Fear

Dealing with the Fear in a Divorce

August 19, 2020 By CDSOC

By Bart Carey | Originally posted on https://familypeacemaker.com/fear-dealing-with-divorce/

All of the emotions that we see during the course of the breakdown of a marriage and the divorce process boil down to fear. I do not say that from my own expertise but from what I have heard over and over again from my colleagues in the mental health profession.

The first victim of any marriage that is going south is communication. As communication breaks down, people cannot solve problems together anymore. So, what they do is out of frustration and they start taking unilateral action. However, because we are in a relationship, what you do affects me. This is when the fear sets in. You lose control and you do not know what’s going to happen next and you don’t understand why your spouse is doing this to you.

This is when the fears arise and what it leads to is a tit for tat situation. It leads doing something that will make me feel like I am back in control of the situation. This back and forth starts to happen and it evolves. All of this happens before the client comes to us in the family law arena. This goes on because of their fear of loss of control, their fear that they can get along, or protect themselves for what is going on. They do not know what is going to happen next. Their trusted advisors tell them, “You need to talk to an attorney. You need to protect yourself.” A lot of them use words like you need to attorney up.

Out of fear they hire an attorney. The process that they choose can make all the difference. The Collaborative Divorce process offers is a safe space, a structure where they can rely on the supportive professionals that they can trust. It gives clients a sense of gaining some control back in their lives. That is huge for allaying their fears. It provides a way to reestablish communication that has been lost, which allows them to start making agreements about their divorce. Something they haven’t been able to do for a long time is to agree and solve the problem together.

Suddenly they can start doing that with the structure and the safety of the process and the support that they get from the collaborative team. They start to get a little more assurance and a little less fear and start working more from the problem-solving part of their mind instead of the fight, flight, or freeze part of their mind. Plus, then the kids start to see them doing this. The kids have seen them fall apart. Now they see their parents working together to create a safe space for the kids and structure in the parenting and the co-parenting that kids depend on.

There is a legacy in this. You enter into a process that teaches you the skills and tools to be able to solve your own problems to co-parent together, to make agreements about what to do, even when you’re not on the same page about why to do it but what to do. The parents have a competency that allows them to have a more successful future. As parents, the kids see the parents solving one of the biggest life crises that they will ever face and they start to believe that there is no problem too big that you cannot solve it. Collaborative Divorce builds resiliency for both the parents and the kids to deal with future challenges. A future that is not overwhelmed by fear.

No Drama Divorce… How to Manage Fear and Expectations in a Co-Mediated Divorce Process Using Collaboratively-Trained Professionals

February 28, 2020 By CDSOC

By Patrice Courteau, MA, LMFT and Paula J. Swensen, Esq.

The ending of a marriage can be a minefield of emotions and reactions. A “no drama” divorce helps to shift a mindset from pain and unrealistic expectations to one of managing emotions, learning better communication skills, and gathering information in order to reduce anxiety of divorcing spouses.

In our experience of working together in a co-mediation process, the goal is to reduce the drama by reducing fear, managing both spouse’s expectations, and setting a course for the couple to be able to successfully navigate. We cannot overstate the value to clients of using well-trained collaborative professionals to help them manage the fear and emotion in order to achieve their best family-centered outcome.

While the legal professional is educating on the legal process and the issues presented, the mental health professional (divorce coach or child specialist) is gathering information from the spouses regarding their urgent issues and concerns, including any communication challenges.

Throughout this process, it is essential for the clients to be heard, and to feel that they have an equal voice in reaching a resolution. Often during this process, clients learn a new way to communicate with one another. If children are involved, the goal is to be able to communicate better to more effectively co-parent. Children, regardless of age, can be affected positively by parents communicating more effectively, keeping the best interest of their children at heart.

The value added by working with highly-trained collaborative professionals allows for seamless communication, timely responses to interim issues, and for maintaining momentum toward a practical, family-focused resolution. There is also value added by a mediation process that can be far more creative in its outcome than any court-imposed judgment.

A “no drama” divorce, i.e., the ending of a marriage, can also be a new beginning for the individuals going through it. We, as professionals, are continually amazed at the transformation of clients who have grown through the divorce process. We often witness a combination of compassion and practicality shown by the clients toward one another by the end of the process. This transformation does not usually occur after a litigated divorce, which underscores the added benefits of utilizing collaborative professionals to resolve the parties’ matter outside of the court process.

5 Steps to Overcome Divorce Anxiety

September 1, 2016 By CDSOC

Divorce can create anxiety in many ways. These tips can help you find ways to cope. Photo: Marinadel Castell, Creative Commons

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

Fear of an uncertain future can stop us from doing great things, and it can keep us holding onto things and habits that are hurting us. The majority of people occasionally wonder what the future will be like. Whether we will be happy, whether we will have enough money, whether we will be healthy. But when you are contemplating, going through, or coming out of divorce, your anxiety over the future can be overwhelming and unbearable.

For some, future fears are about their children: whether their children will cope with or forgive them for the divorce.

