• The Collaborative Process
    ▼
    • Overview
    • The Professional Team
    • FAQs
  • Find a Professional
    ▼
    • Divorce Professionals
    • Professional Resource Members
  • Divorce Options
    ▼
    • Upcoming Workshops
    • About Divorce Options
  • CDSOC Membership
    ▼
    • Member Benefits
    • Join
    • Member Resources
  • About Us
    ▼
    • About Us Overview
    • Our Mission
    • CDSOC Leadership
  • Events Calendar
  • Blogs
  • Contact
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

CDSOC

Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County

Connect With A Professional Today:
(949) 266-0660

  • The Collaborative Process
    • Overview
    • The Professional Team
    • FAQs
  • Find a Professional
    • Divorce Professionals
    • Professional Resource Members
  • Divorce Options
    • Upcoming Workshops
    • About Divorce Options
  • CDSOC Membership
    • Member Benefits
    • Join
    • Member Resources
  • About Us
    • About Us Overview
    • Our Mission
    • CDSOC Leadership
  • Events Calendar
  • Blogs
  • Contact

Planning

Creative Divorce Solutions: Thinking Outside The Box

January 8, 2021 By CDSOC

By Jennifer Webb Gordon, CFLS

“Why divorcing couples should consider creative solutions in their divorce”

 

If you are contemplating divorce you probably want to know “what you are legally  entitled to.”  This is the most common question asked by new clients, who often tell me “I just want what I’m entitled to.”

It is natural to want information to help with divorce planning and to set expectations.

Since divorce is a legal process, people turn to “legal entitlements” as a measuring stick.

What most couples contemplating divorce don’t realize is the restrictive range of outcomes available through the court system. Judges are limited by the laws that exist at the time you arrive in court.  Laws change, and what is true today may not apply next year or next month. One recent example is the tax deductibility of spousal support (alimony) payments.  Up until January 2019, spousal support payments were tax deductible to the party paying and taxable to the recipient.  Today, the payment of spousal support is no longer deductible on federal returns.  Similarly, the spouse who receives spousal support is no longer required to claim the amount as income on their federal tax return.  This is just one example of how the landscape of the law is subject to change.  While understanding your legal rights is important, engaging in creative problem solving will often result in better outcomes for both parties, and the entire family.

Creative solutions can apply to parenting plans as well as allocation of income and apportioning assets and liabilities. Below are just a few examples of creative solutions that worked for other couples which a court would not have been able to order without their prior agreement.

 

Creative Parenting Plans – Nesting

The typical custody orders handed down by the court provides for the children to alternate time with each parent in that parent’s home based on a standard time share schedule.  Sometimes parents alternate weekly or have a 2/2/3 alternating time share.

Some co-parents are choosing innovative arrangements to keep their children from feeling some of the effects of divorce and the disruption caused by having to transition back and forth between two homes.  A nesting arrangement means the children stay in the family home after the divorce.  It’s the parents who take turns living with the children; the adults shuffle back and forth.   This type of arrangement is typically for a limited period of time and allows everyone to adjust and prepare for a new family structure in 2 households.

Nesting isn’t for every family.  It takes a great deal of cooperation between co-parents to make this arrangement work, and sometimes the cost of maintaining separate homes precludes many from exploring this option at all.  But for parents who have good communication skills and are able to resolve conflicts productively, it can be a win for the children.  This is not an arrangement that can be ordered by the court, however, parents can plan creatively to meet the needs of their children during a divorce.

 

Using Retirement Funds Creatively

Transferring retirement funds earned during marriage from one party to another is commonly done as part of the dissolution process without incurring taxes or penalties to either party.  Employer sponsored plans such as 401(k) plans require a special court order called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO).  However, this means the funds stay in pre-tax retirement accounts and are not available, for example, to satisfy consumer credit debt or for use as a down payment on a home.

