Divorce and Grief

Out of every ending, there is a new beginning

September 16, 2020 By CDSOC

Intro: The sixth phase of grief for couples and families after divorce bring meaning and renewal.

By Hiram Rivera-Toro & Karen Shipley

Entering autumn is a time of goodbyes. Of saying farewell to summer and all the special memories the season brings: family get togethers, backyard Bar B Q’s, beach outings, and long road trips. September 22, 2020, however, marks the passage of a summer that never was: cancelled proms and graduation ceremonies, June weddings rescheduled, and sheltering at home instead of hanging out. COVID has rendered our lives unrecognizable as we come to realize there’s no going back to the way it was. The past is lost, and the future is uncertain.

Parents facing divorce is much like facing Autumn in the time of COVID. It produces “anticipatory anxiety”, that feeling of dread that accompanies unwelcome change. It is part of a painful divorce experience that, in many ways resembles the type of grief associated with tremendous trauma and loss. Professionals trained in the behavioral sciences identify this as the Grief Cycle (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD), which include five distinct emotions and thoughts: denial, anger, depression, bargaining (often experienced as wishful thinking, what if’s, and “only If I had . . .”), and acceptance. These five stages do not arrange themselves linearly. Any one stage can be revisited, or even cause an escapable trap. Ideally, however, a grieving person moves through the five stages until arriving at a sense of acceptance, strong enough to prompt moving on. However, individuals overwhelmed by the experience find themselves awash in negativity, with emotions endlessly cycling through all five stages of grief without resolution.

In truth there is little about divorce that can be described as anything but easy, but it does not have to be traumatic. It may be devastating, but it does not have to be destructive. It reshapes the family system, but it does not have to annihilate it. Exchanging the ideal of what was supposed to be for the reality of what is does not have to be perceived as a loss of dreams, an endless loop of grief and loss, but as an opportunity for a new beginning. David Kessler, grief expert and colleague of Dr. Kubler-Ross, understood grief as a six stage process, wherein the last step lifts us up and out of the grieving cycle to a place of resolution and inner peace, which he terms as “finding meaning” (Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, 2019). In turn, Tedeschi and Calhoun, in their book Trauma and Transformation (1995), took another look at Post Traumatic Stress as an opportunity for Post Traumatic Growth – a process by which individuals emerge from trauma stronger, better, built up rather than beaten down.

Navigating this process requires a focus that constructively steers the family toward a positive outcome. Your collaborative team draws from a bedrock principle grounded in the child’s perspective: Mom and Dad are, have been, and always will be Mom and Dad, and the role of parent, unlike the role of spouse, cannot be dissolved by a legal document. Even as the marriage you once had is drawing to a close your children’s development continues forward. As our colleagues, Bruce Fredenburg and Carol Hughes, say in their recently published book, “Home Will Never Be The Same Again”, 2020, this holds true at any age, and adults may be as affected by parents’ divorce as their younger counterparts.

The collaborative team works from the standpoint that parenting is really coparenting – it is a shared endeavor that joins two individuals in a common goal of raising secure, confident, and productive individuals. Even in the most ideal situation, where the external shape of the family unit remains relatively unchanged, coparenting is a challenge. But when the ideal is no more, and the family finds itself torn apart, effective coparenting is more necessary than ever. In the storm of uncertainty, it is the one immutable factor that children, as well as parents and extended family members can hold on to. In the spirit of this philosophy, the team assures that visitation schedules, financial agreements, residential arrangements take place in an environment of mutual respect rather than acrimony. And, as actions unfold on the principle of respect, you and your children will once again experience mother and father interacting as a team.

This is possible because the collaborative process teaches the importance of communicating to be understood, and hearing to understand the other parent. It teaches resolution in a peaceful manner. It teaches us that we don’t have to become entrenched in the negatives of divorce, but to focus on the positivity of new beginnings. So, we end with the title of this blog, “Out of every ending, there is a new beginning.”

Why Is Divorce So Stressful?

May 9, 2017 By CDSOC

by Dr. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“There are few blows to the human spirit so great as the loss of someone near and dear.” ~ John Bowlby, M.D.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale indicates that divorce is the second highest stressor for humans, second only to the death of a spouse. Why is divorce so stressful?

When we view divorce through the lens of British psychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s attachment theory, it helps us understand the reason why divorce is so stressful. Attachment theory states that we humans have a biological predisposition to form attachment bonds (strong emotional ties) with significant others to have a secure haven and safe base where we can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis.