Others question whether they will adjust to living alone, have enough money, or meet someone special who they can share and enjoy life with.

Some are concerned about how family, friends, colleagues, business partners and others will react to the news and whether their relationship with them will change.

Finally, there are those who are still in grief, dealing with the loss and questioning whether the pain, stress, frustration, guilt, sadness or resentment will ever pass.

The common theme among them is the desire to know if they will be happy again. Some anxiety over an uncertain future is natural. But constantly thinking about it is draining and damaging..

Concerns are often based on “mights” — things which might or might not happen.

Left alone with your thoughts, you can feel exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed. Recognize that you don’t have to make all the decisions now. One by one you can address those decisions as they impact the uncertain future.

Before we enter into embracing the uncertain future, letting go of relationship baggage is an essential first step. Only after you free yourself from past bitterness, anger, and sadness can true peace of mind and happiness be achieved. After divorce, many still suffer unresolved frustration, disappointment and guilt with the way their marriage ended.

These thoughts can consume you. The stress, anxiety and tension you still feel can take a toll on your health, sleep patterns, and feelings of being constantly on edge. Divorce Coaching is one way of helping you to let go of the past so that you can move forward to deal with future uncertainty, enabling you to feel stronger, happier and more confident.

5 Steps to Embracing the Uncertain Future

Let go of expectations

When you expect things, you set yourself up for disappointment. You can take actions to influence your future, but you cannot control outcomes or others. If you expect the worst, then you can get trapped into a negative closed minded outlook that will prevent you from seeing and seizing opportunities. If you expect the best, and things don’t go exactly the way you wanted, you have to deal with this disappointment.

Instead of expecting the future to give or not give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience.

Create options for different possible outcomes

The hardest part of dealing with uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. This is how many clients feel. Until they know what the outcome of their divorce will be, such as their financial situation or even how they will feel living alone, they can’t makes plans about until they have more clarity. But they can create and plan for possible outcomes.

Try to make lists of options and their possible outcomes. For example, what would you do if you get more or less money than expected? Explore different housing options, and consider different parenting arrangements for your children.

To achieve peace of mind, it can be useful to list plans for different outcomes. Making rough plans can be reassuring and lessen anxiety. Many also find after talking it through with someone, uncertainty no longer played on their mind. So get together with a friend, family member or coach and talk through your options and outcomes.

Grow confident in your ability to handle any situation

Start by reminding yourself of difficult times in your life you survived and got through: a difficult childhood, bullying, a previous break up, challenging work situation or perhaps another major loss. The chances are at the time it seemed unbearable, but looking back you coped and got through it.

Another method to help with managing anxiety is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever that worst is, then ask yourself, “What could I do to cope if the worse did happen?” Or “How would I handle it?”

Become an observer and advisor

It is not the unknown that bothers some people. Everything in life is unknown, we all know this. But what bothers some folks most is finding themselves getting lost in a repetitive cycle of thoughts: about what may and may not happen in the future, rather than being able to just deal with it when it comes and not think about it all the time.

Try sharing every single thought with yourself. Then ask yourself what advice you would give a friend, family member or colleague who had the same thought. You may find yourself telling him or her not to be “ridiculous,” a pointless exercise or a waste of time thinking that way. Examining each and every minute detail of life can be exhausting! You gain perspective by becoming an observer and advisor to yourself. You can now use this to prevent getting wrapped up in your own thoughts.

Try this suggestion: write down, share, and where possible find humor in any escalating thoughts. Ask yourself. “If a friend or family member were facing this situation or having these thoughts, what advice would I give them?”

Manage and reduce stress effectively

Built up stress and anxiety affects breathing rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension and every organ in our bodies.

Finding a way to reduce stress, as well as letting go of that stress, is essential to maintaining a healthy life. When we go through a painful break up and divorce, this is particularly true. Different strategies work for different people. It could be a relaxing bath or massage, physical exercise, deep breathing, simple laughing or meditation.

One activity which helps some people de-stress is cooking. You may love creating and trying new dishes, as you find yourself switching off from everything else. Don’t buy into the lame excuse “It is pointless cooking for one.” It’s great fun experimenting! You can freeze almost anything. Cooking and giving food to others can be really rewarding. Plus, it’s an excuse to invite others over.

Find a healthy way of de-stressing, that works for you and do it regularly.

Let me close with words from a special prayer. Many people regardless of religious or cultural background and beliefs find them helpful in difficult times.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Your Brain on Divorce: How to Take Charge

June 20, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

During your divorce, you may find your heart pounding and your thoughts racing as if you were driving in the Indy 500. An email, text or voicemail from your attorney, accountant or spouse in your inbox may result in fear and dread as immediate reactions. This is one example of the brain on divorce; easily triggered, distraught and overwhelmed. You are trying to function while stressed, sad, and sleep deprived, reacting as if under attack.

