Divorce and Anger

Out of every ending, there is a new beginning

September 16, 2020 By CDSOC

Intro: The sixth phase of grief for couples and families after divorce bring meaning and renewal.

By Hiram Rivera-Toro & Karen Shipley

Entering autumn is a time of goodbyes. Of saying farewell to summer and all the special memories the season brings: family get togethers, backyard Bar B Q’s, beach outings, and long road trips. September 22, 2020, however, marks the passage of a summer that never was: cancelled proms and graduation ceremonies, June weddings rescheduled, and sheltering at home instead of hanging out. COVID has rendered our lives unrecognizable as we come to realize there’s no going back to the way it was. The past is lost, and the future is uncertain.

Parents facing divorce is much like facing Autumn in the time of COVID. It produces “anticipatory anxiety”, that feeling of dread that accompanies unwelcome change. It is part of a painful divorce experience that, in many ways resembles the type of grief associated with tremendous trauma and loss. Professionals trained in the behavioral sciences identify this as the Grief Cycle (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD), which include five distinct emotions and thoughts: denial, anger, depression, bargaining (often experienced as wishful thinking, what if’s, and “only If I had . . .”), and acceptance. These five stages do not arrange themselves linearly. Any one stage can be revisited, or even cause an escapable trap. Ideally, however, a grieving person moves through the five stages until arriving at a sense of acceptance, strong enough to prompt moving on. However, individuals overwhelmed by the experience find themselves awash in negativity, with emotions endlessly cycling through all five stages of grief without resolution.

In truth there is little about divorce that can be described as anything but easy, but it does not have to be traumatic. It may be devastating, but it does not have to be destructive. It reshapes the family system, but it does not have to annihilate it. Exchanging the ideal of what was supposed to be for the reality of what is does not have to be perceived as a loss of dreams, an endless loop of grief and loss, but as an opportunity for a new beginning. David Kessler, grief expert and colleague of Dr. Kubler-Ross, understood grief as a six stage process, wherein the last step lifts us up and out of the grieving cycle to a place of resolution and inner peace, which he terms as “finding meaning” (Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, 2019). In turn, Tedeschi and Calhoun, in their book Trauma and Transformation (1995), took another look at Post Traumatic Stress as an opportunity for Post Traumatic Growth – a process by which individuals emerge from trauma stronger, better, built up rather than beaten down.

Navigating this process requires a focus that constructively steers the family toward a positive outcome. Your collaborative team draws from a bedrock principle grounded in the child’s perspective: Mom and Dad are, have been, and always will be Mom and Dad, and the role of parent, unlike the role of spouse, cannot be dissolved by a legal document. Even as the marriage you once had is drawing to a close your children’s development continues forward. As our colleagues, Bruce Fredenburg and Carol Hughes, say in their recently published book, “Home Will Never Be The Same Again”, 2020, this holds true at any age, and adults may be as affected by parents’ divorce as their younger counterparts.

The collaborative team works from the standpoint that parenting is really coparenting – it is a shared endeavor that joins two individuals in a common goal of raising secure, confident, and productive individuals. Even in the most ideal situation, where the external shape of the family unit remains relatively unchanged, coparenting is a challenge. But when the ideal is no more, and the family finds itself torn apart, effective coparenting is more necessary than ever. In the storm of uncertainty, it is the one immutable factor that children, as well as parents and extended family members can hold on to. In the spirit of this philosophy, the team assures that visitation schedules, financial agreements, residential arrangements take place in an environment of mutual respect rather than acrimony. And, as actions unfold on the principle of respect, you and your children will once again experience mother and father interacting as a team.

This is possible because the collaborative process teaches the importance of communicating to be understood, and hearing to understand the other parent. It teaches resolution in a peaceful manner. It teaches us that we don’t have to become entrenched in the negatives of divorce, but to focus on the positivity of new beginnings. So, we end with the title of this blog, “Out of every ending, there is a new beginning.”

7 Ways to Make a High Conflict Divorce Easier on Your Children

September 13, 2018 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, LCSW, LMFT, Divorce Coach, Co-Parenting Specialist

1. Recognize and Deal with Signs of Distress in Your Children.

Altered sleep or eating habits
Declining scholastic performance
Frequent, sudden or broad mood changes
Acting out with anger, aggression, or defiance
Withdrawal from family and friends
Lethargy or disinterest
Infantile or other regressive behavior
Becoming accident-prone
Excessive catering to parents, which may signal a child’s self-blame for the divorce

If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional. Also consider consulting with a divorce coach who can help improve communication with your children, and your ability to care for them during your divorce.

