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Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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Thinking about Divorce? This Is What You Need to Know

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Perhaps you have already tried counseling. Sadly nothing has worked. One or both of you have decided on divorce.

If you decide to divorce the most important next decision you will make for your family is what process to choose.

Divorce has two tracks and they operate simultaneously. There is the Business Track and the Emotional Track. If the Emotional Track is not handled well it can easily knock the Business Track off course, create enormous damage to your family, including your children, as well as cost you more money and time.

The Business Track generally involves attorneys and financial specialists. The Emotional Track benefits from the expertise of a well trained and experienced Divorce Coach.

In most places, there are four ways to get divorced. Unfortunately, many people only know about two options.

  • Get an aggressive attorney and fight it out
  • Try to do it yourself.

These two choices above carry significant risks.

  • Trying to maneuver your way through a complex legal system without professional guidance can be costly.
  • Family Law can be confusing and it is easy to make mistakes.
  • Hiring lawyers to fight it out can become a war. There will be winners and losers in your family.
  • Fighting is expensive. When war starts it can expand beyond your expectations and control.
  • Losing can mean negative consequences for you and your children.
  • Even if you “win” the fight, research indicates that legal battles can create physical as well as emotional damage for every member of your family.

How You Can Have a Divorce without Wrecking Your Family and Your Finances

There are other ways to divorce that are focused on helping your family avoid the worst aspects of divorce. In family focused options it does not have to be a battle. If you have children, whether they are minors or adults, their interests and your ongoing relationships with them after the divorce are taken into consideration. Every member of your family benefits when your children are at the center of not in the middle of divorce.

There Are Four Ways to Get Divorced in California

1. Do-it-yourself – described above 

2. The adversarial approach. I call this “Combat Divorce.” Each person hires an attorney who represents him/her as if in a war. The emphasis is on winning which is defined as getting the most you can for yourself, no matter how much damage is done to either spouse or the children. As everyone knows, wars are always expensive and there are always innocent casualties. Another big surprise for people who pursue this approach is that instead of you deciding what happens to your children and whatever is left of your assets, the decisions are made by a Judge, who may never get to know either of you. Many people find this thought disturbing, especially when it comes to your children.

More Peaceful and Respectful Ways to Divorce

3. Mediation. For people who are seeking a more Peaceful Divorce, this is a useful approach. It can work well if you are both getting along well and both are equally comfortable with the decision to divorce. This approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. There are different ways to do this. One way is a team approach where an attorney who is also a trained mediator represents both people. Sometimes each person will also select their own consulting attorney to review the process. An especially helpful way to use a team mediation process is to include a Divorce Coach/Family Specialist, who as a family Communication Specialist, keeps the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart. A variation of this is that some couples prefer for each spouse/partner to have her/his own Divorce Coach instead of a Family Coach. By staying with the more peaceful approaches, you keep control.

4. Collaborative Divorce. As in mediation this approach gives you more control over the decisions that affect your family’s lives. Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals and Financial Specialists who all are trained in Collaborative Divorce and in Mediation compose the Professional Team. Each person has his/her own Collaborative Attorney. Each has their own Divorce Coach to help dampen down the fight and keep the inevitable emotional issues from blowing the process apart.. There is one Neutral Financial Specialist who makes sure that both people have adequate knowledge of the family’s finances. Both can then make informed consensual decisions. When there are children, the divorcing couple also chooses a Neutral Child Specialist This gives the clearest voice to your children’s needs and concerns. Parents keep the children in focus when making hard decisions during your divorce process. In these more peaceful approaches, you keep control. As with mediation, Collaborative Divorce keeps you and your family out of court and all of your private business stays private. 

How to Choose a Divorce Coach

It is important to consider their qualifications. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals provides you with specially trained Collaborative lawyers, mental health and financial professionals to educate, support and guide you in reaching balanced, respectful and lasting agreements.

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals requires that a Divorce Coach be a licensed mental health professional who also has specialized training and is experienced in working with families going though divorce.

Without those professional standards, there are no there is way to determine whether a person offering services is qualified because there are no official licensing or other official qualifications to qualify as a Certified Coach,

In California our State Affiliate to find a qualified Divorce Professional is https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/.

The Best Kept Secret to a Successful Collaborative Divorce: Utilizing Coaches, Child Specialists and Financial Neutrals to Focus on Interests and Manage Emotions

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

As family law collaborators and mediators, we know all too well how the emotional aspects of a divorce can threaten to derail what often begins as a stable and effective process toward a peaceful resolution of our clients’ family law disputes.