Divorce is one of the most significant losses and stressful life events people experience. Unlike other losses, there is no bereavement leave from work, no sympathy cards, and no rituals that bring your friends and family around you to acknowledge the loss. Life goes on without skipping a beat. You are expected to go on.

Not only are you expected to go on, but you are also expected to gather all financial paperwork, other information, make time in your schedule for additional meetings, phone calls, emails, help your kids cope, and be prepared to make major parenting and financial decisions that have long term consequences. No wonder you’re exhausted and overwhelmed!

Being such a stressful process, divorce can bring someone to their knees even if they generally cope well at other times, turning a well-adjusted, reasonable person into a raving maniac. When you understand what’s going on in your body and mind under stress, it can help you have compassion for yourself and also choose effective coping strategies.

Your brain is responding to the divorce as a threat. The part of your brain that manages emotion and the fight-flight-freeze response (the limbic system or mid-brain) kicks into high gear. We commonly refer to it as “the right brain.” This part of your brain is essential to keeping you alive. It looks out for threats and is quick to react.

However, it is not helpful for planning, making decisions, and considering consequences of your actions. The part of the brain that takes control when you are upset, angry, or scared (during much of your divorce!) is responsible for your racing heart, tight chest, and flushed face. It contributes to your confusion and indecision. When your brain is preparing for a fight or to run for your life, it has shut down access to the “thinking, reasoning” part of your brain (left brain). Unfortunately, it is this part of your brain that needs to be in charge when negotiating your divorce settlement, making financial decisions, working with your co-parent, parenting, and planning for your “new normal” and future. Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D. of the University of Kentucky, aptly describes this part of the brain as controlling the “Pause and Plan” response.

Coping effectively during your divorce involves shifting from the “Fight or Flight” emotional “right brain” responding to threat and putting the “Pause and Plan” within in your “left brain” in charge. This part of your brain executes a plan after evaluating information and considering consequences. When you are able to do this, you increase self-control as well as your ability to manage emotions, evaluate information, make decisions, and make plans.

How can you access “Pause and Plan” when your brain is locked down in threat mode? The following options help strengthen your “big brain” and promote resilience:

Make sure you have the energy needed for your brain to optimally function. A healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep are essential to your body having the energy it needs.
Excess sugar and alcohol are not your friends now. Drowning your woes in a gallon of ice cream or a bottle of booze won’t help you cope for long..
Pause. Your emotional “right brain” is lightning fast. Your body and mind need time to slow down the reaction and realize your current situation, while stressful, is not life or death. Breathing slowly is a great way to use your body to send signals to your brain that you are not in mortal danger. Meditation, or daily mindfulness exercises can be a huge help here. It also gives you time to begin to think, engaging your “left brain”
Heighten your awareness. Observing yourself and your situation is a function of the left brain. When you pause to observe what’s going on, you activate that part of your brain. This opens up options for you to consider and the opportunity to be less reactive.
Seek support from others. Believe it or not, there is “good news” in how our body responds to stress. Not only does our body release adrenaline to help us jump into fight-flight action, but it also releases oxytocin (sometimes called the bonding, love, or cuddle hormone). This hormone encourages us to seek out support and physical contact from others. It also seems to help heal and regenerate heart cells! Our body and mind, in its’ infinite wisdom and complexity, is actually built to help us manage stress and heal a “broken heart.” Seeking out supportive relationships as well as receiving and giving hugs can help you calm down, pause, feel protected from attack, and as a result, be able to access your thinking brain.
Change your mindset. Stress itself is not the main problem that creates the negative impact on our health and well-being, but it’s how we perceive the stress that is the problem. Instead of interpreting the stress in your life, the divorce, and your reactions to it as harmful to you, you have another option. If you interpret this hard time in your life as a difficult challenge; one that you have the courage and strength to rise above, you can emerge stronger and better. You will also be less negatively impacted by the stress!
Practice self-compassion. Exercising this part of your brain not only can help you feel better about yourself, it can also contribute to self-control and motivation towards long-term goals. Next time you feel like getting down on yourself, try a little tenderness instead.
Beef up the parts of the brain you want working for you during this difficult time; don’t keep them in hibernation or overcome by volatile emotions. Emotions are faulty navigational tools when used as the primary source of decision-making.
Be open to new information and experiences. By definition, many aspects of your life change in response to divorce. You probably will have to take on some new roles, behaviors, and skills. You may even want to try something new.

New experiences, even those we don’t want, create opportunities for growth. Considering new perspectives, trying new things and being open to new information literally helps your brain grow. This can contribute to making better decisions, being more motivated, exerting more self control and being more compassionate. These not only are keys to well-being and resilience, but a new, improved you and a life well lived.

If you are struggling with the stress of divorce, consider this knowledge about the brain and what you can do to optimize your resilience and essential brain functions during this difficult time. You might find the outcomes of your efforts are the silver lining in the divorce cloud, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Divorce is painful. There is no way around it. The good news is that your mindset about it has a great impact on how damaging this stressful event will be to your mind and body. Attitude is everything!