Divorce and Parenting

How to Help Your Children During Separation and Divorce

September 14, 2018 By CDSOC

By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.”
~Marian Wright Edelman, Founder, Children’s Defense Fund

Research about the effects of divorce on children indicates that:

Each year, over 1 million American children experience the divorce of their parents.¹
Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems.²
Improving the relationships between parents and their children helps children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.³

Children are the innocent victims of divorce. Divorce ranks second only to the death of a loved one as life’s most stressful experiences.⁴ Litigation, which by definition is adversarial, can compound that stress exponentially due to the hostility it can engender and the exorbitant costs that parents can incur. “Combat divorce,” a common term for litigation, requires that each parent have the biggest battleship armed with the biggest guns, which take aim at the battleship of the other parent. Let’s remember that, no matter what else changes, each of these soon to be “ex-spouses” forever remains their child(ren)’s other parent. During the process of litigation, that obvious fact can become obscured in the harsh and adversarial language used to characterize the other spouse, thus making it almost impossible for each parent to think of the other parent as their child(ren)’s other parent and as a parent who possesses positive qualities.

So where are the children in this process? To continue the “combat divorce” metaphor, they are huddled together in a foxhole wondering what has happened to the family they once knew. As they tenaciously cling to each other in this bunker, they are shaking, fearing whether the next mortar will land in their foxhole or whiz over their heads. Will they lose one or both of their parents permanently? After all, it seems like it has been a short journey from their happy family with Mom and Dad playing with them in the park to the day when Dad or Mom moved out. They never imagined that one of their parents would not be with them in their home. Recently, they have overheard Mom and Dad fighting and talking about having to sell the house where they grew up and where they created so many happy memories. They hear Dad and Mom discussing that they may have to change schools. The thoughts are whirling through their minds: We will have to make new friends! We won’t be able to be on our same soccer team! What if we won’t be able to keep our doggie Duke and our kitty Miss Trouble because in our new rented house no pets will be allowed! Mom and Dad are so stressed. We can’t bother them with all these questions. We must be very good and very quiet, so they don’t have to worry about us too. We need to forget about how we feel and make sure Mom and Dad are ok.

The children have experienced so much uncertainty and unpredictability recently that on an unconscious level they realize that they cannot predict their future. Nothing seems certain. Life used to seem certain, but not any more. So much has changed in such a short time, it certainly seems possible to them that they could lose their mom or dad. Who will provide them with certainty, stability, and predictability?

“A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

When parents are in conflict, their children are in danger. On-going parental strife produces the single most negative impact on children for years into their future. Previously well-adjusted children can become at risk for both psychological and physical symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep disturbance, nausea, headaches, and the inability to focus and concentrate. These symptoms can subsequently cause a delay in children’s development. Difficulties in school academically, emotionally and socially can ensue. Adult children of divorce commonly report that they felt as though they lost their childhood during and after their parent’s divorce, because the toxicity of the “combat divorce” permeated every aspect of their lives, causing them to struggle with the symptoms described above and necessitating that they “grow up” before they were developmentally ready.

Just as wartime combat is a survival state, so combat divorce is an emotional, and sometimes even physical, survival state for children. Parents often need help in understanding this. They need help preventing their children from becoming the innocent casualties of their divorce. Research tells us that 80% of the issues of divorce are emotion-driven. While parents are in the midst of such emotional upheaval, even the most well-intentioned parents can become overwhelmed and lose sight of what is genuinely in their child(ren)’s best interest. Before, during and after divorce, parents and their children can benefit from the guidance and assistance of peacemaking professionals, who are focused on the well being of their family now and into the future. Most parents with minor children are going through divorce for the first time. While negotiating this extremely difficult life transition, they have no experience from which to draw.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation are confidential, no-court divorce options, which offer parents and children a peaceful, even transformative path for the restructuring of their family. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.⁵ Parents focus not on prevailing but on peacemaking, not on winning but on healing, because real winning means not wanting the other person to lose. No-court divorce offers divorcing parents the best possibility that they can share the joys of parenthood. Such sharing is one of the best gifts parents can give their children, because children feel and treasure their parents experiencing this joy. When divorcing parents learn how to prevent their children from being caught in the crossfire in the middle of a combat zone and put their children in the center of healthy interactions, their children can remain children. They are unburdened by adult concerns. They don’t have to worry about finances, how Mom and Dad are coping, fear of being loyal to one parent and not the other, being in an alliance with one parent against the other. being afraid to express their feelings for fear of hurting Dad or Mom or of having Mom or Dad be angry with them. When their life as they have known it is crumbling around them, children deserve to experience the benefits of no-court divorce.

