Divorce and Children

A Divorced Parent’s Holiday Gift Guide: Your Child’s Wish List

December 14, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

Holiday season is here again. If you are divorced with children, the season can be challenging as you attempt to coordinate two households and extended family, trying to meet everyone’s needs simultaneously. As you begin to review your child’s wish list for the season, there is something more precious every child wants that you won’t find in any store or even on Amazon.

It’s time with both parents during the holidays, the kind of quality time that helps your children feel reassured that while their parents might not be living together anymore, your relationship with your child remains the same.

If your child could write out their wish list for the things to make it easier, the list would look like this:

1. Help me shop for or make a gift for my other parent, if I’m not old enough to do it myself. It feels good when I can give you each gifts that you like.

2. Don’t make me feel guilty about the gift I got or what fun I had with each of you.

3. Let me celebrate family traditions that are fun and important to me. Don’t make me give them up because they’re inconvenient to you or interfere with the parenting plan schedule. People first!

4. Let me be free of drama, bickering, or fighting about holiday plan scheduling, or other details of the season.

5. Please remember that I’m not property to be divided up. I have my own needs and feelings about my family and the holidays.

6. Ask me what I might like to do with each of my parents during the holiday season that is special to me, and help make it happen.

7. Please avoid asking questions about what I did while I spent time with the other parent.

8. I don’t want to rush through opening my presents or eating a meal or visiting with relatives because I have to be at my other parent’s house. If all we’re doing is hurrying, the holidays will be ruined for me.

9. Support me making my own decisions about when I will be staying with each of you when I’m home from college so I don’t get stressed out about it when I ought to be studying for finals.

10. Please enjoy time with me while I’m with you rather than complaining that you didn’t get the exact times or amount of time with me that you wanted. There is no scorecard that keeps track of the amount of my love for you. Relax. Love me back. Let go of the details.

Wishing you and your family peace this holiday season.

The Honey Experiment: Can It Help Your Co-parenting Relationship?

November 30, 2016 By CDSOC

by Suanne I. Honey, Certified Family Law Specialist, Law Offices of Suanne I. Honey

Let me start this blog by letting you know I am a family-law attorney who, unfortunately, still litigates cases. I prefer the Collaborative Process for many reasons. This means I work with couples who at times can be very angry with each other.

This post, however, has to do with attitudes. A recent Facebook post keeps popping up frequently about a teacher of mentally challenged students. He started each school day telling each student compliments specific to that student. There were both expected and unexpected results with her experiment. Most impressive, the students began giving each other compliments and their academic grades improved.

Being a strong believer in the concept of positive energy spreading just as quickly as negative energy, I decided to start my own experiment. A few months ago I started asking my clients who are engaged in a high-conflict relationship with the other parent to give the other parent a compliment. Daily seems too often and rings of insincerity and ulterior motives. I requested once a week or if that was too onerous, once a month.

There is an old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And since my name is Honey, let’s call this The Honey Experiment.

Sometimes it is a real struggle to find something – really anything – to compliment. It could be as simple as “That pink shirt looked good on you,” to “I appreciate how you give each child individual attention.” The only requirement is that it be completely sincere. If it is just a chore, it will sound hollow and may be worse than saying nothing at all.

You can do this, too, no matter what the status of your relationship is, from loving to friendly to hostile. Find something you truly like about the other parent, be it physical or a character compliment. Just find something. Send a text or an email or even say it in person if you are comfortable doing so.

My sampling of clients are too small to have any scientific basis attached to the outcome, but I too was surprised at the early results. All of the clients I suggested do this agreed. Some followed through on a regular basis, some not so much.

What happened with each of those clients (even the ones who did not actually give the compliments) resulted in less calls to my office voicing complaints about the other parent. I suspect that this newly positive attitude among my clients (even those who did not give the compliments but who clearly gave it some thought) carried over to body language, to tonal qualities in their voice, and in facial expressions at parenting exchanges. It is difficult to be angry with someone who is nice to you. This is not a panacea, but there have been remarkable and noticeable changes in my clients.

Going through the stressors and pressures in a custody battle makes you forget the good qualities that you once appreciated in the other parent. Sometimes those qualities are so buried under bad conduct that it is difficult to dig them out. The compliment project is yielding benefits in their relationship with the ex-spouse or co-parent. Surprisingly, the biggest benefit seems to go to the person giving the compliment, not the one getting the compliment like you might expect. In addition, because the parents are happier, their children are happier, and this is something everyone wants to see.