Clients come to us for help in resolving their family law matters with the hope and intention of staying out of court.  This is a laudable goal, and most everyone comes with the highest intention of achieving that goal.  But then, something quite predictable happens… and if we collaborative professionals are not ready for it, the entire process can be unexpectedly hijacked, thereby posing a threat to the successful outcome for our clients and their families.  The ‘something’ that invariably shows up is our clients’ deeply held emotions about the unraveling of their marriages, including all of the uncertainty and fear that accompany such momentous changes in a person’s life circumstances.  As we know, once strong emotions enter the picture, it is quite challenging to remain in option-creation and problem-solving mode during the collaborative or mediation process.  However, that is what we must do, relying effectively upon our best kept secret, the “neutrals”.

 

Who Are the Neutrals?

We refer to the “neutrals” as those members of the collaborative team that are exactly that — neutral.  They are not advocating for either client, but rather, they serve to facilitate the successful outcome of a collaborative divorce through their professional roles as: financial neutral, child specialist, or as a single coach for both clients.

 

Why So Many People?

We are often asked, “why do I need so many people in my collaborative process”?  Understandably, prospective clients new to the collaborative process are wary of paying “so many” different professionals on the collaborative team.  It soon becomes clear to our clients just how invaluable the neutrals are to the successful outcome of a collaborative divorce.  Because the effective use of neutrals often dictates the likelihood of success, they are indeed, the “best kept secret” of the collaborative process.

Most clients do not think twice about the necessity of employing and paying for a lawyer to advocate on their behalf in a divorce.  While we lawyers enjoy a vital role on the team, it is often the work of the neutrals that makes the difference between a successful outcome or one that falls short.  Why?  Because sometimes when clients get stuck in the mud over a challenging issue, their advocates get stuck right along with them.  While this is certainly not desired, it is not uncommon for an advocate to get caught up in the strong emotions of his or her client during the divorce process.  It often takes someone who is not advocating for either client to better explore and explain options for breaking an impasse so that the matter may continue to move forward.  In this way, the neutral can play an instrumental role to enable the clients to reach a mutually-satisfying resolution.

 

When and How Are the Neutrals Best Utilized?

Question: When is the best time to utilize the neutral professionals?  Answer: Early and often.  It is highly recommended that the neutral professionals be made part of the collaborative team at the commencement of collaborative process.  In this way, they show up at the “collaborative table” as equal members of the collaborative team along with the lawyers.  This pays dividends throughout the process as the neutrals are vested, from the outset, with no less credibility and gravitas than their legal counterparts.  This allows the clients to have confidence in the input of the neutrals from the very beginning.

Our neutral professionals fulfill a vital role when it comes to managing and overcoming the emotional obstacles presented in a divorce.  For example, where an impasse can arise over the amount of support or whether the couple should sell the family home, the financial neutral can often be the secret weapon in helping the couple to break the impasse.  Where a spouse can get bogged down in all of the emotion surrounding wanting to stay in the marital residence, the financial neutral can explain the numbers in such a way as to help a client to visualize whether staying in the home presents a viable option or not.  The input of the neutral is future-focused and geared toward helping to solve the problem, rather than in furtherance of any position.  The coach or child specialist operates in the same manner.  They bring credibility, option-creation and problem-solving to the table in a way that the clients can trust in their unbiased input, especially if the neutrals have been involved from the outset of the collaborative process.

 

Neutrals-The Secret to Success

As has been proven, the collaborative model works so well because all of the members of the collaborative team play a critical role in the success of the collaborative process.  We know that emotions can run high during a divorce.  We also know that emotions can get in the way of rationality, and the ability to access the cognitive areas of our brain, which is critical for effective problem-solving.  That is precisely why the use of neutrals is one of the best-kept secrets to success.  As impartial and unbiased members of the team, they are best-suited to help clients move past the emotion of a given impasse, and to focus on feasible options to obtain an optimal outcome for their families.

Horror Stories of the Delayed Divorce

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A recommended article written by Diana L. Martinez, Collaborative Attorney, Mediator, Lecturer & Trainer

“As we enter the holidays, many divorcing couples choose to put their divorce on hold, preferring to focus on more enjoyable aspects of the season.  Unfortunately, this can make for a horror movie later on.  Before you slow things down, understand the potential nightmare lurking behind delays in your divorce, and how you can create a safer way to give yourself a much needed respite this holiday season.”