Consider these two stories

The first story: Two divorced parents were called to an emergency scene at a lake to rescue their child who had had fallen into a lake. Rather than springing into action and coordinating the child’s rescue, they immediately began arguing about whose fault it was that the child had fallen into the lake. The child drowned.

The second story: (For ease of style, I use the generic pronoun “he” and its derivatives.) Two divorcing parents were attending a co-parenting training class. Ten pairs of parents were present in the class. The instructor gave the directions for the first exercise. “Sit down across from your partner and face each other, with your right elbows on the table. Grab your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go. Each parent will get one point every time the back of the other parent’s right hand touches the table. The goal for each parent is to get as many points for himself or herself as possible during the exercise. Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your partner gets. You will have one minute. Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, the pairs struggled as each parent tried by physical strength to force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table. With much effort and against the physical opposition of each partner, almost no one got more than a point or two. There was a single exception. Almost immediately, one parent remembered that his goal was to get as many points as he could for himself, and then he became utterly indifferent to how many points his partner got. Instead of pushing on his partner’s hand, he pulled it down to the table, gave his surprised partner a quick and easy point, took a quick point for himself, and then gave his partner another point. Without talking to or looking at each other, the two parents, with their elbows on the table, then swung their clasped hands harmoniously back and forth as rapidly as they could, thus collecting a large number of points for each of them.

Upon the conclusion of the exercise, each pair of parents reported to the group how many points each had collected. No one had more than three points, except for the parent pair who had cooperated, each of whom had earned more than twenty points.

Despite the directions to the parents, that used the word “partner” and despite the instructions that they were to be indifferent to how many points their partner collected, virtually all parent participants had assumed that they and the one with whom they were doing the exercise were adversaries. That adversarial assumption dominated their thinking and prevented them from getting as many points as they could have.

(Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, gave me the inspiration for this second story.)

A litigation attorney, tells me that when potential clients consult with her regarding retaining her for litigation, she educates them about the reasons clients should not consider litigation as an option to settle a dispute. She explains that, if they value the relationship with the persons against whom they are considering bringing the lawsuit, litigation is likely not their best choice.

Do you think your children want you, their parents, to value your relationship with each other, just as they value and love each of you? How will they feel most secure, knowing that their parents are partners or combatants? What will they learn from you if you are engaged in combat divorce? What will they learn from you if you model cooperative problem solving with integrity and mutual respect? Who “wins” when one of your children’s parents “loses?” What is the legacy you want to co-create for them?

“I was never ruined but twice – once when I lost a lawsuit, once when I won one.”
~Voltaire

Notes

Fagain, P., Rector, R. (2000). “The Effects of Divorce on America” The Heritage Foundation Background Executive Summary, No. 1373.

Kelly, J. B. (2005). “Developing beneficial parenting models for children following divorce.” Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers,19: 237-254.

Velez, C.E., Wolchick, S.A., Tein, J.Y., and Sandler, I. (2011). “Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: A longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes.” Child Development, 82 (1): 244-257.

Holmes, T, and Rahe, R., (1967) “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale.”
Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2): 213-218.

Shaw, L. (2010). “Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis.” Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27(4): 447-467.

Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist, a board-certified clinical hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist and a former professor of Human Services at Saddleback College. In private practice in Laguna Hills, CA, since 1983, Dr. Hughes is a respected expert and sought-after speaker on the effects of divorce on children. In 2003 she became one of the founding members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, and is also a co-founder of and trainer for the Collaborative Divorce Education Institute in Orange County, CA, a non-profit organization, whose mission is to educate the public about peaceful options for divorce, as well as to provide quality training for collaborative divorce professionals. She frequently trains and mentors collaborative practitioners and has appeared on the Time Warner Public television series “How to Get a Divorce”. Carol has been a presenter at conferences of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and at California’s annual statewide conferences for collaborative professionals. In 2011 Carol was honored with the Eureka Award, which recognizes those who have made significant contributions and demonstrated an abiding dedication to establishing and sustaining Collaborative Practice in California. For a complete listing of her collaborative practice training and teaching workshops please visit www.CollaborativePractice.com, the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and click on the “Locate a Collaborative Professional near you” link. In addition, please visit her website at www.DivorcePeacemaking.com and www.CDEI.info.

Mom and Dad, Here’s What I Need During Your Divorce

February 27, 2017 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the idea of their parents splitting up.

As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability at home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be easy, but these tips can help your children cope.

A Child’s Wish List During Their Parents’ Divorce

I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please communicate with me. Make phone calls, send texts and ask me lots of questions, but respect my right not to answer all the time. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
Please stop fighting and try hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on things that have to do with me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
I love you both and want to enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and my separate time with each of you. If you act jealous or upset when I am with my other parent, I feel like I need to take sides and love one of you more than the other.
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. I don’t want to be your messenger.
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
Please remember I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Please choose not to be another one of my problems!

It’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your kids the right kind of support through your divorce. It may feel like uncharted waters, but you can successfully navigate this uncertain time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

Your patience, reassurance, and a listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, it reminds them they can count on you for stability, structure, and care.

As you establish a working relationship with your co-parent, you help your kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. During this transitional time, you can’t be without some feelings of uncertainty and stress yourself, but you can greatly reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. Put them at the center of your interests – not in the middle of your battlefield.

The Last Thing A Man Needs To Hear When He’s Going Through A Divorce

January 14, 2017 By CDSOC

by Diana L. Martinez Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator, Law and Mediation Office of Diana L. Martinez with Dr. Marvin Chapman, Collaborative Coach, LMFT

“Real men don’t cry,” right? BS!

I have represented many strong and successful men in divorces. The skill set which creates business success often does the opposite when seeking conflict resolution in a personal relationship.

Too often, men tend to handle negotiations in their divorce as they do in the boardroom. They become frustrated when their previously successful tactics do not work. Frustration often shows itself as anger, stubbornness, yelling, or complete withdrawal. The real obstacle to their successful divorce resolution is grief, or, rather, the failure to work through the grief.

Divorce is the second most traumatic event a person can experience, second only to the loss of a loved one. While there is plenty of information and support for women to work through the trauma of divorce, there is very little available to men. Why? Because “real men don’t cry.”

The reality: men do grieve the loss of their marriage, but their grief is expressed so differently it appears as aggression, arrogance, or as a complete lack of empathy to the untrained eye

To better understand what’s really influencing this behavior, we turned to Dr. Marvin Chapman, a military veteran, divorce coach and founder of United Fathers, for some answers.

When a man experiences the grief inherent in divorce, his stress comes from many sources. Some of them can include the following:

His role as provider and protector as he knows it is ending. Providing and protecting his family is now someone else’s business: the divorce court or perhaps a new partner. Either way, an overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfs many men.
He quickly realizes his role as a father, teacher, coach, and mentor to his child(ren) will soon be changing.
His self-esteem is challenged by allegations and accusations in papers filed with the divorce court, an entity he now sees as having intrusive control over his current and future life and livelihood.
He will quickly become overwhelmed by the legal process and requirements of going through the legal procedures totally and completely foreign to him, and therefore out of his control.
He sees his financial security threatened by legal fees, costs and expenses. Splitting one household into two households will cause extreme hardship and an expensive transition.
His status and standing in the community is changing, and not for the better unless he “fights it with all he’s got.” He must “win at all costs” if he wants to preserve what and who he is, or, at least, how he identifies himself.
He can’t show emotion and be weak. He must be strong, aggressive, and confrontational. Only weak men fall apart.

