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Separation

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.

How Does a Legal Separation Differ from a Dissolution of Marriage?

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If you are unhappy in your marriage what can you do about it? You could seek a divorce, a legal separation, or a nullity. The process of filing a case with the court is almost identical, but the procedure and the ramifications of filing a legal separation or a nullity instead of a divorce are different.

In California since 1970, we have a “no-fault” system in which there are only two grounds for divorce — “irreconcilable differences” and “incurable insanity.” Irreconcilable differences can encompass a wide variety of reasons, but often means that the spouse applying for the divorce is in a new or better relationship, is being harassed or abused by the other spouse, or wants a different life in another state or country but their spouse does not want to move away. Any of these reasons can create a breakdown of the marital relationship, with required testimony to the court by the petitioning spouse, that the couple can no longer live together.

Why file for a legal separation instead of a divorce? The court forms and the court process of filing for either a divorce or a legal separation are almost identical. In every legal separation or divorce process there are three areas in which choices by the spouses must be made. If any child is under the age of 18, a parenting agreement must be drafted as well as the allocation of child support determined, especially for a child with special needs. Also, spousal support could be an issue if the earnings of each spouse are substantially different. Finally, the personal or real property owned by Husband and/or Wife which is community property must be divided.

However, if you select the legal separation route, you do not terminate the marital relationship. What are the reasons for doing this? They might include the following:

  1. Either husband or wife feels compelled by religious beliefs to remain married even if husband and wife are no longer living together.
  2. A Judgment of Legal Separation enables one of the spouses who may not qualify for health insurance because of a pre-existing condition, or cannot afford to obtain their own health insurance policy, to remain on the health insurance of the other spouse for as long as they are still married.
  3. The Judgment of Legal Separation can divide marital property, provide spousal and/or child support for a minor child or children, divide marital debts, terminate the responsibility of each party to pay for the new debts or expenses of the other party after date of separation, and terminates the liability of one spouse for the other without fulfilling the requirement that at least the Petitioner resides for at least 3 months in the county of the Court’s location and for at least 6 months in the State of California. (However, to terminate the marital status of husband and wife, a divorce/dissolution of marriage must be filed by at least one of the parties who has resided for at least 3 months in the county of the Court’s location and at least 6 months in the State of California.)

Because legal separation or divorce in California is complicated, it is best to seek consultation and/or representation from licensed, experienced, and skilled family law attorneys as well as other licensed mental health and financial collaborative practice professionals.

13 Tips for Talking with Your Children About Your Separation and Divorce

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT
www.DivorcePeacemaking.com

The following tips will help you prepare to talk with your children about your separation and divorce. You care about doing the best you can for your children because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. This is a stressful time for all of you. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths — you and your children will get through this difficult time.

  1. Agree on a time when you both can be present to talk with your children together. Siblings need the support they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members. Treat it as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them, for example, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.
  2. Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them to be familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you if you wish and say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us, and we don’t want to forget anything.” Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage, and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to take in all you are sharing.
  3. First, tell your children that you love them very much, that you will always love them and always be their parents. Assure them that they will continue to have both parents’ emotional support and love in the newly restructured family.
  4. Tell them that the two of you have decided not to be married anymore and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you have tried to solve but haven’t been able to. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children that this is NOT THEIR FAULT. Children often automatically assume it IS their fault.
  5. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other anymore. Children then think that their parents could also stop loving them one day, which could unsettle them and the stable foundation of having two loving parents.
  6. Avoid blaming each other. Now is the time for the two of you to have a united front with your children. Remember that this news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty, feel that they need to choose sides, and feel guilty for loving both of you. Children often report that they hated being put in this position and feeling that each parent attempted to form an alliance with them against the other parent.
  7. Next, tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, that you will always be their parents, and that you will always love them. Tell them you intend to be friendly so that you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, for other family members, or their friends. Tell them if one of you intends to stay in the family home if you know this. Assure them that they will be remaining in their same schools, same activities, etc., if this is true. If you don’t yet know all that will remain the same, it is ok to tell them that. Assure them that you will tell them when you do know more about what will stay the same.
  8. Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes and, at the appropriate time, that they can be involved in seeing the new homes or looking for them with you after you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or a martyr. It will only make them feel guilty.
  9. If they ask you a question you don’t know the answer to yet, for example, “Will we stay in this house?” it’s ok to tell them you don’t know the answer to that question, and when you do, you will tell them.
  10. Remember that you are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel, and understand what you share with them. Acknowledge that you realize the announcement is a shock and that their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are ok. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about YOUR feelings, e.g., how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy, etc. Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, what you are telling them is rocking their familial foundation and rewriting their family history. They are losing their “family nest.”
  11. Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. That is your job, not theirs.
  12. Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, they may already be recalling their childhood memories and wondering: “What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?” Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, present, and future.
  13. Assure them that this will be a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them that you will always love them and always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone, so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage them to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you intend to talk with a counselor and that you will all get through this together.

