For the past three decades, the divorce rate for those 50 and older, known as “gray divorce,” has continued to climb in the U.S. and abroad. In 1990, 9% of persons getting divorced were aged 50 and older. By 2019, more than 36% of people getting divorced were at least age 50. Researchers predict that by 2030, the divorce rate for this population will grow by another third.
Divorce is the second most stressful life event, second only to the death of a loved one. Divorce can undermine individual well-being. Research also indicates that most people are distressed long before the divorce begins and remain so several years after divorce. Research about adult children of divorce found that some adult children avoid parental conflict by reducing contact with their parents.
Parent-Child Relationships and Parent Adjustment in Gray Divorce.
Carol writes:
Miriam, a 53-year-old successful businesswoman, shares her experience. “I can’t believe I’m in this situation! About two years ago, my husband and I began our divorce process. After my husband and I had been separated for about 18 months, I started dating someone, even though we hadn’t completed our divorce. The man I was dating volunteered in a non-profit food bank, where my husband and I volunteered. When my husband found out I was dating this man, he believed I wanted a divorce because I had been having an affair with him. It wasn’t true, but I couldn’t convince my husband. He was so upset that one day, he told our adult children that I wanted a divorce because I had been seeing the man during our marriage.
Jonathan, a 50-year-old teacher and father of two children, shares a similar story. “When I told our children I was filing for divorce, they seemed to take it well. My son understood how unhappy I had been in the marriage because he noticed how my wife frequently sarcastically put me down or was distant. My daughter and I have always had a close relationship. He has the same sarcastic humor as her mother, took her side in the divorce, and blamed me for breaking up the family. I’m still in shock and can’t believe it has been almost two years since she and I have had no interaction! She and her boyfriend spend time at her mom’s but not with me. Our son tells me he thinks I am depressed. I feel sad, maybe even depressed, most of the time. Even though I have a good relationship with my son, I feel such a heart-breaking loss about my daughter. Every day, I have trouble being optimistic about much, which isn’t like me. “
New Research about Parent-Adult Child Disconnectedness
Until recently, the parent-adult-child relationship’s role in parents’ adjustment to gray divorce was largely unknown. Newly published research explained what Miriam and Jonathan may be experiencing. Researchers Brown and Lin tracked depressive symptoms before, during, and after gray divorce. They found the lack of any contact with at least one adult child in the past twelve months significantly exacerbated the negative impact of gray divorce on parental well-being for both mothers and fathers.
Unexpected Shock and Grief
Although Jonathan and Miriam initiated their divorces and envisioned a happier life ahead, they were unprepared for the shock and grief that arose from their disconnection from an adult child. They were likely experiencing profound grief from losing their relationship with their estranged adult children.
Shock, sadness, and even depression is a part of the grieving process. Miram’s sleep disturbance, lack of appetite, and disinterest in doing well at work and fun activities could be symptoms of grief. Jonathan was aware of his sadness, and maybe even depression, and inability to be positive, which could also be symptoms of grief.
If you are considering filing for divorce and having difficulty coping with disconnectedness from one of your adult children, consider the family-focused collaborative divorce process, where one of the professional members is an adult child specialist who can educate you and your adult children about how divorce can create a complex emotional landscape and relationship estrangement, and how you can heal and create re-connection.
This article is adapted from an article originally published on PsychologyToday.com
References
Brown, S. L., & Lin, I.-F. (2022). The graying of divorce: A half century of change. The Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 77(9), 1710–1720. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbac057
Brown, S. L., & Lin, I.-F. (2012). The gray divorce revolution: Rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults, 1990–2010. The Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 67(6), 731–741. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbs089
Brown, S. L., Lin, I.-F., Hammersmith, A., & Wright, M. R. (2019). Re-partnering following gray divorce: The roles of resources and constraints for women and men. Demography, 56(2), 503–523. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-018-0752-x
Buber, I., & Engelhardt, H. (2008). Children’s impact on the mental health of their older mothers and fathers: Findings from the survey of health, ageing, and retirement in Europe. European Journal of Ageing, 5(1), 31–45. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10433-008-0074-8
Campbell, M. (1995). Divorce at mid-life: Inter-generational issues. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 23(1/2), 185–202. https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v23n01_12