Most men do not see a divorce as the death of a relationship. They do not realize they are going through the grieving process. Men have no idea what to do with their feelings of pain, anguish, guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, and a complete sense of being overwhelmed.

Then along come well-meaning family, friends, co-workers and others who want us to “feel better” or at least not so “confused.” Their advice is the same today as it always has been: “Man up!”

What can a divorcing man do to work through the grief and be the man he needs to be, for himself and his children? Grief needs to be addressed with time, patience, honesty, congruency, and support from someone willing to walk beside a man without judgment. This one person can acknowledge the pain and the life changes to come. It can be anyone, as long as it allows the grieving person to cut through the macho façade and find a safe place to be himself.

Male military veterans often say they feel safer in combat than after they return to civilian life because they know their buddies in arms always have their back. Divorce can be very isolating. More than ever, a voice of support, not judgment, is needed.

As a Collaborative lawyer and mediator, I have worked with many men in high stress careers. They are tremendously successful professionally, often because of the resources supporting them, including co-workers, employers, and employees.

But such successful business men frequently struggle in resolving their divorces. When working with a divorce coach, my clients can rely on a support team to help resolve challenging and personal conflicts in a way that promotes faster healing and productive parenting relationships (with the children and the other parent). It allows them to be the men they want and need to be for themselves and their families.

Everyone needs someone who has their back during difficult times in their lives, not to carry us through hardship but to give us the focus, encouragement, and resolve to do it ourselves and to do it right. Your coach, your buddy in arms, has your back, to help you keep your eyes wide open, and help you be the man and/or father you want to be.

A Divorced Parent’s Holiday Gift Guide: Your Child’s Wish List

December 14, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

Holiday season is here again. If you are divorced with children, the season can be challenging as you attempt to coordinate two households and extended family, trying to meet everyone’s needs simultaneously. As you begin to review your child’s wish list for the season, there is something more precious every child wants that you won’t find in any store or even on Amazon.

It’s time with both parents during the holidays, the kind of quality time that helps your children feel reassured that while their parents might not be living together anymore, your relationship with your child remains the same.

If your child could write out their wish list for the things to make it easier, the list would look like this:

1. Help me shop for or make a gift for my other parent, if I’m not old enough to do it myself. It feels good when I can give you each gifts that you like.

2. Don’t make me feel guilty about the gift I got or what fun I had with each of you.

3. Let me celebrate family traditions that are fun and important to me. Don’t make me give them up because they’re inconvenient to you or interfere with the parenting plan schedule. People first!

4. Let me be free of drama, bickering, or fighting about holiday plan scheduling, or other details of the season.

5. Please remember that I’m not property to be divided up. I have my own needs and feelings about my family and the holidays.

6. Ask me what I might like to do with each of my parents during the holiday season that is special to me, and help make it happen.

7. Please avoid asking questions about what I did while I spent time with the other parent.

8. I don’t want to rush through opening my presents or eating a meal or visiting with relatives because I have to be at my other parent’s house. If all we’re doing is hurrying, the holidays will be ruined for me.

9. Support me making my own decisions about when I will be staying with each of you when I’m home from college so I don’t get stressed out about it when I ought to be studying for finals.

10. Please enjoy time with me while I’m with you rather than complaining that you didn’t get the exact times or amount of time with me that you wanted. There is no scorecard that keeps track of the amount of my love for you. Relax. Love me back. Let go of the details.

Wishing you and your family peace this holiday season.

The Honey Experiment: Can It Help Your Co-parenting Relationship?

November 30, 2016 By CDSOC

by Suanne I. Honey, Certified Family Law Specialist, Law Offices of Suanne I. Honey

Let me start this blog by letting you know I am a family-law attorney who, unfortunately, still litigates cases. I prefer the Collaborative Process for many reasons. This means I work with couples who at times can be very angry with each other.