We form these attachment bonds via our relationships with other human beings who are of primary importance to us. Indeed, Dr. Dan Siegel, Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA Medical School, states, “Relationships are the most important part of our having well-being in being human. It’s that simple. And it’s that important.”

From birth to death, throughout the human life cycle, attachment bonds ensure our safety, security and even survival, and these emotional ties are strong and enduring. It is understandable then that we humans tenaciously cling to our attachment bonds, both consciously and unconsciously. Divorce disrupts and often destroys one of the most significant and powerful attachment bonds that we adults form – the bond with our marriage partner, thus also threatening the feelings of safety, security and survival this attachment bond has ensured. As author Pat Conroy lamented, “The greatest fury comes from the wound where love once issued forth.”

The disruption and destruction of this powerful attachment marital bond become even more significant when we view each couple member’s psychological and physical health during and post divorce. In the least case divorce causes the disruption and restructuring of the marital attachment bond and in the severest case, it causes the severing of the marital attachment bond, resulting in the attachment needs of the couple members no longer being met. When this happens, the couple members have lost their secure haven and safe base where they can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis. They become more distressed and thus vulnerable to both physical and psychological stress, while at the same time being less able to deal with the stress and distress.

Researchers have consistently found that, except when compared to those in the most unhappy marriages, separated and divorced individuals suffer higher rates of physical and mental health concerns than married people in general, and often higher rates than widowed individuals. In contrast, researchers have found that those in the unhappiest marriages often feel a sense of relief and hopefulness that their future can be happier apart from their spouse.

“Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.” – Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances

The impact of divorce reaches far beyond the disruption, restructuring, and rupture of the marital attachment bond. Divorce affects relationships in every aspect of the couple’s lives – the relationships with their children, both minor and adult, with extended family members, friend and community support systems, both in the present time and into the future. As the author Pat Conroy wrote, “Divorce has many witnesses, many victims… Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

We know that grief is part of dealing with the excruciating loss that overwhelms us in death’s wake. Grief is our response to this loss. Divorce is the death of a marriage, the death of a couple or a family living together in one residence, often the death of extended family, friend, and community gatherings, the death of hopes, plans and dreams for the future. Grief is the invisible companion of divorce. Whether we are the one who is leaving the marriage, or the one being left, grief will be accompanying us on the journey called divorce.

Grief will also be the travel companion of our children, both minor and adult, our extended family members, and our friend and community support systems. This grief is inevitable. To many it is also invisible because most of us experiencing divorce, whether it is our divorce or the divorce of our parents, do not think of what we are experiencing as grief. We most often say that we are feeling shocked, angry, sad and powerless, all of which are feelings that arise during grief.

During separation and divorce, both members of the couple are experiencing significant losses. Yet both are often unaware of their invisible companion called grief.

It is common that the one leaving the marriage has already endured months and even years of agony, assessing whether to leave or stay. For the one leaving, the divorce grief process began many months ago as he or she began thinking about less contact with the children, extended family, friends and community, the loss of and even longing for the happier days of the marriage, the possible loss of the family home and financial security, and the loss of hopes, plans, and dreams. So, the one leaving has a head start in the grief cycle of divorce.

When the one leaving says, “I want a divorce,” the one being left is immediately catapulted into the grief cycle of divorce. Often the one being left swings topsy-turvy through feelings of shock, deep hurt, intense sadness, anger, even rage, love and longing for the spouse and grieving the same losses as the one who is leaving the marriage. All of these feelings are part of the grief cycle of divorce.

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” ~ Author unknown

Researchers have also found that even when adults have experienced such losses, physical and psychological disturbances, and grief, after a period of time most adults cope successfully with divorce.

How can you best ensure that you are one of the adults who successfully cope with divorce?

Acknowledge that you are experiencing an overwhelmingly stressful life event. Assess where you are in the divorce grief cycle. Ask for professional assistance. Work with a team of divorce professionals who are experienced in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation and who understand your needs as you move through this major life crisis. These divorce options are confidential, out-of-court, non-adversarial and respectful. They offer you the opportunity to identify your goals, interests and concerns and craft agreements that are both individual and family focused.

