’ one that provides clarity and substantive closure for each of them,” said Dr. Hughes. “The agreement must also reflect their values and goals, no one else’s including the professional team’s goals.”

Dr. Hughes said it is important for each Collaborative team member to develop the necessary skills to support their clients. But what is often forgotten is the importance of learning how to develop similar skills to provide support among the professional team members as they work together to move the Collaborative Divorce case through the Agreement Readiness process.

“Just as it is critically important for the team members to work together to support their clients, we need to work together to support each other and allow the unique value that each professional from the three disciplines brings to their Collaborative Divorce team to flourish,” said Dr. Hughes. “This helps us educate clients about the pivotal role of each member in facilitating cost effective outcomes and durable agreements.”