Click the link below to read more:

https://www.hbplaw.com/blog/2019/10/horror-stories-of-the-delayed-divorce/

Seven Reasons to do a Collaborative Divorce

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We recommend the following article titled “Seven Reasons to do a Collaborative Divorce” by John Denny, Collaborative Divorce and Mediation Attorney.   John expresses some very important views on the subject of Collaborative Divorce in the Orange County Area.

You can read the entire article at:   https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com/seven-reasons-to-do-a-collaborative-divorce/

Self-Help Is Not The Best Remedy at Time of Divorce

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By LESLEE J. NEWMAN, Family Law Mediator & Collaborator

Today in Orange County, approximately 75+% of the couples who are seeking divorce or legal separation do not have attorneys, and most do not even seek any professional advice.  Most couples believe that by finding information on the Internet, they can represent themselves through some of the most important decisions they will ever make in their lives concerning money, property, and most importantly, their children.

Most people do not know that family law is one of the most complicated areas of California law and the court system is not designed for couples who do not know how to represent themselves before a judge.  If you have to put on evidence in the form of a court hearing or trial, the California Rules of Evidence apply.  Most of the time, the self-represented person cannot competently present their most important documents or statements into the court record for judges to consider in making their decisions.

There are so many self-represented people now going to court who do not know how to address a judge or to present their case.  They spend much more court time than necessary and have substantially slowed down court proceedings, and the court’s calendar.  It can now take as long as 4 to 5 months or more for a hearing to be set before a judge.  Thus, the court’s consideration of important issues like parenting of children, monetary support, or even having the right to put the family residence up for sale is substantially put on hold to the great detriment of the divorcing couple.

It is a no brainer that seeking professional legal help is a smart move, and attorneys who can help you avoid going to court altogether are indispensable.  Unfortunately, it is a well-kept secret that transitioning couples can stay out of court and settle all aspects of their divorce through mediation or collaborative divorce.

The costs of a collaborative divorce typically are a lot less expensive than litigation which before a judge in Orange County has an average cost of about $90,000 and could take more than a year to complete.  A mediated divorce is typically about $5,000 to $7,500, and can be completed in about 3 months depending on the complexity of the divorce.  Which path should you choose?

Experts Contribute to Best Practices at Collaborative Practice California Conference

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Orange County Collaborative Practice professionals will share their expertise with colleagues in April at the annual Collaborative Practice California Conference XII in Redondo Beach.

Members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County (CDSOC) are in demand as professional education panelists and seminar leaders throughout Fall 2017 due to their expertise and experience working with a diverse array of Orange County clients in the Collaborative approach to divorce.

“Many collaborative professionals are committed to continuing professional education in order to provide the best service to our clients,” said Dr. Carol Hughes, CDSOC member and workshop leader. “The annual conference of Collaborative Practice California is one venue for us to do this.

“We CDSOC members are honored to be contributing to the further growth of our Collaborative colleagues throughout the state. Ultimately, the reward is offering better options to clients who want to avoid the trauma, time and expense of a litigated divorce or other disputes,” added Dr. Hughes.

Collaborative Practice California presentations include:

Left to right: Cathleen Collinsworth, Carol Hughes, Bart Carey

Collaborative Family Lawyer and Mediator Bart Carey, Divorce Coach and Child Specialist Dr. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, and Financial Specialist Cathleen Collinsworth, CDFA™, MAFF™ will facilitate an advanced seminar titled “Grand Rounds for Collaborative Practitioners.”

The workshop format introduces the “Grand Rounds” concept used in the medical profession. A supervising physician-professor and small group of residents visit individual patients in their hospital rooms, diagnosing their symptoms and discussing together how best to help each patient through collaborative problem-solving.

In a similar way Bart, Carol and Cathleen will apply their expertise to analyze individual case challenges presented by participants. The team will “diagnose” and assess the symptoms and prescribe the best course of action.

As a result of the workshop, the attendees will learn how to analyze case challenges presented by their own clients, and then design and implement creative solutions on their behalf.

Collaborative family lawyer and mediator Diana L. Martinez will present a workshop on diversity and cultural issues in divorce.