How to Help Your Children During Separation and Divorce

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By Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.”
~Marian Wright Edelman, Founder, Children’s Defense Fund

 

Research about the effects of divorce on children indicates that:

  • Each year, over 1 million American children experience the divorce of their parents.1
  • Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems.2
  • Improving the relationships between parents and their children helps children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.3

Children are the innocent victims of divorce.  Divorce ranks second only to the death of a loved one as life’s most stressful experiences.4  Litigation, which by definition is adversarial, can compound that stress exponentially due to the hostility it can engender and the exorbitant costs that parents can incur.  “Combat divorce,” a common term for litigation, requires that each parent have the biggest battleship armed with the biggest guns, which take aim at the battleship of the other parent.  Let’s remember that, no matter what else changes, each of these soon to be “ex-spouses” forever remains their child(ren)’s other parent.  During the process of litigation, that obvious fact can become obscured in the harsh and adversarial language used to characterize the other spouse, thus making it almost impossible for each parent to think of the other parent as their child(ren)’s other parent and as a parent who possesses positive qualities.

So where are the children in this process?  To continue the “combat divorce” metaphor, they are huddled together in a foxhole wondering what has happened to the family they once knew.  As they tenaciously cling to each other in this bunker, they are shaking, fearing whether the next mortar will land in their foxhole or whiz over their heads.  Will they lose one or both of their parents permanently?  After all, it seems like it has been a short journey from their happy family with Mom and Dad playing with them in the park to the day when Dad or Mom moved out.  They never imagined that one of their parents would not be with them in their home.  Recently, they have overheard Mom and Dad fighting and talking about having to sell the house where they grew up and where they created so many happy memories.  They hear Dad and Mom discussing that they may have to change schools.  The thoughts are whirling through their minds: We will have to make new friends!  We won’t be able to be on our same soccer team!  What if we won’t be able to keep our doggie Duke and our kitty Miss Trouble because in our new rented house no pets will be allowed!  Mom and Dad are so stressed.  We can’t bother them with all these questions.  We must be very good and very quiet, so they don’t have to worry about us too.  We need to forget about how we feel and make sure Mom and Dad are ok.

The children have experienced so much uncertainty and unpredictability recently that on an unconscious level they realize that they cannot predict their future.  Nothing seems certain.  Life used to seem certain, but not any more.  So much has changed in such a short time, it certainly seems possible to them that they could lose their mom or dad.  Who will provide them with certainty, stability, and predictability?

“A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

When parents are in conflict, their children are in danger.  On-going parental strife produces the single most negative impact on children for years into their future.  Previously well-adjusted children can become at risk for both psychological and physical symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep disturbance, nausea, headaches, and the inability to focus and concentrate.  These symptoms can subsequently cause a delay in children’s development.  Difficulties in school academically, emotionally and socially can ensue.  Adult children of divorce commonly report that they felt as though they lost their childhood during and after their parent’s divorce, because the toxicity of the “combat divorce” permeated every aspect of their lives, causing them to struggle with the symptoms described above and necessitating that they “grow up” before they were developmentally ready.

Just as wartime combat is a survival state, so combat divorce is an emotional, and sometimes even physical, survival state for children.  Parents often need help in understanding this.  They need help preventing their children from becoming the innocent casualties of their divorce.  Research tells us that 80% of the issues of divorce are emotion-driven.  While parents are in the midst of such emotional upheaval, even the most well-intentioned parents can become overwhelmed and lose sight of what is genuinely in their child(ren)’s best interest.  Before, during and after divorce, parents and their children can benefit from the guidance and assistance of peacemaking professionals, who are focused on the well being of their family now and into the future.  Most parents with minor children are going through divorce for the first time.  While negotiating this extremely difficult life transition, they have no experience from which to draw.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation are confidential, no-court divorce options, which offer parents and children a peaceful, even transformative path for the restructuring of their family.  Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.5  Parents focus not on prevailing but on peacemaking, not on winning but on healing, because real winning means not wanting the other person to lose.  No-court divorce offers divorcing parents the best possibility that they can share the joys of parenthood.  Such sharing is one of the best gifts parents can give their children, because children feel and treasure their parents experiencing this joy.  When divorcing parents learn how to prevent their children from being caught in the crossfire in the middle of a combat zone and put their children in the center of healthy interactions, their children can remain children.  They are unburdened by adult concerns.  They don’t have to worry about finances, how Mom and Dad are coping, fear of being loyal to one parent and not the other, being in an alliance with one parent against the other.  being afraid to express their feelings for fear of hurting Dad or Mom or of having Mom or Dad be angry with them.  When their life as they have known it is crumbling around them, children deserve to experience the benefits of no-court divorce.