You cannot give a compliment with expectations of getting one in return, because most likely that will not happen. More importantly it diminishes the point of the experiment. Give an honest, unsolicited compliment to the other parent regularly without expectations of any kind and pay attention to the changes in your life and in the lives of your children.

Isn’t The Honey Experiment worth trying? What have you got to lose? If you try it, post a message on our group’s Facebook page and let us know how it worked out for you. Or send me an email at honey@honeylaw.com

Your Six Different Divorce Alternatives

September 6, 2016 By CDSOC

by Leslee J. Newman, CFL-S, Family Law Attorney
Orange, California

1. Self-Representation (“Pro-Per”)

Both parties may consult with attorneys, but decide to represent themselves in or out of court. Both parties are ultimately responsible for the agreements and paperwork that goes to the court for filing including the final Judgment.

2. One-Party Representation

One party is represented by an attorney and the other is not. Generally, the party who has the attorney is responsible for drafting the paperwork, and the unrepresented spouse would get advice as to what he or she wants included in the final Judgment.

3. Both Spouses Have Representation

Both spouses have their own litigation counsel, and try to settle parts of the case through settlement discussion. If they are unable to settle some or all of the issues, the case goes to court for a judge to make the decisions for the spouses.

4. Mediation

Both spouses retain the same mediator who acts as their neutral facilitator and does not represent either party. Depending on the style of the mediator, and whether or not the mediator is an attorney, the spouses may have the benefit of being educated as to the law, available options, recommendations, and suggestions, etc. If the mediator is an attorney, there is the added advantage of accurate drafting of the court forms, and the Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage.

Because the mediator is a neutral party, the mediator encourages both spouses to consult and review the Judgment with other attorneys before signing. There is also a confidentiality privilege in the California Evidence Code, called the mediation privilege, which can help to protect the privacy of the mediation process. If the spouses are able to settle all of the issues of their case through mediation, they do not have any court appearances.

5. Collaborative Practice

The Collaborative Process features an integrated team of professionals. Each spouse retains their own Collaborative lawyer, and a divorce coach who is a mental health professional assisting with the communication, the emotion of the divorce, and helping to regulate the interaction between the parties. The neutral professionals on the team are a financial specialist (forensic or financial planner), and a child specialist, if there are minor children or adult children still living with the parents.

Through the Collaborative Process, the spouses and their professional team enter into a written agreement with the understanding that if the collaborative process breaks down before the entry of the Judgment or completion of the case, then the professional team, including the attorneys, are disqualified from going to court and continuing on the case. This process usually includes the privilege of confidentiality in the written stipulation to begin the collaborative case.

6. Cooperative Process

The cooperative process begins with an informal agreement between the spouses and their attorneys not to go to court, but to conduct settlement discussion and face to face meetings to settle the issues of the case. Unlike collaborative practice, however, the spouses and their attorneys are not disqualified from going to court if there are any issues that cannot be settled out of court.

Children Must Be Heard and Not Seen During a Divorce: The Advantages of the Child Specialist

August 11, 2016 By CDSOC

by Bart Carey, Family Law Attorney

Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

“Divorce is a different experience for children and adults because the children lose something that is fundamental to their development – the family structure. The family comprises the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages, from infancy into adolescence.” — “Second Chances: Men Women and Children a Decade After Divorce”

How many times have you taken your child through a divorce? Helped your child navigate an emotional and transitory life experience that is difficult and opaque for you? Successfully rebuilt the family structure in ways that support your child? And all at a time when you and your spouse are not on the same page.

When it comes to helping your child through a divorce, consider turning to a child specialist to get the best advice and counsel based on the advantages of their specialized education, training and experience.