The Last Thing A Man Needs To Hear When He’s Going Through A Divorce

January 14, 2017 By CDSOC

by Diana L. Martinez Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator, Law and Mediation Office of Diana L. Martinez with Dr. Marvin Chapman, Collaborative Coach, LMFT

“Real men don’t cry,” right? BS!

I have represented many strong and successful men in divorces. The skill set which creates business success often does the opposite when seeking conflict resolution in a personal relationship.

Too often, men tend to handle negotiations in their divorce as they do in the boardroom. They become frustrated when their previously successful tactics do not work. Frustration often shows itself as anger, stubbornness, yelling, or complete withdrawal. The real obstacle to their successful divorce resolution is grief, or, rather, the failure to work through the grief.

Divorce is the second most traumatic event a person can experience, second only to the loss of a loved one. While there is plenty of information and support for women to work through the trauma of divorce, there is very little available to men. Why? Because “real men don’t cry.”

The reality: men do grieve the loss of their marriage, but their grief is expressed so differently it appears as aggression, arrogance, or as a complete lack of empathy to the untrained eye

To better understand what’s really influencing this behavior, we turned to Dr. Marvin Chapman, a military veteran, divorce coach and founder of United Fathers, for some answers.

When a man experiences the grief inherent in divorce, his stress comes from many sources. Some of them can include the following:

His role as provider and protector as he knows it is ending. Providing and protecting his family is now someone else’s business: the divorce court or perhaps a new partner. Either way, an overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfs many men.
He quickly realizes his role as a father, teacher, coach, and mentor to his child(ren) will soon be changing.
His self-esteem is challenged by allegations and accusations in papers filed with the divorce court, an entity he now sees as having intrusive control over his current and future life and livelihood.
He will quickly become overwhelmed by the legal process and requirements of going through the legal procedures totally and completely foreign to him, and therefore out of his control.
He sees his financial security threatened by legal fees, costs and expenses. Splitting one household into two households will cause extreme hardship and an expensive transition.
His status and standing in the community is changing, and not for the better unless he “fights it with all he’s got.” He must “win at all costs” if he wants to preserve what and who he is, or, at least, how he identifies himself.
He can’t show emotion and be weak. He must be strong, aggressive, and confrontational. Only weak men fall apart.

Most men do not see a divorce as the death of a relationship. They do not realize they are going through the grieving process. Men have no idea what to do with their feelings of pain, anguish, guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, and a complete sense of being overwhelmed.

Then along come well-meaning family, friends, co-workers and others who want us to “feel better” or at least not so “confused.” Their advice is the same today as it always has been: “Man up!”

What can a divorcing man do to work through the grief and be the man he needs to be, for himself and his children? Grief needs to be addressed with time, patience, honesty, congruency, and support from someone willing to walk beside a man without judgment. This one person can acknowledge the pain and the life changes to come. It can be anyone, as long as it allows the grieving person to cut through the macho façade and find a safe place to be himself.

Male military veterans often say they feel safer in combat than after they return to civilian life because they know their buddies in arms always have their back. Divorce can be very isolating. More than ever, a voice of support, not judgment, is needed.

As a Collaborative lawyer and mediator, I have worked with many men in high stress careers. They are tremendously successful professionally, often because of the resources supporting them, including co-workers, employers, and employees.

But such successful business men frequently struggle in resolving their divorces. When working with a divorce coach, my clients can rely on a support team to help resolve challenging and personal conflicts in a way that promotes faster healing and productive parenting relationships (with the children and the other parent). It allows them to be the men they want and need to be for themselves and their families.

Everyone needs someone who has their back during difficult times in their lives, not to carry us through hardship but to give us the focus, encouragement, and resolve to do it ourselves and to do it right. Your coach, your buddy in arms, has your back, to help you keep your eyes wide open, and help you be the man and/or father you want to be.

5 Steps to Overcome Divorce Anxiety

September 1, 2016 By CDSOC

Divorce can create anxiety in many ways. These tips can help you find ways to cope. Photo: Marinadel Castell, Creative Commons

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

Fear of an uncertain future can stop us from doing great things, and it can keep us holding onto things and habits that are hurting us. The majority of people occasionally wonder what the future will be like. Whether we will be happy, whether we will have enough money, whether we will be healthy. But when you are contemplating, going through, or coming out of divorce, your anxiety over the future can be overwhelming and unbearable.

For some, future fears are about their children: whether their children will cope with or forgive them for the divorce.

Others question whether they will adjust to living alone, have enough money, or meet someone special who they can share and enjoy life with.