 

Consider these two stories

The first story: Two divorced parents were called to an emergency scene at a lake to rescue their child who had had fallen into a lake.  Rather than springing into action and coordinating the child’s rescue, they immediately began arguing about whose fault it was that the child had fallen into the lake.  The child drowned.

The second story: (For ease of style, I use the generic pronoun “he” and its derivatives.)  Two divorcing parents were attending a co-parenting training class.  Ten pairs of parents were present in the class.  The instructor gave the directions for the first exercise.  “Sit down across from your partner and face each other, with your right elbows on the table.  Grab your partner’s right hand with your own right hand and don’t let go.  Each parent will get one point every time the back of the other parent’s right hand touches the table.  The goal for each parent is to get as many points for himself or herself as possible during the exercise.  Keep your eyes closed and be completely indifferent to how many points your partner gets.  You will have one minute.  Ready, set, go!”

For one minute, the pairs struggled as each parent tried by physical strength to force the back of the other’s right hand down to the table.  With much effort and against the physical opposition of each partner, almost no one got more than a point or two.  There was a single exception.  Almost immediately, one parent remembered that his goal was to get as many points as he could for himself, and then he became utterly indifferent to how many points his partner got.  Instead of pushing on his partner’s hand, he pulled it down to the table, gave his surprised partner a quick and easy point, took a quick point for himself, and then gave his partner another point.  Without talking to or looking at each other, the two parents, with their elbows on the table, then swung their clasped hands harmoniously back and forth as rapidly as they could, thus collecting a large number of points for each of them.

Upon the conclusion of the exercise, each pair of parents reported to the group how many points each had collected.  No one had more than three points, except for the parent pair who had cooperated, each of whom had earned more than twenty points.

Despite the directions to the parents, that used the word “partner” and despite the instructions that they were to be indifferent to how many points their partner collected, virtually all parent participants had assumed that they and the one with whom they were doing the exercise were adversaries.  That adversarial assumption dominated their thinking and prevented them from getting as many points as they could have.

(Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, gave me the inspiration for this second story.)

A litigation attorney, tells me that when potential clients consult with her regarding retaining her for litigation, she educates them about the reasons clients should not consider litigation as an option to settle a dispute.  She explains that, if they value the relationship with the persons against whom they are considering bringing the lawsuit, litigation is likely not their best choice.

Do you think your children want you, their parents, to value your relationship with each other, just as they value and love each of you?  How will they feel most secure, knowing that their parents are partners or combatants?  What will they learn from you if you are engaged in combat divorce?  What will they learn from you if you model cooperative problem solving with integrity and mutual respect?  Who “wins” when one of your children’s parents “loses?”  What is the legacy you want to co-create for them?

“I was never ruined but twice – once when I lost a lawsuit, once when I won one.”
~Voltaire

Original material © 2018 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

 

Notes

  • Fagain, P., Rector, R. (2000).  “The Effects of Divorce on America” The Heritage Foundation Background Executive Summary, No. 1373.
  • Kelly, J. B. (2005).  “Developing beneficial parenting models for children following divorce.” Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers,19: 237-254.
  • Velez, C.E., Wolchick, S.A., Tein, J.Y., and Sandler, I. (2011).  “Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: A longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes.” Child Development, 82 (1): 244-257.
  • Holmes, T, and Rahe, R., (1967) “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale.”
    Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2): 213-218.
  • Shaw, L. (2010).  “Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis.” Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27(4): 447-467.

 
Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist, a board-certified clinical hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist and a former professor of Human Services at Saddleback College.  In private practice in Laguna Hills, CA, since 1983, Dr. Hughes is a respected expert and sought-after speaker on the effects of divorce on children.  In 2003 she became one of the founding members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County, and is also a co-founder of and trainer for the Collaborative Divorce Education Institute in Orange County, CA, a non-profit organization, whose mission is to educate the public about peaceful options for divorce, as well as to provide quality training for collaborative divorce professionals.  She frequently trains and mentors collaborative practitioners and has appeared on the Time Warner Public television series “How to Get a Divorce”.  Carol has been a presenter at conferences of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and at California’s annual statewide conferences for collaborative professionals.  In 2011 Carol was honored with the Eureka Award, which recognizes those who have made significant contributions and demonstrated an abiding dedication to establishing and sustaining Collaborative Practice in California.  For a complete listing of her collaborative practice training and teaching workshops please visit www.CollaborativePractice.com, the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and click on the “Locate a Collaborative Professional near you” link.  In addition, please visit her website at www.DivorcePeacemaking.com and www.CDEI.info.