2. Step AWAY from the Buttons!

Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke each other’s anger. Use that knowledge to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases parental conflict increases the prospects for harm to your kids.

Also, use what you know about your quarrelsome co-parent to avoid confrontations. During any encounters with your spouse be careful not to convey disrespect in front of the children either by words or by body language.

3. Confirm Substantive Conversations with Your Co-Parent.

Confirming conversations in writing can make it more difficult) for your co-parent to claim that he/she had no knowledge of a parenting schedule change, or that you failed to share notice of a teacher’s meeting. A quick email or text can avoid many such “misunderstandings,” and save your kids the additional conflict such misunderstandings generate.

4. Include Sufficient Details in Any Agreements You Reach.

Avoid vague and unspecific language, which opens the door to confusion and misinterpretation.

5. Plan Ahead for Constructive Discussions with Your Co-Parent.

Avoid additional conflict and enhance your chances of productive discussions by leaving as little to chance as possible during discussions.

An example could be whether your son should go out for his high school football team. Your spouse argues the virtues of discipline and teamwork, but you are concerned about evidence of concussive brain injuries suffered by high school football players.

First, clearly define the scope of the discussion to the here and now. That will help prevent it from deteriorating into a blame game of past injustices, real or imagined. Take some time before the discussion to understand your spouse’s concerns. You may realize that your spouse is not just arguing to argue but genuinely believes that playing on the team would be good for your son.

During the discussion, use that understanding to help you address your spouse with empathy and respect. You might concede the benefits of discipline and teamwork but suggest another sport that offers them without as much health risk.

Once the discussion has reached its conclusion or is no longer productive, end it politely but firmly.

6. Reassure Your Children

Tell your kids obvious things that bear repeating: that you love them, that the divorce is not in any way their fault, and that you will be there to help them through it. Revisit those themes often. It may sound corny, but those messages are critical to your children.

7. Keep Your Kids off the Battlefield.

Don’t argue in front of the kids. The more directly children experience their parents’ high conflict, the worse off they are.

Don’t complain about, disparage or mock your co-parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else. This increases the anxiety that causes lasting emotional harm to children. Your conduct is the model for how your children will handle difficult situations they may encounter when they become parents.

Why Is Divorce So Stressful?

May 9, 2017 By CDSOC

by Dr. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“There are few blows to the human spirit so great as the loss of someone near and dear.” ~ John Bowlby, M.D.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale indicates that divorce is the second highest stressor for humans, second only to the death of a spouse. Why is divorce so stressful?

When we view divorce through the lens of British psychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s attachment theory, it helps us understand the reason why divorce is so stressful. Attachment theory states that we humans have a biological predisposition to form attachment bonds (strong emotional ties) with significant others to have a secure haven and safe base where we can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis.

We form these attachment bonds via our relationships with other human beings who are of primary importance to us. Indeed, Dr. Dan Siegel, Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA Medical School, states, “Relationships are the most important part of our having well-being in being human. It’s that simple. And it’s that important.”

From birth to death, throughout the human life cycle, attachment bonds ensure our safety, security and even survival, and these emotional ties are strong and enduring. It is understandable then that we humans tenaciously cling to our attachment bonds, both consciously and unconsciously. Divorce disrupts and often destroys one of the most significant and powerful attachment bonds that we adults form – the bond with our marriage partner, thus also threatening the feelings of safety, security and survival this attachment bond has ensured. As author Pat Conroy lamented, “The greatest fury comes from the wound where love once issued forth.”

The disruption and destruction of this powerful attachment marital bond become even more significant when we view each couple member’s psychological and physical health during and post divorce. In the least case divorce causes the disruption and restructuring of the marital attachment bond and in the severest case, it causes the severing of the marital attachment bond, resulting in the attachment needs of the couple members no longer being met. When this happens, the couple members have lost their secure haven and safe base where they can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis. They become more distressed and thus vulnerable to both physical and psychological stress, while at the same time being less able to deal with the stress and distress.

Researchers have consistently found that, except when compared to those in the most unhappy marriages, separated and divorced individuals suffer higher rates of physical and mental health concerns than married people in general, and often higher rates than widowed individuals. In contrast, researchers have found that those in the unhappiest marriages often feel a sense of relief and hopefulness that their future can be happier apart from their spouse.

“Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.” – Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances

The impact of divorce reaches far beyond the disruption, restructuring, and rupture of the marital attachment bond. Divorce affects relationships in every aspect of the couple’s lives – the relationships with their children, both minor and adult, with extended family members, friend and community support systems, both in the present time and into the future. As the author Pat Conroy wrote, “Divorce has many witnesses, many victims… Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

We know that grief is part of dealing with the excruciating loss that overwhelms us in death’s wake. Grief is our response to this loss. Divorce is the death of a marriage, the death of a couple or a family living together in one residence, often the death of extended family, friend, and community gatherings, the death of hopes, plans and dreams for the future. Grief is the invisible companion of divorce. Whether we are the one who is leaving the marriage, or the one being left, grief will be accompanying us on the journey called divorce.

Grief will also be the travel companion of our children, both minor and adult, our extended family members, and our friend and community support systems. This grief is inevitable. To many it is also invisible because most of us experiencing divorce, whether it is our divorce or the divorce of our parents, do not think of what we are experiencing as grief. We most often say that we are feeling shocked, angry, sad and powerless, all of which are feelings that arise during grief.

During separation and divorce, both members of the couple are experiencing significant losses. Yet both are often unaware of their invisible companion called grief.

It is common that the one leaving the marriage has already endured months and even years of agony, assessing whether to leave or stay. For the one leaving, the divorce grief process began many months ago as he or she began thinking about less contact with the children, extended family, friends and community, the loss of and even longing for the happier days of the marriage, the possible loss of the family home and financial security, and the loss of hopes, plans, and dreams. So, the one leaving has a head start in the grief cycle of divorce.

When the one leaving says, “I want a divorce,” the one being left is immediately catapulted into the grief cycle of divorce. Often the one being left swings topsy-turvy through feelings of shock, deep hurt, intense sadness, anger, even rage, love and longing for the spouse and grieving the same losses as the one who is leaving the marriage. All of these feelings are part of the grief cycle of divorce.

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” ~ Author unknown

Researchers have also found that even when adults have experienced such losses, physical and psychological disturbances, and grief, after a period of time most adults cope successfully with divorce.

How can you best ensure that you are one of the adults who successfully cope with divorce?

Acknowledge that you are experiencing an overwhelmingly stressful life event. Assess where you are in the divorce grief cycle. Ask for professional assistance. Work with a team of divorce professionals who are experienced in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation and who understand your needs as you move through this major life crisis. These divorce options are confidential, out-of-court, non-adversarial and respectful. They offer you the opportunity to identify your goals, interests and concerns and craft agreements that are both individual and family focused.

The Last Thing A Man Needs To Hear When He’s Going Through A Divorce

January 14, 2017 By CDSOC

by Diana L. Martinez Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator, Law and Mediation Office of Diana L. Martinez with Dr. Marvin Chapman, Collaborative Coach, LMFT

“Real men don’t cry,” right? BS!

I have represented many strong and successful men in divorces. The skill set which creates business success often does the opposite when seeking conflict resolution in a personal relationship.

Too often, men tend to handle negotiations in their divorce as they do in the boardroom. They become frustrated when their previously successful tactics do not work. Frustration often shows itself as anger, stubbornness, yelling, or complete withdrawal. The real obstacle to their successful divorce resolution is grief, or, rather, the failure to work through the grief.

Divorce is the second most traumatic event a person can experience, second only to the loss of a loved one. While there is plenty of information and support for women to work through the trauma of divorce, there is very little available to men. Why? Because “real men don’t cry.”

The reality: men do grieve the loss of their marriage, but their grief is expressed so differently it appears as aggression, arrogance, or as a complete lack of empathy to the untrained eye

To better understand what’s really influencing this behavior, we turned to Dr. Marvin Chapman, a military veteran, divorce coach and founder of United Fathers, for some answers.