This post, however, has to do with attitudes. A recent Facebook post keeps popping up frequently about a teacher of mentally challenged students. He started each school day telling each student compliments specific to that student. There were both expected and unexpected results with her experiment. Most impressive, the students began giving each other compliments and their academic grades improved.

Being a strong believer in the concept of positive energy spreading just as quickly as negative energy, I decided to start my own experiment. A few months ago I started asking my clients who are engaged in a high-conflict relationship with the other parent to give the other parent a compliment. Daily seems too often and rings of insincerity and ulterior motives. I requested once a week or if that was too onerous, once a month.

There is an old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And since my name is Honey, let’s call this The Honey Experiment.

Sometimes it is a real struggle to find something – really anything – to compliment. It could be as simple as “That pink shirt looked good on you,” to “I appreciate how you give each child individual attention.” The only requirement is that it be completely sincere. If it is just a chore, it will sound hollow and may be worse than saying nothing at all.

You can do this, too, no matter what the status of your relationship is, from loving to friendly to hostile. Find something you truly like about the other parent, be it physical or a character compliment. Just find something. Send a text or an email or even say it in person if you are comfortable doing so.

My sampling of clients are too small to have any scientific basis attached to the outcome, but I too was surprised at the early results. All of the clients I suggested do this agreed. Some followed through on a regular basis, some not so much.

What happened with each of those clients (even the ones who did not actually give the compliments) resulted in less calls to my office voicing complaints about the other parent. I suspect that this newly positive attitude among my clients (even those who did not give the compliments but who clearly gave it some thought) carried over to body language, to tonal qualities in their voice, and in facial expressions at parenting exchanges. It is difficult to be angry with someone who is nice to you. This is not a panacea, but there have been remarkable and noticeable changes in my clients.

Going through the stressors and pressures in a custody battle makes you forget the good qualities that you once appreciated in the other parent. Sometimes those qualities are so buried under bad conduct that it is difficult to dig them out. The compliment project is yielding benefits in their relationship with the ex-spouse or co-parent. Surprisingly, the biggest benefit seems to go to the person giving the compliment, not the one getting the compliment like you might expect. In addition, because the parents are happier, their children are happier, and this is something everyone wants to see.

You cannot give a compliment with expectations of getting one in return, because most likely that will not happen. More importantly it diminishes the point of the experiment. Give an honest, unsolicited compliment to the other parent regularly without expectations of any kind and pay attention to the changes in your life and in the lives of your children.

Isn’t The Honey Experiment worth trying? What have you got to lose? If you try it, post a message on our group’s Facebook page and let us know how it worked out for you. Or send me an email at honey@honeylaw.com

Carol Hughes: Advice About Divorce and Adult Children

November 29, 2016 By CDSOC

Psychotherapist, Divorce Coach, Child Specialist, and Mediator Dr. Carol Hughes was recently featured on the website Bottom Line Inc., in the article “What To Do When Your Parents Divorce – And You’re Already a Grown Up.”

With the holidays ahead, Dr. Hughes explains what the adult children of divorced or divorcing parents need to know to respond to common situations, including:

Feelings of abandonment are normal, even for adult children

Divorcing parents may lean on adult children for support, and why it can hurt your OWN marriage

Divorce parents may battle each other through their adult children, causing conflict between parent and child, or among siblings

Old holiday traditions may be broken; consider establishing new holiday traditions

It’s normal and it’s OK to feel relieved about your parents’ divorce

Four ways divorcing parents can limit the fallout from their divorce for their adult children

The website Bottom Line provides wellness and wealth advice from experts, including Dr. Hughes. Its approach offers “useful, expert, actionable information to help you navigate your world, saving time and money along the way.”

Read the entire article at this link.

Men Speak A Different Divorce Language

September 29, 2016 By CDSOC

by Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD, LMFT, CFC

We generally understand that men and women take in information differently. Men are typically more visual and women are typically more verbal. Many times men and women speak different languages. Men have three primary areas of their lives which greatly influences their level of self-esteem and impacts their sense of well-being: work, home, and sex. For women, these areas are money, family, and intimacy. No overlap at all!

