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Mental Health

What is a Divorce Coach and Why Do I Need One?

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The Divorce Coach: A Vital Member of the Professional Collaborative Team

As has been proven, the collaborative model works so well because all of the members of the collaborative team play an equally-critical role in the success of the collaborative process. We know that emotions can run high during a divorce. We also know that emotions can get in the way of rational thinking, and the ability to access the cognitive areas of our brain, which is critical for effective problem-solving. Divorce Coaches are best-suited to help clients move past the emotion of a given impasse, and past the high emotions of the divorce itself, and to help clients focus on realistic options to obtain a more favorable outcome for their families.

What is the Role of a Divorce Coach?

A Divorce Coach is a licensed, mental health professional who has specialized training in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation. The Divorce Coach is a co-equal member of the clients’ Collaborative Divorce Team. In a full Collaborative Team, each spouse has a Divorce Coach. In some cases, clients choose to share one Divorce Coach to assist each of them through the collaborative divorce process or mediation.

The Divorce Coach helps clients translate goals into action. Of particular importance, they also assist in helping a client to understand his or her spouse’s views, and the impact of their own behavior on their spouse. This is critical in resolving impasses that often arise in the divorce process. The Divorce Coach helps the clients with their communication skills, and educates the clients about the impact of divorce on children. Additionally, the Divorce Coach assists clients in developing their mutual goals which serves to enhance their co-parenting relationship, both during and after divorce.

Divorce Coaches can be extremely helpful when there are emotionally-charged issues presented such as infidelity, emotional abuse, estrangement, alternative lifestyles, and substance abuse.

In addition, the Divorce Coaches assist clients in developing insight into their own emotions, actions and goals which helps clients not only during the divorce process, but well after the divorce has been concluded.

A Divorce Coach Is Not a Therapist

It is important to note that while a mental health professional who performs in the role of Divorce Coach may also have an active clinical therapy or counseling practice, that is NOT the role that he or she plays in a collaborative or mediated divorce. However, the expert training and breadth of experience that the Divorce Coach brings to the Collaborative Team redounds to the benefit of both the clients and the team in assisting with effective communication, development of ideas and creative approaches to problem-solving.

Why Do I Need a Divorce Coach?

Divorce Coaches perform a vital role when it comes to managing and overcoming the emotional obstacles presented in a divorce. They are particularly helpful in providing an environment for effective option-creation and problem-solving, especially at times when clients are bogged down by a challenging impasse. It is beyond valuable for clients to get a fresh perspective from the Divorce Coach, which then enables them to move on to more future-focused thinking, and ultimately on to resolution.

Not unexpectedly, the emotional aspects of a divorce often threaten to derail the peaceful resolution of a divorce. It is the Divorce Coach who is key in effectively assisting the clients with the deeply-held emotions that arise as a result of the end of a marriage, including all of the uncertainty and fear that accompany such momentous changes in a person’s life circumstances.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

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By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action.  However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me.  This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next.  Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.”  A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney.  The process that they choose can make all the difference.  The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust.  It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind.  Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this.  You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

Co-parenting during the Pandemic Brings Danger and Opportunity

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By Carol Hughes | Originally posted on www.collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

Separation and divorce are crises for families.  The COVID-19 pandemic adds another layer of crisis on co-parents and their children, who are already stressed.  The virus is endangering lives world-wide.  In record numbers, people are losing their jobs, their income, and their familial and social connections.

Those who still have their jobs are balancing working virtually from home, taking care of their non-school age children, helping their other children with online schooling, and worrying about the health and safety of their family, extended families, and friends.

If you and your co-parent have had a productive co-parenting relationship before the pandemic, you may be able to see an opportunity to work together and support each other and your children more than you have before.  Bruce Fredenburg, one of my colleagues, says that the children are the real wealth of the family.  With this in mind, you can become a more united team to preserve that wealth and ensure your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

A healthy co-parenting relationship is vital to your children’s physical and emotional health.