Couples who have ample retirement but are cash strapped and want to use  retirement funds for these or other purposes, may find relief in Internal Revenue Code §72(t)(2)( c) which exempts early distributions from the 10% additional tax if those withdrawals are made as a result of a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO). It can become a  key issue because the interests of participants in employer-sponsored retirement plans are often one of their largest assets next to equity in their home.

Take for example the recent situation where each party had $125,000 in an employer sponsored retirement plan which they had earned during marriage.  Typically, each party would retain his/her own plan since the plans were of similar value.  In this case, however, the parties had  incurred substantial consumer debt, with each party assuming over $45,000 in debt as part of the divorce.  Both parties wanted to eliminate the high monthly payments so they could better provide for their children’s needs after the divorce.

Utilizing IRC §72(t)(2)( c), each party was awarded a portion of the others retirement plan, divided through a QDRO.  Each party withdrew the portion awarded to them from the other’s retirement and used those funds to satisfy the debt, giving each a fresh start.

You should always discuss cashing out retirement funds with your CPA or Tax Attorney as it may not be the right solution for everyone.

 

Medical Insurance – Delaying Termination of Marital Status to Extend Health Benefits

Many couples worry about the loss of health insurance after divorce when they are covered under their spouses health plan. Once a dissolution is entered and the parties are restored to the status of single persons, the former spouse will not be eligible to be covered on the former spouse’s plan. The cost of obtaining individual health plans can be daunting. Even when coverage is available, the plan benefits may be inferior.

Couples utilizing a Collaborative process or Mediation are sometimes able and willing to structure the termination of their marriage in order to afford the other party time to obtain insurance.   This doesn’t require delay in filing the final agreement in your case.  Once you have reached an agreement, if you both concur, you can have all the other provisions of the agreement signed by the court and still provide that you will remain legally married for a period of time after the agreement is filed in the court.

In one case, the cost of providing health insurance was taken into consideration in the negotiations and the wife agreed to delay termination of the status of the marriage for a period of 7 months after the Judgment was entered.

Although individual insurers have different rules about covering a spouse from whom you are physically separated, most allow coverage until the status of the marriage itself is terminated.

 

Creative Solutions for your Family

The above represent just a few of the many creative solutions available.   Out of court processes such as Collaborative Divorce and/or Mediation encourage parties to design unique solutions that best fit their own situation.  With the assistance of trained professionals, the parties engage in brainstorming creative approaches to restructuring their family. This allows for the ability to “Think Outside the Box”, to be creative in determining the financial arrangements and parenting plans that work for your family.

Filed Under: Creative Divorce Solutions Tagged With: Divorce and Taxes, Planning, Problem Solving, Retirement Benefits

12 Reasons To Create Your Premarital Agreement Using the Collaborative Process

March 6, 2017 By CDSOC

by Leslee J. Newman, CFL-S, Family Law Attorney
Orange, California

  • Each premarital partner selects their own Collaborative attorney to represent him or her from the very beginning of the premarital Collaborative Process. You and your Collaborative attorney work together until the premarital agreement is completed and signed.
  • Neutral professionals such as a financial planner and/or a Collaborative coach may also be added to your Collaborative team to help you and your partner develop and fully understand your goals as a couple, and the legal and financial ramifications of your decisions.
  • Before any drafting takes place, you and your partner are encouraged to express your thoughts and concerns about what you plan to build together as joint property and what you want to maintain as separate property.
  • Full disclosure of the property and debts of each premarital partner is exchanged including some verification of each asset and each debt.
  • After full discussion, disclosure, and agreement is reached by the premarital couple, the agreement is drafted through the participation of both Collaborative attorneys.
  • After the draft of the premarital agreement is completed, the draft is fully discussed and explained to each premarital partner by his or her Collaborative attorney.
  • Additional drafts and revisions are encouraged by the Collaborative team until both members of the premarital couple are fully educated and satisfied with your agreement.
  • The Collaborative Process takes most of the stress out of the creation of a premarital agreement at a time when you are undergoing the tension and burden of planning your wedding.
  • With the premarital agreement completed, you can concentrate on your wedding plans, the joy of your wedding day, and your honeymoon.
  • After you are married, if there are any changes you wish to make to your property or financial planning, you can return to any of the members of your Collaborative team for assistance.
  • If you should divorce, your premarital agreement should be enforceable by California law because of the guidance of your Collaborative professionals, and the multiple opportunities you each had to discuss, question, and revise your agreement.
  • In the event a divorce occus, the Agreement should serve as a roadmap to simplify your divorce, make it move along more quickly and in most cases make it less expensive. Additionally, you may stay in the Collaborative Process for your divorce agreement, with some or all of the original Collaborative professionals assisting you who already know you and your spouse.

