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CDSOC

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

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  • The Collaborative Process
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Divorce Recovery

Why Is Divorce So Stressful?

May 9, 2017 By CDSOC

by Dr. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“There are few blows to the human spirit so great as the loss of someone near and dear.” ~ John Bowlby, M.D.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale indicates that divorce is the second highest stressor for humans, second only to the death of a spouse.  Why is divorce so stressful?

When we view divorce through the lens of British psychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s attachment theory, it helps us understand the reason why divorce is so stressful.  Attachment theory states that we humans have a biological predisposition to form attachment bonds (strong emotional ties) with significant others to have a secure haven and safe base where we can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis.

Dr. Carol Hughes
Dr. Carol Hughes

We form these attachment bonds via our relationships with other human beings who are of primary importance to us.  Indeed, Dr. Dan Siegel, Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA Medical School, states, “Relationships are the most important part of our having well-being in being human.  It’s that simple.  And it’s that important.”

From birth to death, throughout the human life cycle, attachment bonds ensure our safety, security and even survival, and these emotional ties are strong and enduring.  It is understandable then that we humans tenaciously cling to our attachment bonds, both consciously and unconsciously.  Divorce disrupts and often destroys one of the most significant and powerful attachment bonds that we adults form – the bond with our marriage partner, thus also threatening the feelings of safety, security and survival this attachment bond has ensured.  As author Pat Conroy lamented, “The greatest fury comes from the wound where love once issued forth.”

The disruption and destruction of this powerful attachment marital bond become even more significant when we view each couple member’s psychological and physical health during and post divorce.  In the least case divorce causes the disruption and restructuring of the marital attachment bond and in the severest case, it causes the severing of the marital attachment bond, resulting in the attachment needs of the couple members no longer being met.  When this happens, the couple members have lost their secure haven and safe base where they can thrive and return for support and comfort during times of need, stress, and crisis.  They become more distressed and thus vulnerable to both physical and psychological stress, while at the same time being less able to deal with the stress and distress.

Researchers have consistently found that, except when compared to those in the most unhappy marriages, separated and divorced individuals suffer higher rates of physical and mental health concerns than married people in general, and often higher rates than widowed individuals.  In contrast, researchers have found that those in the unhappiest marriages often feel a sense of relief and hopefulness that their future can be happier apart from their spouse.

“Divorce is deceptive.  Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.” – Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances

The impact of divorce reaches far beyond the disruption, restructuring, and rupture of the marital attachment bond.  Divorce affects relationships in every aspect of the couple’s lives – the relationships with their children, both minor and adult, with extended family members, friend and community support systems, both in the present time and into the future.  As the author Pat Conroy wrote, “Divorce has many witnesses, many victims… Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

We know that grief is part of dealing with the excruciating loss that overwhelms us in death’s wake.  Grief is our response to this loss.  Divorce is the death of a marriage, the death of a couple or a family living together in one residence, often the death of extended family, friend, and community gatherings, the death of hopes, plans and dreams for the future.  Grief is the invisible companion of divorce.  Whether we are the one who is leaving the marriage, or the one being left, grief will be accompanying us on the journey called divorce.

Grief will also be the travel companion of our children, both minor and adult, our extended family members, and our friend and community support systems.  This grief is inevitable.  To many it is also invisible because most of us experiencing divorce, whether it is our divorce or the divorce of our parents, do not think of what we are experiencing as grief.  We most often say that we are feeling shocked, angry, sad and powerless, all of which are feelings that arise during grief.

During separation and divorce, both members of the couple are experiencing significant losses.  Yet both are often unaware of their invisible companion called grief.

It is common that the one leaving the marriage has already endured months and even years of agony, assessing whether to leave or stay.  For the one leaving, the divorce grief process began many months ago as he or she began thinking about less contact with the children, extended family, friends and community, the loss of and even longing for the happier days of the marriage, the possible loss of the family home and financial security, and the loss of hopes, plans, and dreams.  So, the one leaving has a head start in the grief cycle of divorce.

When the one leaving says, “I want a divorce,” the one being left is immediately catapulted into the grief cycle of divorce.  Often the one being left swings topsy-turvy through feelings of shock, deep hurt, intense sadness, anger, even rage, love and longing for the spouse and grieving the same losses as the one who is leaving the marriage.  All of these feelings are part of the grief cycle of divorce.

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” ~ Author unknown

Researchers have also found that even when adults have experienced such losses, physical and psychological disturbances, and grief, after a period of time most adults cope successfully with divorce.