Some are concerned about how family, friends, colleagues, business partners and others will react to the news and whether their relationship with them will change.

Finally, there are those who are still in grief, dealing with the loss and questioning whether the pain, stress, frustration, guilt, sadness or resentment will ever pass.

The common theme among them is the desire to know if they will be happy again. Some anxiety over an uncertain future is natural. But constantly thinking about it is draining and damaging..

Concerns are often based on “mights” — things which might or might not happen.

Left alone with your thoughts, you can feel exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed. Recognize that you don’t have to make all the decisions now. One by one you can address those decisions as they impact the uncertain future.

Before we enter into embracing the uncertain future, letting go of relationship baggage is an essential first step. Only after you free yourself from past bitterness, anger, and sadness can true peace of mind and happiness be achieved. After divorce, many still suffer unresolved frustration, disappointment and guilt with the way their marriage ended.

These thoughts can consume you. The stress, anxiety and tension you still feel can take a toll on your health, sleep patterns, and feelings of being constantly on edge. Divorce Coaching is one way of helping you to let go of the past so that you can move forward to deal with future uncertainty, enabling you to feel stronger, happier and more confident.

5 Steps to Embracing the Uncertain Future

Let go of expectations

When you expect things, you set yourself up for disappointment. You can take actions to influence your future, but you cannot control outcomes or others. If you expect the worst, then you can get trapped into a negative closed minded outlook that will prevent you from seeing and seizing opportunities. If you expect the best, and things don’t go exactly the way you wanted, you have to deal with this disappointment.

Instead of expecting the future to give or not give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience.

Create options for different possible outcomes

The hardest part of dealing with uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. This is how many clients feel. Until they know what the outcome of their divorce will be, such as their financial situation or even how they will feel living alone, they can’t makes plans about until they have more clarity. But they can create and plan for possible outcomes.

Try to make lists of options and their possible outcomes. For example, what would you do if you get more or less money than expected? Explore different housing options, and consider different parenting arrangements for your children.

To achieve peace of mind, it can be useful to list plans for different outcomes. Making rough plans can be reassuring and lessen anxiety. Many also find after talking it through with someone, uncertainty no longer played on their mind. So get together with a friend, family member or coach and talk through your options and outcomes.

Grow confident in your ability to handle any situation

Start by reminding yourself of difficult times in your life you survived and got through: a difficult childhood, bullying, a previous break up, challenging work situation or perhaps another major loss. The chances are at the time it seemed unbearable, but looking back you coped and got through it.

Another method to help with managing anxiety is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever that worst is, then ask yourself, “What could I do to cope if the worse did happen?” Or “How would I handle it?”

Become an observer and advisor

It is not the unknown that bothers some people. Everything in life is unknown, we all know this. But what bothers some folks most is finding themselves getting lost in a repetitive cycle of thoughts: about what may and may not happen in the future, rather than being able to just deal with it when it comes and not think about it all the time.

Try sharing every single thought with yourself. Then ask yourself what advice you would give a friend, family member or colleague who had the same thought. You may find yourself telling him or her not to be “ridiculous,” a pointless exercise or a waste of time thinking that way. Examining each and every minute detail of life can be exhausting! You gain perspective by becoming an observer and advisor to yourself. You can now use this to prevent getting wrapped up in your own thoughts.

Try this suggestion: write down, share, and where possible find humor in any escalating thoughts. Ask yourself. “If a friend or family member were facing this situation or having these thoughts, what advice would I give them?”

Manage and reduce stress effectively

Built up stress and anxiety affects breathing rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension and every organ in our bodies.

Finding a way to reduce stress, as well as letting go of that stress, is essential to maintaining a healthy life. When we go through a painful break up and divorce, this is particularly true. Different strategies work for different people. It could be a relaxing bath or massage, physical exercise, deep breathing, simple laughing or meditation.

One activity which helps some people de-stress is cooking. You may love creating and trying new dishes, as you find yourself switching off from everything else. Don’t buy into the lame excuse “It is pointless cooking for one.” It’s great fun experimenting! You can freeze almost anything. Cooking and giving food to others can be really rewarding. Plus, it’s an excuse to invite others over.

Find a healthy way of de-stressing, that works for you and do it regularly.

Let me close with words from a special prayer. Many people regardless of religious or cultural background and beliefs find them helpful in difficult times.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.