High Conflict

The Role of Minor’s Counsel in Litigation and in Collaborative Divorce

February 14, 2022 By Patty C. Van Haren

In high conflict litigated cases, a Judge will often appoint Minor’s Counsel in order to assist them in determining orders that are in the best interests of the child or children of the marriage. Minor’s Counsel is an attorney who represents the children. They are not a therapist or a custody evaluator, however they will gather evidence to present arguments to the Court as to what orders are best for their client or clients [the children]. Minor’s counsel is able to access the confidential records for the child such as medical records, educational records or any records from therapists that have been treating the child.

When I have been in the role of Minor’s Counsel, I try to meet with the child in a neutral setting such as a park or a setting that will be comfortable for them. If I know that they like animals, I may bring one of my dogs with me to the first meeting. My goal in the first meeting is to provide the child with a safe space so that they can talk to me. In most litigated cases, the child has been exposed to the conflict of the parents for a long time. They may be coached by one or both parents or fearful that what they say to me will be shared with the parents. I also schedule meetings with each of the parents individually and each of the parents with the child.

Often the parents are so engaged in their negative feelings towards the other parent that they lack insight as to the damage that the conflict is causing to their children. While I am meeting with the family, I am also gathering evidence from outside sources which can help me understand what is in the best interests of that child. If the child has a therapist, then I will speak with them. If one of the parents has been taking the child to therapy without the involvement of the other parent, the evidence obtained may be weighted less. If the parents do not have the child in therapy, I will often recommend that a therapist be put into place for the child so that they have ongoing care and a safe space that they can speak about the children.

Prior to a return hearing with the Court, I will discuss my recommendations with both parents together and the attorneys if they are represented. Generally, parties that are in litigation are so entrenched in their own positions and what they want or what they think is right that they are unable to see the impact that their hostility has on the children. While I do not share all that my client has told me, I will ask permission to share certain statements. It often surprises the parents to learn that their child loves both parents and wants to have time with both of them. If there are issues of addiction or abuse, then we are able to discuss how to maintain that relationship in a manner that is safe for the child. My goal in sharing my position with the parents prior to the hearing is to see if there is a way that we can come up with options and work out a parenting plan together that will be in the best interests of the children. Unfortunately, if we are not able to do this then I will present my case to the Court and the Judge will make orders based on evidence that is presented by each of the parents as well as my evidence that is presented. In litigated cases, my role may continue for several years as most parents are not happy with orders that are made by a Court.

In a Collaborative Case, the parties who choose to participate in this process are able to use minor’s counsel before significant damage has been done to the children. Minor’s counsel may be used in a collaborative case where the parents need additional assistance in communicating with each other or where there has been a history of domestic violence or substance abuse or where there are older children in their teenage years who want to have a voice in what their life will look like after the Divorce. In Collaborative cases, there is often a parent child specialist involved as well. My role in a Collaborative case is to be part of the entire team and to represent the interests of the children while continuing to work with the entire team to guide the family through the process without causing damage to the children. In a collaborative case, my role is to gather information to be shared with the team as opposed to a litigated case where I would be gathering evidence to be presented to the Court.

I conduct the children’s meetings in the same manner as I would in a litigated case, meeting on neutral ground and establishing rapport, I will also meet with the children and each of the parents alone. However, as we are in a collaborative process, I will meet with the parents and children together and just the parents together. I coordinate with the parent child specialist as they are going to be working with the parents on communication and assisting them in getting through the Divorce without damage to the children.

In team meetings, I am able to present options to be considered by the team as a whole and those options can be discussed with the parents, the coaches, attorneys and parent child specialist. The parent child specialist is also able to weigh in. In collaborative cases we are able to structure a parenting plan that works for the children and for the family and will enable them to avoid litigating issues in the future. My role as minor’s counsel ends at the time that the Collaborative case is concluded as parents who work together on a parenting plan are generally happy with that parenting plan and do not continue to litigate the issues.

Minor’s counsel can be a vital role in both litigated cases or collaborative cases where the children need to have a voice. Although the process varies, the role of Minor’s Counsel remains the same, to provide information about what is in the best interests of the children and to assist the children in having a voice in their parents Divorce.

7 Ways to Make a High Conflict Divorce Easier on Your Children

September 13, 2018 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, LCSW, LMFT, Divorce Coach, Co-Parenting Specialist

1. Recognize and Deal with Signs of Distress in Your Children.

Altered sleep or eating habits
Declining scholastic performance
Frequent, sudden or broad mood changes
Acting out with anger, aggression, or defiance
Withdrawal from family and friends
Lethargy or disinterest
Infantile or other regressive behavior
Becoming accident-prone
Excessive catering to parents, which may signal a child’s self-blame for the divorce

If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional. Also consider consulting with a divorce coach who can help improve communication with your children, and your ability to care for them during your divorce.

2. Step AWAY from the Buttons!

Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke each other’s anger. Use that knowledge to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases parental conflict increases the prospects for harm to your kids.