When a man experiences the grief inherent in divorce, his stress comes from many sources. Some of them can include the following:

His role as provider and protector as he knows it is ending. Providing and protecting his family is now someone else’s business: the divorce court or perhaps a new partner. Either way, an overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfs many men.
He quickly realizes his role as a father, teacher, coach, and mentor to his child(ren) will soon be changing.
His self-esteem is challenged by allegations and accusations in papers filed with the divorce court, an entity he now sees as having intrusive control over his current and future life and livelihood.
He will quickly become overwhelmed by the legal process and requirements of going through the legal procedures totally and completely foreign to him, and therefore out of his control.
He sees his financial security threatened by legal fees, costs and expenses. Splitting one household into two households will cause extreme hardship and an expensive transition.
His status and standing in the community is changing, and not for the better unless he “fights it with all he’s got.” He must “win at all costs” if he wants to preserve what and who he is, or, at least, how he identifies himself.
He can’t show emotion and be weak. He must be strong, aggressive, and confrontational. Only weak men fall apart.

Most men do not see a divorce as the death of a relationship. They do not realize they are going through the grieving process. Men have no idea what to do with their feelings of pain, anguish, guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, and a complete sense of being overwhelmed.

Then along come well-meaning family, friends, co-workers and others who want us to “feel better” or at least not so “confused.” Their advice is the same today as it always has been: “Man up!”

What can a divorcing man do to work through the grief and be the man he needs to be, for himself and his children? Grief needs to be addressed with time, patience, honesty, congruency, and support from someone willing to walk beside a man without judgment. This one person can acknowledge the pain and the life changes to come. It can be anyone, as long as it allows the grieving person to cut through the macho façade and find a safe place to be himself.

Male military veterans often say they feel safer in combat than after they return to civilian life because they know their buddies in arms always have their back. Divorce can be very isolating. More than ever, a voice of support, not judgment, is needed.

As a Collaborative lawyer and mediator, I have worked with many men in high stress careers. They are tremendously successful professionally, often because of the resources supporting them, including co-workers, employers, and employees.

But such successful business men frequently struggle in resolving their divorces. When working with a divorce coach, my clients can rely on a support team to help resolve challenging and personal conflicts in a way that promotes faster healing and productive parenting relationships (with the children and the other parent). It allows them to be the men they want and need to be for themselves and their families.

Everyone needs someone who has their back during difficult times in their lives, not to carry us through hardship but to give us the focus, encouragement, and resolve to do it ourselves and to do it right. Your coach, your buddy in arms, has your back, to help you keep your eyes wide open, and help you be the man and/or father you want to be.

Men Speak A Different Divorce Language

September 29, 2016 By CDSOC

by Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD, LMFT, CFC

We generally understand that men and women take in information differently. Men are typically more visual and women are typically more verbal. Many times men and women speak different languages. Men have three primary areas of their lives which greatly influences their level of self-esteem and impacts their sense of well-being: work, home, and sex. For women, these areas are money, family, and intimacy. No overlap at all!

Ask a man to give his definition of money, family, and intimacy. Next, ask him to give his definition of work, home, and sex. You will find a significant difference between these two definitions. Men and women label these traits with different names, indicating just how differently we view them.

Divorce is all about these things: Work, home, family, money, sex and intimacy. Without speaking the same language, it’s no surprise men and women have so much trouble navigating marriage and divorce. So let’s take a closer look at these concepts based on my experience as a divorce coach working with many couples on these issues.

Work / Money

For most men, going to work is more than earning money. Work helps to define who we are. Our work is part of our identity. Our work directly impacts how we feel about ourselves. Our work significantly influences our level of life satisfaction, our sense of well-being. Our work provides us a level of both self-respect and respect from others. Having doubts? Check me out. Interview a recently unemployed man and observe his level of self-esteem, his sense of well-being, and his feeling of self-respect.

Home / Family

Most men receive a great deal of satisfaction in knowing they are not only providing a home, they are protecting their home for their family. Men have a healthy sense of pride in being able to provide for our family (food, shelter, and clothing). This satisfaction and pride translates into a greater sense of well-being and an increased level of self-esteem.

Sex / Intimacy

It has been said that for women, intimacy is a necessary prerequisite for sex. For men, it is generally accepted there is no necessary prerequisite for sex. For many women, intimacy leads to sex; for men, sex leads to intimacy. It would appear fair to say men and women not only view sex and intimacy differently, we actually act upon them from opposite directions. As with all relationship issues, the key to the issue of sex versus intimacy is the ability to have open, honest, nonjudgmental communication.

Men Need A Different Divorce Coach

When divorce coaching men, the coach must understand some of the general differences between men and women. Research has shown that men are far less inclined than women to enter therapy. However, there is a significant increase in the number of men who are willing to reach out and work with a divorce coach when they find themselves through into court during a litigated divorce. Hiring a coach has less stigma for men than entering therapy. Coaching is a more accepted activity.