If you and your co-parent have a strained relationship, this time of crisis can exacerbate the contentiousness in your co-parenting relationship.  Research indicates that the higher the tension between co-parents, the more at risk their children are for difficulties coping with separation and divorce.  These children can suffer from irritability, sadness, excessive worry, anxiety, depression, acting-out behaviors, a decline in school performance, difficulty concentrating, headaches, body pain, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite or overeating, and regressive behaviors, for example, baby talk, bedwetting, and nightmares.

This crisis is an opportunity for you and your co-parent to focus on your number one priority – the safety and protection of your children’s emotional and physical well-being.

Be Flexible and Work Together.

Several years ago, I read a similar story in the book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate.  I was inspired to write the below to illustrate how co-parents can cooperate and create successful co-parenting relationships that will benefit their children.

Two co-parents were attending a co-parenting class.  There were ten pairs of co-parents in the class.  The facilitator instructed each pair of co-parents to sit together, facing each other, with their right elbows on the table.  “Grasp your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each co-parent will get one point every time the back of your co-parent’s right-hand touches the table.  The goal for each co-parent is to get as many points for himself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your other co-parent gets.  You will have one minute for this exercise.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, nine co-parent pairs struggled as each co-parent tried to physically force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  The tenth co-parent pair was the lone exception.  One co-parent immediately remembered the goal was to get as many points for herself as possible.  Following the facilitator’s directions, she kept her eyes closed and became indifferent to how many points her co-parent got.  Instead of trying to push her co-parent’s hand down to the table, she surprised him by immediately pulling his hand down to the table and giving him an easy point as the back of her hand touched the table.  She then quickly pushed his hand to the table, taking an easy point for herself.  Her co-parent immediately caught on.  Keeping their eyes closed and their right elbows on the table, they swung their clasped hands back and forth as many times as they could.

When the exercise concluded, each pair of co-parents reported to the group how many points each had earned.  No one had more than two points, except for the co-parent pair who had cooperated.  They had each earned more than ten points.

Despite the directions to the co-parents that they were partners and that they were to be indifferent to how many points their other co-parent got, the other nine co-parent pairs assumed that they were adversaries.  This assumption prevented them from earning as many points as they could have earned.

Which co-parenting pair in the above story do you want to be for your children and extended family?  What is the legacy you want to leave them about this time in their lives?  What do you want to role model for them about how you resolve conflict?

One Day This Pandemic Will Be Behind Us

The danger that the COVID-19 virus brings is undeniable.  The opportunity that it offers you is for you and your co-parent to join together for your children’s benefit and make your co-parenting relationship more cooperative than it was before the pandemic.

If you run into an unsolvable conflict with your co-parent, visit the below website of Collaborative Divorce California for professionals in your area who can help you co-create workable solutions:

https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com

 

Does COVID-19 Cause Divorce?

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By Leslee Newman, Family Law Attorney, CDSOC Member

The pandemic of COVID-19 has swept us up and dramatically changed the way we live in just a matter of weeks.  Our existence has become restricted, regulated, and different than we’ve ever known.  We have all become isolated in our own homes.  The freedom to come and go as we wish has been greatly altered.  We cannot go to restaurants, to our offices and work sites, and to many public places.  We cannot enter places of religious worship, attend lectures, professional meetings, go to the theater, to concerts, to movies, or even personally meet with friends.  And our children cannot go to school.  How traumatically sad for those students in the Class of 2020, graduating from high school and college.

With children now at home full-time, who cares for them, who teaches them, who keeps them busy, and prepares their meals?  We are all prisoners of the Covid pandemic, isolating ourselves to avoid this terrible, and often deadly disease, especially for mature and older adults.

And as we sacrifice and struggle to remain healthy, most of us are restricted from our work places, or worse, furloughed, laid off from work, or even permanently terminated.  Thus, without the expected household cash flow, how will we maintain our residences, and way of life?  How long can we hang on, even with some promised government assistance or unemployment checks?  If the disease doesn’t make you ill, the worry about paying the bills and trying to maintain a standard of living is enough to make you sick.

Although we have suffered many tragic events in the “golden state” due to diasastrous fire storms, and earthquakes, this silent pandemic is not limited to certain areas or neighborhoods.  It doesn’t respect boundaries, and will spread wherever it can.  All we can do is to isolate ourselves from carriers of this terrible disease.