Also, use what you know about your quarrelsome co-parent to avoid confrontations. During any encounters with your spouse be careful not to convey disrespect in front of the children either by words or by body language.

3. Confirm Substantive Conversations with Your Co-Parent.

Confirming conversations in writing can make it more difficult) for your co-parent to claim that he/she had no knowledge of a parenting schedule change, or that you failed to share notice of a teacher’s meeting. A quick email or text can avoid many such “misunderstandings,” and save your kids the additional conflict such misunderstandings generate.

4. Include Sufficient Details in Any Agreements You Reach.

Avoid vague and unspecific language, which opens the door to confusion and misinterpretation.

5. Plan Ahead for Constructive Discussions with Your Co-Parent.

Avoid additional conflict and enhance your chances of productive discussions by leaving as little to chance as possible during discussions.

An example could be whether your son should go out for his high school football team. Your spouse argues the virtues of discipline and teamwork, but you are concerned about evidence of concussive brain injuries suffered by high school football players.

First, clearly define the scope of the discussion to the here and now. That will help prevent it from deteriorating into a blame game of past injustices, real or imagined. Take some time before the discussion to understand your spouse’s concerns. You may realize that your spouse is not just arguing to argue but genuinely believes that playing on the team would be good for your son.

During the discussion, use that understanding to help you address your spouse with empathy and respect. You might concede the benefits of discipline and teamwork but suggest another sport that offers them without as much health risk.

Once the discussion has reached its conclusion or is no longer productive, end it politely but firmly.

6. Reassure Your Children

Tell your kids obvious things that bear repeating: that you love them, that the divorce is not in any way their fault, and that you will be there to help them through it. Revisit those themes often. It may sound corny, but those messages are critical to your children.

7. Keep Your Kids off the Battlefield.

Don’t argue in front of the kids. The more directly children experience their parents’ high conflict, the worse off they are.

Don’t complain about, disparage or mock your co-parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else. This increases the anxiety that causes lasting emotional harm to children. Your conduct is the model for how your children will handle difficult situations they may encounter when they become parents.

The Honey Experiment: Can It Help Your Co-parenting Relationship?

November 30, 2016 By CDSOC

by Suanne I. Honey, Certified Family Law Specialist, Law Offices of Suanne I. Honey

Let me start this blog by letting you know I am a family-law attorney who, unfortunately, still litigates cases. I prefer the Collaborative Process for many reasons. This means I work with couples who at times can be very angry with each other.

This post, however, has to do with attitudes. A recent Facebook post keeps popping up frequently about a teacher of mentally challenged students. He started each school day telling each student compliments specific to that student. There were both expected and unexpected results with her experiment. Most impressive, the students began giving each other compliments and their academic grades improved.

Being a strong believer in the concept of positive energy spreading just as quickly as negative energy, I decided to start my own experiment. A few months ago I started asking my clients who are engaged in a high-conflict relationship with the other parent to give the other parent a compliment. Daily seems too often and rings of insincerity and ulterior motives. I requested once a week or if that was too onerous, once a month.

There is an old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And since my name is Honey, let’s call this The Honey Experiment.

Sometimes it is a real struggle to find something – really anything – to compliment. It could be as simple as “That pink shirt looked good on you,” to “I appreciate how you give each child individual attention.” The only requirement is that it be completely sincere. If it is just a chore, it will sound hollow and may be worse than saying nothing at all.

You can do this, too, no matter what the status of your relationship is, from loving to friendly to hostile. Find something you truly like about the other parent, be it physical or a character compliment. Just find something. Send a text or an email or even say it in person if you are comfortable doing so.

My sampling of clients are too small to have any scientific basis attached to the outcome, but I too was surprised at the early results. All of the clients I suggested do this agreed. Some followed through on a regular basis, some not so much.

What happened with each of those clients (even the ones who did not actually give the compliments) resulted in less calls to my office voicing complaints about the other parent. I suspect that this newly positive attitude among my clients (even those who did not give the compliments but who clearly gave it some thought) carried over to body language, to tonal qualities in their voice, and in facial expressions at parenting exchanges. It is difficult to be angry with someone who is nice to you. This is not a panacea, but there have been remarkable and noticeable changes in my clients.

Going through the stressors and pressures in a custody battle makes you forget the good qualities that you once appreciated in the other parent. Sometimes those qualities are so buried under bad conduct that it is difficult to dig them out. The compliment project is yielding benefits in their relationship with the ex-spouse or co-parent. Surprisingly, the biggest benefit seems to go to the person giving the compliment, not the one getting the compliment like you might expect. In addition, because the parents are happier, their children are happier, and this is something everyone wants to see.

You cannot give a compliment with expectations of getting one in return, because most likely that will not happen. More importantly it diminishes the point of the experiment. Give an honest, unsolicited compliment to the other parent regularly without expectations of any kind and pay attention to the changes in your life and in the lives of your children.

Isn’t The Honey Experiment worth trying? What have you got to lose? If you try it, post a message on our group’s Facebook page and let us know how it worked out for you. Or send me an email at honey@honeylaw.com