Filed Under: Collaborative Divorce, Collaborative Practice, Divorce and Money, Divorce and The Law, Financial Tagged With: Agreement, Financial Agreement, Leslee Newman, Less Expensive Divorce, Marriage, Planning, Premarital Agreement

Your Brain on Divorce: How to Take Charge

June 20, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

During your divorce, you may find your heart pounding and your thoughts racing as if you were driving in the Indy 500. An email, text or voicemail from your attorney, accountant or spouse in your inbox may result in fear and dread as immediate reactions. This is one example of the brain on divorce; easily triggered, distraught and overwhelmed. You are trying to function while stressed, sad, and sleep deprived, reacting as if under attack.

Divorce is one of the most significant losses and stressful life events people experience. Unlike other losses, there is no bereavement leave from work, no sympathy cards, and no rituals that bring your friends and family around you to acknowledge the loss. Life goes on without skipping a beat. You are expected to go on.

Not only are you expected to go on, but you are also expected to gather all financial paperwork, other information, make time in your schedule for additional meetings, phone calls, emails, help your kids cope, and be prepared to make major parenting and financial decisions that have long term consequences. No wonder you’re exhausted and overwhelmed!

Being such a stressful process, divorce can bring someone to their knees even if they generally cope well at other times, turning a well-adjusted, reasonable person into a raving maniac. When you understand what’s going on in your body and mind under stress, it can help you have compassion for yourself and also choose effective coping strategies.

Your brain is responding to the divorce as a threat. The part of your brain that manages emotion and the fight-flight-freeze response (the limbic system or mid-brain) kicks into high gear. We commonly refer to it as “the right brain.” This part of your brain is essential to keeping you alive. It looks out for threats and is quick to react.

However, it is not helpful for planning, making decisions, and considering consequences of your actions. The part of the brain that takes control when you are upset, angry, or scared (during much of your divorce!) is responsible for your racing heart, tight chest, and flushed face. It contributes to your confusion and indecision. When your brain is preparing for a fight or to run for your life, it has shut down access to the “thinking, reasoning” part of your brain (left brain). Unfortunately, it is this part of your brain that needs to be in charge when negotiating your divorce settlement, making financial decisions, working with your co-parent, parenting, and planning for your “new normal” and future. Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D. of the University of Kentucky, aptly describes this part of the brain as controlling the “Pause and Plan” response.

Coping effectively during your divorce involves shifting from the “Fight or Flight” emotional “right brain” responding to threat and putting the “Pause and Plan” within in your “left brain” in charge. This part of your brain executes a plan after evaluating information and considering consequences. When you are able to do this, you increase self-control as well as your ability to manage emotions, evaluate information, make decisions, and make plans.