How are families bearing through these troubled times?  Are spouses respecting one another, working more closely with one another?  Are spouses acting more lovingly to one another, with greater patience and understanding, or are they pebbling apart?  Are thoughts or threats of divorce making this crisis even more unbearable?

To make matters worse, courts are closed, with no cases to be heard right away.  No court orders or final judgments are being filed by the court.  What can be done?

Right now, we have no choice.  If divorce appears inevitable or necessary, it’s time to slow down, obtain information, and to carefully learn about the different options of divorce.

One of the most caring ways to do this is to learn how to stay out of court by utilizing a divorce process like mediation or a simplified collaborative divorce.  Not only are these methods faster, more respective and caring, but generally speaking, much less expensive than the traditional litigated divorce.

To learn more, contact Orange County collaborative professionals in your areas from the member’s page of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County.  Obtain information up front about better alternatives to divorce or separation from experienced legal, mental health, and financial professionals who are compassionate and experienced in their respective areas of divorce and separation.

No Drama Divorce… How to Manage Fear and Expectations in a Co-Mediated Divorce Process Using Collaboratively-Trained Professionals

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By Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT and Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

The ending of a marriage can be a minefield of emotions and reactions.  A “no drama” divorce helps to shift a mindset from pain and unrealistic expectations to one of managing emotions, learning better communication skills, and gathering information in order to reduce anxiety of divorcing spouses.

In our experience of working together in a co-mediation process, the goal is to reduce the drama by reducing fear, managing both spouse’s expectations, and setting a course for the couple to be able to successfully navigate.  We cannot overstate the value to clients of using well-trained collaborative professionals to help them manage the fear and emotion in order to achieve their best family-centered outcome.

While the legal professional is educating on the legal process and the issues presented, the mental health professional (divorce coach or child specialist) is gathering information from the spouses regarding their urgent issues and concerns, including any communication challenges.

Throughout this process, it is essential for the clients to be heard, and to feel that they have an equal voice in reaching a resolution.  Often during this process, clients learn a new way to communicate with one another.  If children are involved, the goal is to be able to communicate better to more effectively co-parent.  Children, regardless of age, can be affected positively by parents communicating more effectively, keeping the best interest of their children at heart.

The value added by working with highly-trained collaborative professionals allows for seamless communication, timely responses to interim issues, and for maintaining momentum toward a practical, family-focused resolution.  There is also value added by a mediation process that can be far more creative in its outcome than any court-imposed judgment.

A “no drama” divorce, i.e., the ending of a marriage, can also be a new beginning for the individuals going through it.  We, as professionals, are continually amazed at the transformation of clients who have grown through the divorce process.  We often witness a combination of compassion and practicality shown by the clients toward one another by the end of the process.  This transformation does not usually occur after a litigated divorce, which underscores the added benefits of utilizing collaborative professionals to resolve the parties’ matter outside of the court process.

“I Just Need to Win”… How Collaborative Professionals Can Help Shift the Paradigm

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By Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

Those of us of a certain age remember the immortal words of a successful football coach after whom the Super Bowl trophy was long ago named.

Vince Lombardi famously opined, “Winning isn’t everything… it’s the only thing.”  That’s a pithy and fitting philosophy for a coach to use to inspire his or her team to attain greater and greater success on the football field, but we collaborative divorce professionals know that it is not so useful when it is applied in the context of a divorcing couple.

It goes without saying that everybody wants to win.  No one wants to lose, regardless of the undertaking or the endeavor in which one is engaged.  We know intuitively from a very young age that winning is “good,” and that losing is “bad”.  We all want our team to win, and we become frustrated and sometimes angry, when our team loses.  We all know from following sports that when there is a winner, there is also a corresponding loser.

This concept of “winning” is ingrained in our being from an early age, and it has now saturated our culture.  We want winners, not losers when we choose employees, spouses, friends and professionals such as doctors and lawyers.

As a certified family law specialist who has litigated, and also mediated many divorces, it never ceases to amaze me when a spouse will say, “I just need to win.  You have to help me WIN!”

