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Dr. Carol Hughes

Why Some Adult Children Become Estranged from Parents During and After Divorce

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The estrangement of adult children from their divorcing parents is a complex and emotionally charged phenomenon that arises from a mix of emotional, psychological, and social factors. Divorce can disrupt familial bonds, creating ripples that affect immediate family members and multiple generations. However, repairing these fractured relationships is often possible with patience, dedication, and professional guidance.

The Impact of Divorce on Family Dynamics

Divorce, particularly among long-married couples, can place significant strain on relationships between parents and their adult children. With life expectancy increasing, divorcing parents may find themselves navigating family dynamics that span multiple generations, including children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. The reasons adult children may distance themselves during or after their parents’ divorce are varied and often deeply personal.

Here are some of the most common causes of estrangement and potential pathways to resolution:

Common Causes of Estrangement and Resolutions

Value Conflicts

When a parent’s actions contradict the values they once instilled in their children, it can lead to estrangement. David’s infidelity and subsequent marriage to his new significant other caused his 30-year-old son, Andrew, to feel disillusioned. Andrew distanced himself from his father for three years, even barring him from seeing his grandchildren.

Resolution: With the guidance of a neutral family specialist during his collaborative divorce, David and Andrew explored each other’s perspectives and developed mutual compassion. This allowed them to reconcile, ultimately reuniting David with his son and grandchildren.

Loyalty Conflicts

Loyalty conflicts often arise when divorcing parents inadvertently place their children in the middle of their disputes. For example, 21-year-old Maria was overwhelmed when her mother, April, pressured her to side against her father. Feeling trapped and burdened, Maria chose to sever communication with her mother.

Resolution: As part of their collaborative divorce professional team, April met with a neutral family specialist to work through her feelings of anger and betrayal. She apologized to Maria and assured her that maintaining a relationship with both parents was important. This facilitated healing and eventually restored their bond.

Dependency Manipulation

Divorce can sometimes lead to one parent using their financial or emotional support as leverage. Hiromi, for instance, manipulated her 25-year-old son, Steven, by criticizing his father, Hector. To avoid the stress this caused him, Steven cut ties with Hector.

Resolution: A neutral family specialist on their collaborative divorce team helped Hiromi recognize the harm she was causing. She later encouraged Steven to reconnect with Hector, allowing father and son to rebuild their relationship.

Rebuilding Relationships

Reconnecting after estrangement requires time, patience, and effort. Research shows that many adult children become estranged during or after their parents’ divorce. Parents like David, April, and Hiromi, who take the initiative to work with a neutral family specialist and learn how they harm their adult children, can expedite the healing process for their children and themselves.

A Collaborative Approach to Divorce

The Collaborative Divorce Process provides a framework to reduce conflict and promote healing during divorce. This method involves a team of professionals, including collaborative family lawyers, neutral family specialists, and financial specialists. Together, they support the emotional well-being of all family members, including adult children.

Albert Camus’s words resonate deeply in this context: “Peace is the only battle worth waging.” By prioritizing reconciliation and understanding, families can navigate the challenges of divorce with compassion and emerge happier and more at peace about how their family has changed.

© 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., co-author of Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce.

*Names and details changed to protect privacy.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You During Your Separation and Divorce?

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The word “coach” has many meanings. Collaborative Divorce Coaches differ significantly from the “certified divorce coaches” who have proliferated in the past ten years. In the collaborative divorce process, the Divorce Coaches must hold a license in a state, province, or country that requires an advanced degree in a recognized clinical mental health field, requires continuing education, and is regulated by a governing body under a code of ethics. Their license must remain in good standing with their licensing boards, and they must comply with the highest standards of their licensing boards. They may be licensed psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional clinical counselors, or licensed psychiatrists and must have at least five years’ experience working with couples and families experiencing separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have a background, education, and a minimum of five years’ experience post-licensure in:

  • Family systems theory
  • Individual and family life cycle and development.
  • Assessment of individual and family strengths
  • Assessment and challenges of family dynamics in separation and divorce
  • Challenges in restructuring families after separation1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches must have completed the following training requirements:

  • An Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Training that meets the requirements of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals’ (IACP’s) Minimum Standards for Introductory Interdisciplinary Collaborative Practice Trainings.
  • At least one thirty-hour training in client-centered, facilitative conflict resolution, of the kind typically taught in mediation training (interest-based, narrative, or transformative mediation programs.
  • An accumulation or aggregate of fifteen hours of training in any or all the following areas:
    • Basic professional coach training
    • Communication skills training
    • Advanced mediation training
    • Collaborative training beyond the minimum nineteen hours of initial Collaborative training
    • A minimum of three hours aimed at giving mental health professionals a basic understanding of family law in their jurisdiction1

Collaborative Divorce Coaches utilize their training and experience as mental health professionals and trained collaborative professionals to help their clients be their highest and best selves during their separation and collaborative divorce process. Your Collaborative Divorce Coach will:

  • Help you understand the bigger picture of your family system or any situation where you find yourself in a problematic predicament requiring a solution.
  • Assist you in identifying your goals for the Collaborative Divorce Process and works with you to achieve these goals.  
  • Help you determine your impediments to reaching the goals you have identified.
  • Help you determine your strengths that will assist you in achieving your goals.
  • Assist you in building on your strengths and resilience.
  • Encourage you to examine your behaviors and ways of thinking that may impede you from reaching your goals or prevent the resolution of an issue.
  • Assist you in learning self-management skills, including anger and stress management.
  • Educate and motivate you to re-focus your energy and power to achieve your goals.
  • Challenge your thinking by asking thought-provoking questions such as: “Will this (behavior/thinking) help you reach your goal?” “What could you do differently that would help?” “What would you need to do differently to make that happen?”
  • Assist you in shaping your behaviors to those that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Continually identify small achievements and progress toward your goals.
  • Help you master effective skills and behaviors necessary to reach your goals.
  • Assist you in communicating more effectively on your behalf and with your spouse.
  • Help you learn how to manage your emotional reactivity.
  • Encourage you to “think outside of the box” and to understand others’ points of view in the situation.
  • Help your spouse and the professional team members understand you, thus enabling them to work more effectively with you.
  • Ensure that you are taken seriously during the Collaborative Divorce process by your spouse and by the professional team members.
  • Assist you directing your best efforts toward keeping the Collaborative Divorce process moving toward resolution.
  • Provide a conflict resolution model that you and your spouse/partner can use outside the formal meetings and take into the future into your new co-parenting relationship, if you have minor or adult children, as well as into other future relationships.
  • If you have children, assist you and your spouse/partner in co-creating your co-parenting plan for your minor and adult children.
  • Assist you and your spouse/partner co-create your Statement of Highest Intentions for your Collaborative Divorce process that is your “North Star” that guides you and your professional team to keep both of your goals and interests in view.
  • Be a co-equal with all professional team members in leading you toward Agreement Readiness.

In addition to using the above strategies to assist their Clients, the following are some ways that Collaborative Divorce Coaches contribute to the Collaborative Divorce Team and the Collaborative Divorce Process:

The Collaborative Divorce Coaches:

  • Assist the Clients, as well as the Professional Team Members, to regulate their emotions
    during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective communication and negotiation skills during meetings.
  • Assist the Clients in using effective conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts and impasses during meetings.
  • Work with the team, which includes the Clients, to set up the most effective sequences for meetings.
  • Maintain cohesion among the Clients and the Professional Team Members during and
    outside of meetings.

You and your spouse may each have your own Collaborative Divorce Coach, who is aligned with you, or you may choose to have one divorce coach who works with both of you. The above requirements and descriptions of the Collaborative Divorce Coach role also apply to the Neutral Family Specialist.

Divorce professionals estimate that at least 90 percent of the topics divorcing couples must discuss and agree about are emotional. So utilizing two Collaborative Divorce Coaches or one Neutral Family Specialist will significantly benefit you and your spouse as you navigate the emotional currents in your divorce.

Note

1 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Minimum Standards and Ethics, 2018.