How can you access “Pause and Plan” when your brain is locked down in threat mode? The following options help strengthen your “big brain” and promote resilience:

  • Make sure you have the energy needed for your brain to optimally function. A healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep are essential to your body having the energy it needs.
  • Excess sugar and alcohol are not your friends now. Drowning your woes in a gallon of ice cream or a bottle of booze won’t help you cope for long..
  • Pause. Your emotional “right brain” is lightning fast. Your body and mind need time to slow down the reaction and realize your current situation, while stressful, is not life or death. Breathing slowly is a great way to use your body to send signals to your brain that you are not in mortal danger. Meditation, or daily mindfulness exercises can be a huge help here. It also gives you time to begin to think, engaging your “left brain”
  • Heighten your awareness. Observing yourself and your situation is a function of the left brain. When you pause to observe what’s going on, you activate that part of your brain. This opens up options for you to consider and the opportunity to be less reactive.
  • Seek support from others. Believe it or not, there is “good news” in how our body responds to stress. Not only does our body release adrenaline to help us jump into fight-flight action, but it also releases oxytocin (sometimes called the bonding, love, or cuddle hormone). This hormone encourages us to seek out support and physical contact from others. It also seems to help heal and regenerate heart cells! Our body and mind, in its’ infinite wisdom and complexity, is actually built to help us manage stress and heal a “broken heart.” Seeking out supportive relationships as well as receiving and giving hugs can help you calm down, pause, feel protected from attack, and as a result, be able to access your thinking brain.
  • Change your mindset. Stress itself is not the main problem that creates the negative impact on our health and well-being, but it’s how we perceive the stress that is the problem. Instead of interpreting the stress in your life, the divorce, and your reactions to it as harmful to you, you have another option. If you interpret this hard time in your life as a difficult challenge; one that you have the courage and strength to rise above, you can emerge stronger and better. You will also be less negatively impacted by the stress!
  • Practice self-compassion. Exercising this part of your brain not only can help you feel better about yourself, it can also contribute to self-control and motivation towards long-term goals. Next time you feel like getting down on yourself, try a little tenderness instead.
  • Beef up the parts of the brain you want working for you during this difficult time; don’t keep them in hibernation or overcome by volatile emotions. Emotions are faulty navigational tools when used as the primary source of decision-making.
  • Be open to new information and experiences. By definition, many aspects of your life change in response to divorce. You probably will have to take on some new roles, behaviors, and skills. You may even want to try something new.

New experiences, even those we don’t want, create opportunities for growth. Considering new perspectives, trying new things and being open to new information literally helps your brain grow. This can contribute to making better decisions, being more motivated, exerting more self control and being more compassionate. These not only are keys to well-being and resilience, but a new, improved you and a life well lived.

If you are struggling with the stress of divorce, consider this knowledge about the brain and what you can do to optimize your resilience and essential brain functions during this difficult time. You might find the outcomes of your efforts are the silver lining in the divorce cloud, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Divorce is painful. There is no way around it. The good news is that your mindset about it has a great impact on how damaging this stressful event will be to your mind and body. Attitude is everything!

Filed Under: Coaching, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce and Emotions, Mental Health Tagged With: Divorce, Divorce and Mental Health, Divorce and Stress, Divorce Counseling, Divorce Settlement, Divorce Therapy, Fear, Jann Glasser, Make Divorce Easier, Planning, Settlement Agreement

Primary Sidebar

Blog Categories

Categories

  • Awards and Honors
  • Blog
  • Child Custody
  • Child Specialist
  • Child Support
  • Children's Mental Health
  • Co-Parenting
  • Coaching
  • Collaborative Divorce
  • Collaborative Practice
  • COVID-19
  • Creative Divorce Solutions
  • Delayed Divorce
  • Divorce and Emotions
  • Divorce and Military
  • Divorce and Money
  • Divorce and The Law
  • Divorce Horror Stories
  • Divorce Options
  • Events and Training
  • Family Issues
  • Financial
  • General Divorce
  • Legal
  • Mediation
  • Mental Health
  • Self Help Divorce
  • Self-Representation
  • Spousal Support
  • Tips & Resources

Footer

CDSOC

Copyright © 2023 | All Rights Reserved | Website Design by The Crouch Group | Log in