Ask a man to give his definition of money, family, and intimacy. Next, ask him to give his definition of work, home, and sex. You will find a significant difference between these two definitions. Men and women label these traits with different names, indicating just how differently we view them.

Divorce is all about these things: Work, home, family, money, sex and intimacy. Without speaking the same language, it’s no surprise men and women have so much trouble navigating marriage and divorce. So let’s take a closer look at these concepts based on my experience as a divorce coach working with many couples on these issues.

Work / Money

For most men, going to work is more than earning money. Work helps to define who we are. Our work is part of our identity. Our work directly impacts how we feel about ourselves. Our work significantly influences our level of life satisfaction, our sense of well-being. Our work provides us a level of both self-respect and respect from others. Having doubts? Check me out. Interview a recently unemployed man and observe his level of self-esteem, his sense of well-being, and his feeling of self-respect.

Home / Family

Most men receive a great deal of satisfaction in knowing they are not only providing a home, they are protecting their home for their family. Men have a healthy sense of pride in being able to provide for our family (food, shelter, and clothing). This satisfaction and pride translates into a greater sense of well-being and an increased level of self-esteem.

Sex / Intimacy

It has been said that for women, intimacy is a necessary prerequisite for sex. For men, it is generally accepted there is no necessary prerequisite for sex. For many women, intimacy leads to sex; for men, sex leads to intimacy. It would appear fair to say men and women not only view sex and intimacy differently, we actually act upon them from opposite directions. As with all relationship issues, the key to the issue of sex versus intimacy is the ability to have open, honest, nonjudgmental communication.

Men Need A Different Divorce Coach

When divorce coaching men, the coach must understand some of the general differences between men and women. Research has shown that men are far less inclined than women to enter therapy. However, there is a significant increase in the number of men who are willing to reach out and work with a divorce coach when they find themselves through into court during a litigated divorce. Hiring a coach has less stigma for men than entering therapy. Coaching is a more accepted activity.

In addition to gender differences, there are differences between age groups, socio-economic groups, and differences within and between cultural, racial, and ethnic groups. All of these groups have their own unique historical backgrounds, group rights and rituals, and group belief systems. An experienced divorce coach will take these issues into consideration when outlining a strategy of how best to meet the needs and necessities of their client entering into the family court system.

When men experience family court, they feel overwhelmed, confused, and threatened. They are threatened by a process and a system with control over their finances and their time with their children. They have no control and little if any input. A divorce coach needs to educate the man on what they are about to experience. They will need to have regular debriefings to process their emotions. Men gain confidence knowing they have the information and feedback from their coach throughout the confusing, frustrating, and stress-filled divorce process.

A divorce coach will set up a proactive plan of action to help the man move forward by teaching him how to emotionally let go of people not doing right by him, to include judges, opposing attorneys, the ex-spouse, over-reactive relatives, and under-informed friends, neighbors, and co-workers. A coach can help a man develop a positive attitude and a level of confidence in dealing with his own attorney.

An experienced coach will help the man keep his emotional issues from getting in the way of objective and logical decision-making, allowing him to think and act in a more centered and directive manner. Enlisting the man as an agent of positive change and requesting his input into all areas of the restructuring process allows the man to feel vested in the process, rather than simply standing by and watching the divorce process take on a life of its own.

When individuals experience the breakup of a relationship it many times includes a loss of trust and a shutdown in communication as a result. With men, this loss produces feelings of insecurity. Insecurities quickly produce feelings of resentment and blame. Feelings of resentment and blame sends men to a place of anger and sometimes rage. Men believe they know how to handle anger. We think we know how to either shut people up or force them away from us by showing verbal and behavioral anger.