In addition to gender differences, there are differences between age groups, socio-economic groups, and differences within and between cultural, racial, and ethnic groups. All of these groups have their own unique historical backgrounds, group rights and rituals, and group belief systems. An experienced divorce coach will take these issues into consideration when outlining a strategy of how best to meet the needs and necessities of their client entering into the family court system.

When men experience family court, they feel overwhelmed, confused, and threatened. They are threatened by a process and a system with control over their finances and their time with their children. They have no control and little if any input. A divorce coach needs to educate the man on what they are about to experience. They will need to have regular debriefings to process their emotions. Men gain confidence knowing they have the information and feedback from their coach throughout the confusing, frustrating, and stress-filled divorce process.

A divorce coach will set up a proactive plan of action to help the man move forward by teaching him how to emotionally let go of people not doing right by him, to include judges, opposing attorneys, the ex-spouse, over-reactive relatives, and under-informed friends, neighbors, and co-workers. A coach can help a man develop a positive attitude and a level of confidence in dealing with his own attorney.

An experienced coach will help the man keep his emotional issues from getting in the way of objective and logical decision-making, allowing him to think and act in a more centered and directive manner. Enlisting the man as an agent of positive change and requesting his input into all areas of the restructuring process allows the man to feel vested in the process, rather than simply standing by and watching the divorce process take on a life of its own.

When individuals experience the breakup of a relationship it many times includes a loss of trust and a shutdown in communication as a result. With men, this loss produces feelings of insecurity. Insecurities quickly produce feelings of resentment and blame. Feelings of resentment and blame sends men to a place of anger and sometimes rage. Men believe they know how to handle anger. We think we know how to either shut people up or force them away from us by showing verbal and behavioral anger.

Directing the natural anger into a balanced force is critical. During the divorce process, a man will be asked to think rationally, and with a level head. They will be told to get their emotions together. Men must think clearly during negotiations. They cannot and must not be clouded with angry thoughts about their spouse. Such anger results in irrational decision-making, resulting in bad outcomes for him and for his restructuring family.

Going through a divorce, especially a litigated divorce in family court, is the second most stressful event a person will experience, second only to the death of an immediate family member. Sorting through all of this without the benefit of a divorce coach help can be daunting at best, disastrous at worst. The services of a professional, skilled, and experienced divorce coach is well worth the investment.

Many men feel adrift without any support system or coping skills during a divorce.

A Different Set of Divorce Commandments

The right and wrong in a divorce is the same as the right and wrong in life: Being honest, congruent, just, and reasonable is right; being dishonest, incongruent, unjust, and unreasonable is wrong.

Fair is not a part of this process. What is fair for us will probably be considered unfair to our spouse. We need to leave the concept of fair out of our divorce equation.

We need to change what we need to change. We need to let go of those things over which we have no control, or no longer need, or that no longer fits with who we are becoming.

Forgiving someone is not about them. It is about us. When we forgive we release ourselves from our bondage of hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion.

When we change, others around us must inevitably change.

Like our life, our divorce will be different. We need to take outside advice as generalized information for reference purposes only. Misinformation from others is dangerous.

One of the best releases for stress is physical activity. If we are already physically active, we need to stay active. If we are not active, we need to start immediately.

Emotions and feelings are our body’s way of letting us know we are alive. Not right, not wrong, they just are. We either deal with our emotions and feelings on our terms, or we allow them to deal with us on their terms (usually through self-destructive behaviors).

Whether things are going all right or whether they are going all wrong, everything changes. Be prepared for the unexpected. Being prepared for change and the unexpected allows us to roll with the punches without being knocked out of the fight.

We must treat others as we want to be treated–with respect, patience, acceptance, and our understanding of unconditional love.

5 Steps to Overcome Divorce Anxiety

September 1, 2016 By CDSOC

Divorce can create anxiety in many ways. These tips can help you find ways to cope. Photo: Marinadel Castell, Creative Commons

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

Fear of an uncertain future can stop us from doing great things, and it can keep us holding onto things and habits that are hurting us. The majority of people occasionally wonder what the future will be like. Whether we will be happy, whether we will have enough money, whether we will be healthy. But when you are contemplating, going through, or coming out of divorce, your anxiety over the future can be overwhelming and unbearable.

For some, future fears are about their children: whether their children will cope with or forgive them for the divorce.

