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CDSOC

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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(949) 266-0660

  • The Collaborative Process
    • Overview
    • The Professional Team
    • FAQs
  • Find a Professional
    • Divorce Professionals
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    • About Divorce Options
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Divorce Conflict

7 Ways to Make a High Conflict Divorce Easier on Your Children

September 13, 2018 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, LCSW, LMFT, Divorce Coach, Co-Parenting Specialist

 

1. Recognize and Deal with Signs of Distress in Your Children.

  • Altered sleep or eating habits
  • Declining scholastic performance
  • Frequent, sudden or broad mood changes
  • Acting out with anger, aggression, or defiance
  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Lethargy or disinterest
  • Infantile or other regressive behavior
  • Becoming accident-prone
  • Excessive catering to parents, which may signal a child’s self-blame for the divorce

If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional.  Also consider consulting with a divorce coach who can help improve communication with your children, and your ability to care for them during your divorce.

 

2. Step AWAY from the Buttons!

Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke each other’s anger.  Use that knowledge to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases parental conflict increases the prospects for harm to your kids.

Also, use what you know about your quarrelsome co-parent to avoid confrontations.  During any encounters with your spouse be careful not to convey disrespect in front of the children either by words or by body language.

 

3. Confirm Substantive Conversations with Your Co-Parent.

Confirming conversations in writing can make it more difficult) for your co-parent to claim that he/she had no knowledge of a parenting schedule change, or that you failed to share notice of a teacher’s meeting.  A quick email or text can avoid many such “misunderstandings,” and save your kids the additional conflict such misunderstandings generate.

 

4. Include Sufficient Details in Any Agreements You Reach.

Avoid vague and unspecific language, which opens the door to confusion and misinterpretation.

 

5. Plan Ahead for Constructive Discussions with Your Co-Parent.

Avoid additional conflict and enhance your chances of productive discussions by leaving as little to chance as possible during discussions.

An example could be whether your son should go out for his high school football team.  Your spouse argues the virtues of discipline and teamwork, but you are concerned about evidence of concussive brain injuries suffered by high school football players.

First, clearly define the scope of the discussion to the here and now.  That will help prevent it from deteriorating into a blame game of past injustices, real or imagined.  Take some time before the discussion to understand your spouse’s concerns.  You may realize that your spouse is not just arguing to argue but genuinely believes that playing on the team would be good for your son.

During the discussion, use that understanding to help you address your spouse with empathy and respect.  You might concede the benefits of discipline and teamwork but suggest another sport that offers them without as much health risk.

Once the discussion has reached its conclusion or is no longer productive, end it politely but firmly.

 

6. Reassure Your Children

Tell your kids obvious things that bear repeating: that you love them, that the divorce is not in any way their fault, and that you will be there to help them through it.  Revisit those themes often.  It may sound corny, but those messages are critical to your children.

 

7. Keep Your Kids off the Battlefield.

Don’t argue in front of the kids.  The more directly children experience their parents’ high conflict, the worse off they are.

Don’t complain about, disparage or mock your co-parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else.  This increases the anxiety that causes lasting emotional harm to children.  Your conduct is the model for how your children will handle difficult situations they may encounter when they become parents.

Filed Under: Child Specialist, Child Support, Children's Mental Health, Divorce and Emotions, Family Issues Tagged With: Divorce and Anger, Divorce and Children, Divorce Conflict, High Conflict, Make Divorce Easier

Mom and Dad, Here’s What I Need During Your Divorce

February 27, 2017 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, Collaborative Coach

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the idea of their parents splitting up.

As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability at home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be easy, but these tips can help your children cope.

A Child’s Wish List During Their Parents’ Divorce

  • I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please communicate with me. Make phone calls, send texts and ask me lots of questions, but respect my right not to answer all the time. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
  • Please stop fighting and try hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on things that have to do with me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
  • I love you both and want to enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and my separate time with each of you. If you act jealous or upset when I am with my other parent, I feel like I need to take sides and love one of you more than the other.
  • Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. I don’t want to be your messenger.
  • When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
  • Please remember I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Please choose not to be another one of my problems!

It’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your kids the right kind of support through your divorce. It may feel like uncharted waters, but you can successfully navigate this uncertain time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

Your patience, reassurance, and a listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, it reminds them they can count on you for stability, structure, and care.

As you establish a working relationship with your co-parent, you help your kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. During this transitional time, you can’t be without some feelings of uncertainty and stress yourself, but you can greatly reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. Put them at the center of your interests – not in the middle of your battlefield.

Filed Under: Child Custody, Child Support, Co-Parenting, Divorce and Emotions Tagged With: CDSOC, Divorce and Children, Divorce and Parenting, Divorce Conflict, Jann Glasser, Parenting Plan

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