Here are nine reasons why you should have a child specialist assist you through your divorce process:

It’s not therapy. No one is going to mess with your child. The child specialist’s role is to listen to you and your child and provide you with assistance with developing the best co-parenting plan to meet your child’s needs during and after the divorce transition process.
You don’t know what you don’t know. The child specialist can help you uncover and identify your children’s unspoken needs and concerns, so they can be acknowledged and addressed. A child specialist can help your child navigate the uncertainties of the family transition and illuminate deeper insights for you regarding all of your child’s needs and concerns.
Parents often disagree. Your child specialist works to increase parental consensus building by centering and keeping discussions focused on options that address the child’s needs and concerns.
The devil’s in the details. There are many intricacies to tailoring co-parenting plans to best serve your child an experienced child specialist understands. Your child specialist can educate and expand your knowledge of the ins and outs and the options available.
Children should be heard and not seen. A child is always ‘present’ in the room during negotiations. The child specialist gives your child an independent voice in the room and provides you as parents the insights you might otherwise miss.
You know what you know – until you know better. Your co-parenting plans will go much deeper and be more durable than simply laying out a ‘schedule,’ and you and your co-parent will share a deeper understanding of how the plan serves your child’s best interests.
Your child specialist is the child specialist so your Collaborative attorneys don’t have to be. The Collaborative child specialist is neutral in their relationship to a child’s parents and is only interested in your child’s long term well-being. Need we say more?
Parents become the experts. You learn and develop new and diverse co-parenting skills tailored to your new family structure and circumstances from an expert.
Tomorrow is just a day away. Your child specialist will be available post-divorce for consultation, on as needed basis, as kids grow up and the family changes with new relationships, new spouses, step children and blended families.
It’s all upside. There is no risk. All consultation is confidential, for your use only. You ultimately control decisions and neither the child specialist nor their work may be used in court now or in the future.

It’s not just about a schedule. Decisions about your child’s future have significant and lasting consequences. It’s time to consider your Collaborative child specialist as indispensable to your family’s divorce as your Collaborative attorney.

10 Best Reasons To Do Your Divorce Collaboratively

August 4, 2016 By CDSOC

by John R. Denny, Family Law Attorney Hittelman Strunk Law Group, LLP, Newport Beach, California

The team approach helps you get through the process without going to war.

You will work with a team of legal, financial, and mental health professionals who are specifically trained in the Collaborative Process. They agree to work with you to reach a settlement outside of court.

You make the decisions, not the judge.

In the Collaborative Process, the parties do not go to court. They resolve their differences through cooperative negotiation. Thus, all orders are made with both parties’ agreement.

The process is less expensive than a litigated divorce.

While all cases are different, studies show that a successful Collaborative case is less expensive than a litigated case, even one which settles before trial.

Coaches help you and your spouse learn to communicate in ways which can reduce the adversarial nature of the divorce.

In a full team Collaborative Divorce, each party will work with an assigned mental health professional acting as a coach. Among other things, the coach will assist the party to avoid the type of communication which will further divide the parties, and make settlement more costly and difficult.

Your children’s interests are taken into account, and brought forth through a neutral child specialist.

The child specialist’s role is to be the voice of your children at the Collaborative negotiation table. The child specialist speaks to the children at age-appropriate levels. This enables both parents to have a clearer perspective on what their children really think and feel.

More privacy – less of a court record.

Because you are not in court, your case does not become a public record. The only documents filed with the court are those absolutely necessary to make your agreement legal. You will not file declarations telling the world your private business.

You can avoid going to court.

Because Collaborative Divorces are processed outside of court, you will not be subject to court rules, except those necessary for the court to process your judgment. You will not have to give public testimony in court. You will not have to miss work, or other important functions, to attend court on a date which may be inconvenient for you. You can go as fast or slow as you choose, and not be subject to the delays which budget shortages increasingly cause in litigated divorce cases.

The process allows for more creative resolutions than the court is permitted to offer.

The court is bound by California statutes dictating what must be done in terms of property division, support, and custody. In a Collaborative Divorce, the parties are free (and assisted) to reach a result which uniquely fits their family.

You will acquire skills which will enable you to more effectively co-parent after the divorce.

The Collaborative Process requires the parties to work together in order to solve the issues in their divorce. Working together is a skill which many couples facing divorce have lost. It is exactly what they will need to do in order to effectively co-parent their children after divorce. Thus, going through the process helps the parties with the skills they will need post-divorce.

Result of a Collaborative Divorce: a better life after divorce.

There will be many events for the rest of your lives which a couple will both want to attend post-divorce without making it awkward for everyone else who is there. When you have children, these events include graduations, weddings, and grandchildren events.