Directing the natural anger into a balanced force is critical. During the divorce process, a man will be asked to think rationally, and with a level head. They will be told to get their emotions together. Men must think clearly during negotiations. They cannot and must not be clouded with angry thoughts about their spouse. Such anger results in irrational decision-making, resulting in bad outcomes for him and for his restructuring family.

Going through a divorce, especially a litigated divorce in family court, is the second most stressful event a person will experience, second only to the death of an immediate family member. Sorting through all of this without the benefit of a divorce coach help can be daunting at best, disastrous at worst. The services of a professional, skilled, and experienced divorce coach is well worth the investment.

Many men feel adrift without any support system or coping skills during a divorce.

A Different Set of Divorce Commandments

The right and wrong in a divorce is the same as the right and wrong in life: Being honest, congruent, just, and reasonable is right; being dishonest, incongruent, unjust, and unreasonable is wrong.

Fair is not a part of this process. What is fair for us will probably be considered unfair to our spouse. We need to leave the concept of fair out of our divorce equation.

We need to change what we need to change. We need to let go of those things over which we have no control, or no longer need, or that no longer fits with who we are becoming.

Forgiving someone is not about them. It is about us. When we forgive we release ourselves from our bondage of hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion.

When we change, others around us must inevitably change.

Like our life, our divorce will be different. We need to take outside advice as generalized information for reference purposes only. Misinformation from others is dangerous.

One of the best releases for stress is physical activity. If we are already physically active, we need to stay active. If we are not active, we need to start immediately.

Emotions and feelings are our body’s way of letting us know we are alive. Not right, not wrong, they just are. We either deal with our emotions and feelings on our terms, or we allow them to deal with us on their terms (usually through self-destructive behaviors).

Whether things are going all right or whether they are going all wrong, everything changes. Be prepared for the unexpected. Being prepared for change and the unexpected allows us to roll with the punches without being knocked out of the fight.

We must treat others as we want to be treated–with respect, patience, acceptance, and our understanding of unconditional love.

Six Ways a Collaborative Divorce Supports Your Family Values

May 13, 2016 By CDSOC

by Bart Carey, Attorney/Mediator and Family Law Attorney
Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

Why do so many people behave so poorly when they separate and divorce? You know what I mean. As people choose to separate and divorce, as we get caught up in emotions and conflict, we say and do things that, in our everyday lives we’d never do or say.

Worse, this behavior is often condoned, counseled and/or supported by well-meaning family friends and even professionals. We fight for control or justification by speaking to and treating our children’s mother or father in ways we’d never condone under any other circumstance. We’d certainly never teach our children such behavior is acceptable, except they actually are learning from observing what we do.

This reality became personal for me when after a number of years as a litigator, I experienced my own divorce. I learned that divorce is not a legal process. It is a life experience.

As a life experience, I had to ask myself how I could square my own behavior with my values as a husband and father. Like many, I can’t say I was proud of everything I said and did.

A big part of the problem was the court process, which pitted parents against each other as adversaries in a win-lose fight while placing the decisions regarding their most precious treasures of their hearts in the hands of lawyers, judges and other professionals.

This experience launched me on a life and career changing journey: how to find, and offer my clients, a process that can be shaped to reflect their values:

A process in which spouses are supported and encouraged to work together, not against each other, to plan the family’s future while protecting their respective rights.
A process which allows the family to fashion a financial plan that provides for everyone’s needs yet still focuses upon the family’s goals and priorities.
A process which helps spouses address and manage their fears and emotions while still being able to choose to behave the way we would teach our children to behave, with respect and dignity for each individual.
A process that allows them to remain a family throughout and after the divorce process.
A process that supports and teaches co-parenting tools so they can better raise their children after transitioning to two households.
A process that supports parents to set a living example for their children of the values they have already worked hard to instill in them during the biggest crisis their family will likely ever face.

There is good news. Collaborative Divorce is that process. Review the information on this website for more information. The Collaborative Divorce process allows me to align my career with my personal values. You will find it a process which allows you to live up to your values.

Did I mention Collaborative Divorce can be easier on the pocketbook than a stressful, contentious litigated divorce, too?