Others question whether they will adjust to living alone, have enough money, or meet someone special who they can share and enjoy life with.

Some are concerned about how family, friends, colleagues, business partners and others will react to the news and whether their relationship with them will change.

Finally, there are those who are still in grief, dealing with the loss and questioning whether the pain, stress, frustration, guilt, sadness or resentment will ever pass.

The common theme among them is the desire to know if they will be happy again. Some anxiety over an uncertain future is natural. But constantly thinking about it is draining and damaging..

Concerns are often based on “mights” — things which might or might not happen.

Left alone with your thoughts, you can feel exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed. Recognize that you don’t have to make all the decisions now. One by one you can address those decisions as they impact the uncertain future.

Before we enter into embracing the uncertain future, letting go of relationship baggage is an essential first step. Only after you free yourself from past bitterness, anger, and sadness can true peace of mind and happiness be achieved. After divorce, many still suffer unresolved frustration, disappointment and guilt with the way their marriage ended.

These thoughts can consume you. The stress, anxiety and tension you still feel can take a toll on your health, sleep patterns, and feelings of being constantly on edge. Divorce Coaching is one way of helping you to let go of the past so that you can move forward to deal with future uncertainty, enabling you to feel stronger, happier and more confident.

5 Steps to Embracing the Uncertain Future

Let go of expectations

When you expect things, you set yourself up for disappointment. You can take actions to influence your future, but you cannot control outcomes or others. If you expect the worst, then you can get trapped into a negative closed minded outlook that will prevent you from seeing and seizing opportunities. If you expect the best, and things don’t go exactly the way you wanted, you have to deal with this disappointment.

Instead of expecting the future to give or not give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience.

Create options for different possible outcomes

The hardest part of dealing with uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. This is how many clients feel. Until they know what the outcome of their divorce will be, such as their financial situation or even how they will feel living alone, they can’t makes plans about until they have more clarity. But they can create and plan for possible outcomes.

Try to make lists of options and their possible outcomes. For example, what would you do if you get more or less money than expected? Explore different housing options, and consider different parenting arrangements for your children.

To achieve peace of mind, it can be useful to list plans for different outcomes. Making rough plans can be reassuring and lessen anxiety. Many also find after talking it through with someone, uncertainty no longer played on their mind. So get together with a friend, family member or coach and talk through your options and outcomes.

Grow confident in your ability to handle any situation

Start by reminding yourself of difficult times in your life you survived and got through: a difficult childhood, bullying, a previous break up, challenging work situation or perhaps another major loss. The chances are at the time it seemed unbearable, but looking back you coped and got through it.

Another method to help with managing anxiety is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever that worst is, then ask yourself, “What could I do to cope if the worse did happen?” Or “How would I handle it?”

Become an observer and advisor

It is not the unknown that bothers some people. Everything in life is unknown, we all know this. But what bothers some folks most is finding themselves getting lost in a repetitive cycle of thoughts: about what may and may not happen in the future, rather than being able to just deal with it when it comes and not think about it all the time.

Try sharing every single thought with yourself. Then ask yourself what advice you would give a friend, family member or colleague who had the same thought. You may find yourself telling him or her not to be “ridiculous,” a pointless exercise or a waste of time thinking that way. Examining each and every minute detail of life can be exhausting! You gain perspective by becoming an observer and advisor to yourself. You can now use this to prevent getting wrapped up in your own thoughts.

Try this suggestion: write down, share, and where possible find humor in any escalating thoughts. Ask yourself. “If a friend or family member were facing this situation or having these thoughts, what advice would I give them?”

Manage and reduce stress effectively

Built up stress and anxiety affects breathing rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension and every organ in our bodies.

Finding a way to reduce stress, as well as letting go of that stress, is essential to maintaining a healthy life. When we go through a painful break up and divorce, this is particularly true. Different strategies work for different people. It could be a relaxing bath or massage, physical exercise, deep breathing, simple laughing or meditation.

One activity which helps some people de-stress is cooking. You may love creating and trying new dishes, as you find yourself switching off from everything else. Don’t buy into the lame excuse “It is pointless cooking for one.” It’s great fun experimenting! You can freeze almost anything. Cooking and giving food to others can be really rewarding. Plus, it’s an excuse to invite others over.

Find a healthy way of de-stressing, that works for you and do it regularly.

Let me close with words from a special prayer. Many people regardless of religious or cultural background and beliefs find them helpful in difficult times.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.