Even when you do not have children, there are often overlaps in family and friends. Events with these people can be much less awkward when the divorce process itself has not driven the parties even further apart. This may be the best – and most lasting – reason to do your divorce collaboratively.

Collaborative Divorce Featured in Stu News Laguna

July 21, 2016 By CDSOC

The effect of divorce on children and the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce approach were recently featured in the community news publication Stu News Laguna. Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County member Patrice Courteau was interviewed and provided her insight and expertise on lessening the negative effects of divorce on children, particularly teenagers who are not always considered as vulnerable as younger children.

Read the entire interview at this link to the publication online.

Collaborative Divorce Patrice Courteau in Laguna News

Six Ways a Collaborative Divorce Supports Your Family Values

May 13, 2016 By CDSOC

by Bart Carey, Attorney/Mediator and Family Law Attorney
Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

Why do so many people behave so poorly when they separate and divorce? You know what I mean. As people choose to separate and divorce, as we get caught up in emotions and conflict, we say and do things that, in our everyday lives we’d never do or say.

Worse, this behavior is often condoned, counseled and/or supported by well-meaning family friends and even professionals. We fight for control or justification by speaking to and treating our children’s mother or father in ways we’d never condone under any other circumstance. We’d certainly never teach our children such behavior is acceptable, except they actually are learning from observing what we do.

This reality became personal for me when after a number of years as a litigator, I experienced my own divorce. I learned that divorce is not a legal process. It is a life experience.

As a life experience, I had to ask myself how I could square my own behavior with my values as a husband and father. Like many, I can’t say I was proud of everything I said and did.

A big part of the problem was the court process, which pitted parents against each other as adversaries in a win-lose fight while placing the decisions regarding their most precious treasures of their hearts in the hands of lawyers, judges and other professionals.

This experience launched me on a life and career changing journey: how to find, and offer my clients, a process that can be shaped to reflect their values:

A process in which spouses are supported and encouraged to work together, not against each other, to plan the family’s future while protecting their respective rights.
A process which allows the family to fashion a financial plan that provides for everyone’s needs yet still focuses upon the family’s goals and priorities.
A process which helps spouses address and manage their fears and emotions while still being able to choose to behave the way we would teach our children to behave, with respect and dignity for each individual.
A process that allows them to remain a family throughout and after the divorce process.
A process that supports and teaches co-parenting tools so they can better raise their children after transitioning to two households.
A process that supports parents to set a living example for their children of the values they have already worked hard to instill in them during the biggest crisis their family will likely ever face.

There is good news. Collaborative Divorce is that process. Review the information on this website for more information. The Collaborative Divorce process allows me to align my career with my personal values. You will find it a process which allows you to live up to your values.

Did I mention Collaborative Divorce can be easier on the pocketbook than a stressful, contentious litigated divorce, too?

Tips for Talking With Young Children About Your Upcoming Separation or Divorce

April 26, 2016 By CDSOC

by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Note: To avoid the clumsiness of using “child/children,” “children” is intentionally used throughout this article

It is clear you care about doing the best you can for your children through the separation and divorce process, because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths. You and your children will get through this difficult time.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare to talk with your minor children.

Agree on a time when you and your spouse can talk with your children together. Siblings need the support system they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they will have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them; for instance, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.

Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so that you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

Tell them that the two of you have decided to end your marriage and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you haven’t been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children this is NOT THEIR fault. Children often automatically assume responsibility for family issues.

Reassure your children you love them, you will always love them and you will always be their parents. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other any more. Children then think perhaps their parents could stop loving them one day as well. This unsettles them and the stable foundation having two loving parents provides.

Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you to show a united front to your children. This news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and feel they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Children often report they hate being put in this position and feel each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

Tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and you will always love them. Explain you will be amicable so you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, other family members or their friends. Explain your living situation (who is staying in the family home, etc.). Describe what will remain the same (school, activities, etc.). Assure them that they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.

Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes. If feasible, involve them at the appropriate time, for example, once you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make children feel guilty and angry at their other parent.

You are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand what you are sharing with them. Acknowledge the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, (how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy). Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history is being rewritten. They are losing their world.

Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs.

Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, your children may recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.

Assure your children this is a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage your children to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, to talk about your feelings.

Take advantage of the Child Specialist available to you and your children as part of the Collaborative Divorce process to give your children a safe, healthy outlet to express themselves and begin the journey toward a positive, happy future.