How can you best ensure that you are one of the adults who successfully cope with divorce?

Acknowledge that you are experiencing an overwhelmingly stressful life event.  Assess where you are in the divorce grief cycle.  Ask for professional assistance.  Work with a team of divorce professionals who are experienced in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation and who understand your needs as you move through this major life crisis.  These divorce options are confidential, out-of-court, non-adversarial and respectful.  They offer you the opportunity to identify your goals, interests and concerns and craft agreements that are both individual and family focused.

Filed Under: Coaching, Collaborative Divorce, Collaborative Practice, Divorce and Emotions, Mental Health Tagged With: Alternative Dispute Resolution, Divorce, Divorce and Anger, Divorce and Grief, Divorce and Mental Health, Divorce and Stress, Divorce Counseling, Divorce Recovery, Dr. Carol Hughes

The Role of a Collaborative Divorce Coach

May 7, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, LCSW, MFT

Divorce is just as much a life transition as marriage. Divorce is not about the division of property; it is about the division of lives.

Closure rarely comes with the decree of dissolution issued by the court. Closure can come more easily through Collaborative Divorce, where a team of Collaborative professionals helps you to facilitate peacemaking in a private, respectful process out of court instead of waging war in a courtroom.

Depending upon the needs of the transitioning couple, various professionals are selected to be part of the team assisting spouses in a healthy positive transition from their lives together into two separate households. One of these professionals is the Divorce Coach, a licensed mental health professional who is a specialist with clinical experience in human behavior and family systems. We help families learn new skills in conducting themselves in times of stress during the Collaborative Divorce process.

Our role as Divorce Coaches during a Collaborative Divorce is assist people through the transition process, to provide a soft landing spot for clients to deal with the range of emotions that are inherent in any marital breakup. Coaches can help you to determine what is truly important in the divorce process, for both parents and children. Coaches can also help you release the negative emotional energy that can be part of any divorce, by helping you to develop skills in open communication, self-management and creative problem-solving.

As coaches, we help our clients focus on questions about their personal ethics and conduct, rather than winning and losing. After more than 30 years in the field of professional counseling and mediation, I have learned that divorce is one of the most painful emotional experiences most people can endure in their lifetime.

As a part of your Collaborative team, a Divorce Coach will assist you in separating highly volatile emotions so they do not interfere with sound decision-making. Together, we will create goals to address each area of concern, highlighting strengths as well as identifying challenges.

One of our most important and lasting goals as coaches is helping couples who are parents create co-parenting agreements that will work by helping to focus on the real issues of the future, not past angers and disappointments. Coaches guide couples to turn their issues into mutually shared interests, as they learn new problem solving skills for conflict resolution and post-divorce parenting for the restructured “family apart.”

By choosing to embark upon the road of Collaborative Divorce, and with the assistance of a Divorce Coach to guide you along the way, my hope is that at the end of this journey, you can embrace the spirit of these words found in Genesis 13:8-9: “let there be no quarrel between us for we were once family; let us separate gently; if one goes north, may the other go south; if one goes east, may the other go west. May your house be your house; and may my house be my house, and may strife and contentions not rule our hearts.”

 

Filed Under: Coaching, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce and Emotions, Family Issues, Mediation, Mental Health, Tips & Resources Tagged With: Divorce and Families, Divorce Counseling, Divorce Recovery, Jann Glasser, Managing Emotions, Problem Solving

Tips for Talking With Young Children About Your Upcoming Separation or Divorce

April 26, 2016 By CDSOC

by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Note: To avoid the clumsiness of using “child/children,” “children” is intentionally used throughout this article

It is clear you care about doing the best you can for your children through the separation and divorce process, because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths. You and your children will get through this difficult time.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare to talk with your minor children.

Agree on a time when you and your spouse can talk with your children together. Siblings need the support system they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they will have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them; for instance, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.

Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so that you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

Tell them that the two of you have decided to end your marriage and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you haven’t been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children this is NOT THEIR fault. Children often automatically assume responsibility for family issues.

Reassure your children you love them, you will always love them and you will always be their parents. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other any more. Children then think perhaps their parents could stop loving them one day as well. This unsettles them and the stable foundation having two loving parents provides.

Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you to show a united front to your children. This news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and feel they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Children often report they hate being put in this position and feel each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

Tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and you will always love them. Explain you will be amicable so you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, other family members or their friends. Explain your living situation (who is staying in the family home, etc.). Describe what will remain the same (school, activities, etc.). Assure them that they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.

Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes. If feasible, involve them at the appropriate time, for example, once you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make children feel guilty and angry at their other parent.

You are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand what you are sharing with them. Acknowledge the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, (how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy). Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history is being rewritten. They are losing their world.

Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs.

Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, your children may recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.

Assure your children this is a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage your children to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, to talk about your feelings.

Take advantage of the Child Specialist available to you and your children as part of the Collaborative Divorce process to give your children a safe, healthy outlet to express themselves and begin the journey toward a positive, happy future.

Filed Under: Child Custody, Child Specialist, Child Support, Coaching, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce and Emotions, Family Issues, Mental Health Tagged With: Communication, Divorce, Divorce and Children, Divorce and Families, Divorce Recovery, Dr. Carol Hughes, Family Law Attorney, How to Tell, Parenting Plan

Recovering From the Fog of Divorce

March 24, 2016 By CDSOC

by Leslee J. Newman, CFL-S, Family Law Attorney

Members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County had a wonderful opportunity to train with Vicki Carpel Miller and Ellie Izzo, Collaborative mental health professionals from Scottsdale, Arizona. Miller and Izzo discussed how people going through divorce are often in a “fog” of confusion and paralysis. Our job as competent and compassionate Collaborative professionals is to help each of the spouses to “recover” through what we hope will be a transformative process through Collaborative Practice.

How does this happen? By the use of a cohesive and skilled team of Collaborative professionals—attorneys, mental health, and financial professionals– who can alert you, educate you, and bring you out of the chaos and into the sunlight.  This can be done by identifying the different phases of transition and encourage the following stages of recovery:

Recovery Mode: Burned out, over stimulated. Trying to be productive is hard. Transition by focusing on the basics like adequate sleep, water, exercise, the comfort of friends, etc.

You have a little bit more energy but still hard to focus.  Start by creating new experiences in your life by meeting new people, learning something new, and reaching out to others you haven’t seen in a while.  Novelty will help to stimulate you

Work Mode: Start to fix, clean, organize and maintain.  The energy is starting to recover as you catch up with work and tasks that you’ve let slide.

Self Mode: Start to think about yourself, your values, beliefs, and interests.  Start to make decisions that are best for the long term even if those decisions are hard to make.

Flow Mode: By now you should have identified at least one interest that you are ready to pour your soul, time, and energy into developing something bigger than  yourself.

People Mode: Repair important relationships and have necessary and difficult conversations with friends, relatives, and colleagues.

Gold Mode: You’ve developed a positive outflow of energy as you have solidified goals, relationships, your work, and your values.  You are feeling much more resilient  and your energy to concentrate has been restored.  You are now open to switching modes when faced with future random events.

Have you faced a previous crisis in your life, or family transition like divorce, which led you from a “fog” to strength.  If so, please share.

Filed Under: Collaborative Divorce, Collaborative Practice, Divorce and Emotions, Divorce and Money, Divorce and The Law, Divorce Options, Legal, Tips & Resources Tagged With: CDSOC, Divorce, Divorce and Children, Divorce and Families, Divorce Recovery, Leslee Newman

The Gray Divorce

March 18, 2016 By CDSOC

by Leslee J. Newman, CFLS, Family Law Attorney

Although divorce rates in the United States have seen a decrease in the last decade, divorce rates for couples over 50 have doubled. According to U.S. Census Bureau data, in 2010, one out of every 20 people in the U.S. who divorced was over the age of 65!   Now, with the retirement of the “Baby Boom” generation (persons born between 1946 and 1967), the numbers of divorcing seniors is expected to escalate.  This phenomenon is often referred to as “gray divorce.”

Some reasons for this increase in gray divorce include the following:

  • There’s no longer a social stigma for seniors divorcing.
  • Seniors are living longer and are generally healthier.
  • Our culture promotes happiness.

A few years ago, a Chicago area billboard advertised divorce with a message that life was too short to be miserable.

Are you a senior and contemplating divorce? Have you helped a parent, colleague or friend who was in their 50s, 60s, or older get through their divorce? Does it make sense financially for a senior married couple to divorce?

Filed Under: Collaborative Divorce, Divorce and Emotions, Divorce and Money, Divorce and The Law, Divorce Options, Financial, Legal, Tips & Resources Tagged With: Adult Children, Divorce, Divorce and Families, Divorce Recovery, Gray Divorce, Leslee Newman

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