At such times I am compelled to ask, “What do you mean by “win” your divorce?” “What is a win?” “What does a win look like to you?”

Those of us who have dedicated our practice to helping couples finalize their divorces in a more peaceful manner, know that we can bring a much-needed paradigm shift at the beginning of their divorce process to better assist a family transitioning from one household into two separate households.

Our first challenge is often to help spouses understand at the outset that a divorce is not a zero-sum game in which there is one “winner” and one “loser”.  Given the near-automatic reflex to think in those terms, it can take some work to dispel that ill-fitting notion.  Yet, helping to shift the focus from that initial mindset of needing to “win” to one where a spouse can appreciate the benefit of achieving an outcome that is, instead, in the best interest of the family as a whole, cannot be overstated.

As we are well-trained to do, focusing on concerns that each may have rather than focusing on positions is likely to obtain a better outcome for the divorcing couple and their family.  We, as collaborative professionals can assist spouses to think slightly differently about this whole concept of “winning,” and to broaden their outlook to include the well-being of their entire family.

How do we help a couple create a “win/win” mindset based on a balanced outcome?

What if a “win” meant using the funds that would have been spent on contentious litigation to instead put toward the children’s education?

What if a “win” meant the ability to stay in the marital home for a period of time so that the children would not be displaced from their school and their friends?

What if a “win” meant that both parents could attend a child’s milestone events: recital, birthday, holidays, special occasion party, graduation or wedding without the child being forced to choose one parent’s attendance over the other?

What if a “win” meant that each spouse was able to move beyond the divorce with a positive outlook for his or her future?

The collaborative professionals have a unique opportunity to assist the transitioning couple to discard the mindset of divorce as a zero-sum game, and to embrace the concept of finding resolutions that are in the best interest of the whole family.

Mr. Lombardi’s familiar adage should rightfully be relegated to the football field, as it serves no useful purpose in helping couples to achieve a peaceful divorce that best meets the needs of their family.

January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, Child Specialist and Divorce Coach

 

“Children are like wet cement.  Everything that falls on them leaves an impression.”
~ Dr. Haim Ginott, World Renowned Child Psychologist

Often married adults include as one of their New Year’s resolutions that they are going to “start a new life” by filing for divorce.  For this reason, there is an increase in divorce filings in January.  This is why January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month.

When parents file for divorce, how does it affect their children?  It depends.

For decades, the research about children and divorce has indicated that children report that the news of their parents impending divorce and how their parents divorced made a lasting impression on them, even into their adulthood.  Most parents want to prevent emotional and psychological damage to their children during and after divorce, but they do not know how to do so.

Divorce is the number one stressor for adults, second only to the death of a loved one.  So, it is not surprising that divorcing parents find it difficult to be their best selves for the sake of their children.  In fact, research has found that due to the stress of divorce during and after divorce, parents’ ability to effectively parent their children is diminished.

Research also indicates that the number one predictor of children’s maladjustment during and after divorce is the level of conflict between their parents.  When parents are unable to model an amicable relationship with each other, are angry with each other, and engaged in the “battle” of divorce, their children are caught in the middle, drawn into taking sides, and they suffer.  Children do not have the capability to deal with such adult situations and lack the capacity to process the overwhelming emotions that arise in “win-lose” divorce.  How do parents become their best selves during such stressful times?

During divorce, parents typically fight about money and children.  One of my colleagues reminds parents that children are the true wealth of the family.  I believe that this is true, so for almost two decades, I have educated parents about a child-centered, respectful, out of court option for divorce called Collaborative Divorce, where parents learn how to work together rather than fight against each other.  Parents learn how to keep their children in the center rather than in the middle of their divorce.  They learn that it is crucial that their children feel safe and secure to love both parents.

Collaborative Divorce professional teams include a Child Specialist, who is the voice of the child.  Research indicates that, when children have a voice in their parents’ divorce process, talking with a professional who listen to them and educates them about this difficult family reorganization that they are experiencing, the children are better adjusted, the parents are better adjusted, and the parents’ agreements are more durable.  This is a win-win for parents and most importantly for their children.