Collaborative Family Lawyer and Mediator Diana L. Martinez, will co-present a seminar with other California Collaborative professionals discussing cultural competency in family law practice, “Becoming Culturally Competent and Ethically Responsible: Beyond Basics.” Professionals working with families going through divorce and separation need to increase awareness and skills to discern the complex aspects of culture, world views, and communication patterns of the families they interact with during the legal process.

Participants will also learn to identify sociopolitical aspects of racism, power and privilege, and how these may impact issues of trust and create barriers while navigating the legal process. Being able to empathize and navigate these challenges will lead to greater understanding of client needs and achieve a successful outcome without resorting to litigation.

Patrice Courteaum M.A., LMFT, Divorce Coach and Child Specialist

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Divorce Coach and Child Specialist Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT, will participate in a panel discussion about effective Collaborative Practice outreach in a digital age.

Orange County families who are considering a Collaborative approach to their divorce can be confident in the guidance and qualifications of CDSOC members, who not only uphold high standards in their personal practice, but who are called upon to help California’s Collaborative professionals develop the highest standards in this area of family and civil law.

CDSOC members are available to speak to groups of professionals and to any interested organization or program about the Collaborative Practice approach to solving dispute in family law matters or any civil dispute instead of resorting to time consuming, costly litigation that destroys ongoing relationships. Contact CDSOC at 949-266-0660.

Members Lend Expertise at Collaborative Divorce Education Institute 3-Day Training

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Experienced legal, financial, and mental health Collaborative Practitioners from Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County shared their expertise at the 2017 Three-Day Collaborative Divorce Interdisciplinary Team Training in January.  Through lectures, discussions, and group participation, the training team helped both new and experienced Collaborative Professionals to develop more skills and a new understanding of how to support and lead their clients to a successful resolution without resorting to litigation.

If you missed this year’s event, be sure mark your calendar for next year’s training in January 2018.

Scenes from the 2017 Collaborative Divorce Education Institute 3-Day Training at National University in Costa Mesa, California.
Scenes from the 2017 Collaborative Divorce Education Institute 3-Day Training at National University in Costa Mesa, California.

Resolve to Improve Your Practice in 2017: Attend CDEI Three-Day Interdisciplinary Team Training – Fundamentals and Beyond

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Resolve to improve your professional practice in 2017 by attending the Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County in cooperation with Collaborative Divorce Education Institute’s (CDEI) Interdisciplinary Team Training January 26-28, 2017 at National University in Costa Mesa, California.

As an intermediate or senior legal, financial, or mental health practitioner, which of the following are true at this stage of your career?

•    You are tired of the grind of litigation in divorce and civil litigation
•    You are tired of toxic personality clients only interested in going to war
•    You are tired of being the “middle man/woman” and the client’s only resource
•    You want to shift your practice orientation from litigation to collaboration, mediation or other out of court resolution processes
•    You want to spend more time working with motivated, quality clients
•    You want to dramatically reduce your receivables and your professional stress
•    You want to help your client put their personal, financial, and social goals at the forefront of their settlement process
•    You want to improve your listening, coaching, and assessment skills
•    You want to learn new ways to communicate with your clients and other professionals in a way that you can be heard and understood
•    You want to experience clients who value the outcomes of their settlement process choices
•    You want to focus on the end goals, manage emotions, and create independence
•    You want to teach clients problem-solving and coping skills
•    You want to preserve family relationships and lessen stressors
•    You want to renew your enthusiasm for your practice and your career

The Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County (CDSOC) in cooperation with Collaborative Divorce Education Institute’s (CDEI) Three Day Collaborative Interdisciplinary Team Training will provide intermediate to advanced training which will meet or exceed minimum membership requirements of most local collaborative law practice groups. It is also beneficial for practitioners who want to develop more skills and a new understanding of how to support, lead your client, and extend your professional skill toolbox by developing a deeper understanding of informed consent, providing you with best practice forms, and equipping you with the next generation thinking of how to lead clients to agreement readiness.

Whether or not you are interested in becoming a Collaborative Professional, this Three-Day Training will strengthen your skills in Alternative Dispute Resolution, which can help you even in a litigated divorce or civil matter to de-escalate conflict and offer new ways to approach negotiation and compromise.

Don’t miss out.  Seating is limited. For more information and to register, visit https://www.cdei.info/3daytraining.html

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County certifies this activity has been approved for MCLE credit by the State Bar of California in the amount of 19 hours.

We are awaiting approval from the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists for 19 CEU hours. We also anticipate CEUs will be available for Certified Divorce Financial Analysts.