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Divorce

Carol Hughes: Advice About Divorce and Adult Children

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Psychotherapist, Divorce Coach, Child Specialist, and Mediator Dr. Carol Hughes was recently featured on the website Bottom Line Inc., in the article “What To Do When Your Parents Divorce – And You’re Already a Grown Up.”

With the holidays ahead, Dr. Hughes explains what the adult children of divorced or divorcing parents need to know to respond to common situations, including:

  • Feelings of abandonment are normal, even for adult children
  • Divorcing parents may lean on adult children for support, and why it can hurt your OWN marriage
  • Divorce parents may battle each other through their adult children, causing conflict between parent and child, or among siblings
  • Old holiday traditions may be broken; consider establishing new holiday traditions
  • It’s normal and it’s OK to feel relieved about your parents’ divorce
  • Four ways divorcing parents can limit the fallout from their divorce for their adult children

The website Bottom Line provides wellness and wealth advice from experts, including Dr. Hughes.  Its approach offers “useful, expert, actionable information to help you navigate your world, saving time and money along the way.”

Read the entire article at this link.

 

The Effect of California Propositions 60 and 90 on Your Divorce

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by Diana L. Martinez Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator, Law and Mediation Office of Diana L. Martinez

When you are trying to navigate a divorce, there are many issues you need to address. If you own property in California, your decisions about your real estate can be among the most challenging, and perilous, if you are not fully informed.

One area often overlooked when making decisions about real property are the tax consequences. The tax implications can end up making a significant impact on your financial well-being, especially if you are part of the current wave of “gray divorces” among adults 55 years and older.

Many older couples who own property qualify for a lower property tax rate under California’s original Proposition 13. At the discretion of each county in California, Proposition 60 and Proposition 90 allow qualifying sellers to carry their Proposition 13 tax base on their original property with them towards the purchase of a new property of equal or lesser value. (Prop 60 governs real estate sales and purchases in the same county; Prop 90 governs real estates sales and purchases between two California counties).

Proposition 13 protects longtime homeowners against escalating property taxes as the value of their property increase. Base year values cannot go up by more than two percent per year, keeping the tax increase at a manageable level. Unless there is a change of ownership, or new construction, the base year value does not change. Unfortunately, this discouraged many people from selling property as their family circumstances changed.

Consider the following example:

Jason, 56, and Julia, 53, want to sell their five bedroom home on a large lot since their children are now grown and have homes of their own. They have lived in their current home for many years. The Proposition 13 base year value of $40,000 from 1975 grew to $66,000 by 2002. Their property tax bill is approximately $700 per year. Their current home assessment value is $400,000. Jason and Julia have found a two-bedroom townhouse for $370,000. But they are unwilling to move because this change of ownership will establish a new tax assessment for the townhouse based primarily on their purchase price, and their tax bill will jump from $700 to approximately $3,700 per year. They are on a fixed income and cannot afford the additional $3,000 per year in taxes.

To resolve this problem, Propositions 60 and 90 permit people over age 55 to sell one home and buy another of equal or lesser value within two years and take the Proposition 13 base value with them. Using the above example, Jason and Julia could move to the townhouse and still pay $700 per year in property taxes (tax rate and fees may make the total bill smaller or larger), plus the future increase of no greater than two percent. There are many requirements to qualify for the tax base transfer, and it can be used only once.

Why is this important in a divorce situation? It can only be used once and it cannot be divided between the spouses. This is the real kicker: family courts do not have this issue on their list of items requiring resolution. In all of my years of practice, I have never heard a judge ask about the tax base transfer.

In recent years, California has seen a sharp increase in gray divorces. Many of these couples are retired or near retirement age. This issue rarely came up in early years since most divorcing couples did not meet the age qualification.

We live in a different world today. What happens if this issue is not resolved or even addressed in your contested, mediated, or Collaborative divorce? The first person to apply for the transfer will get the transfer.

Real Estate Agent Julaine Wagonner of ReMax College Park Realty says often the ex-spouse won’t know his or her ex filed the application first until as late as the end of the year or until they receive their own rejection notice. It can take several months before the county updates the tax records to reflect a reduced/carried over tax base.

This is just one of several financial risks often missed during a divorce. Others include how to allocate any capital gains tax, for example. It is easy for even the most experienced family law attorney to overlook these issues. Confer with a financial professional who can assess your personal circumstances and work with your family law attorney to address and resolve these issues before you sign any judgment or make any requests for orders of the judge related to your real estate. Get the information from the expert to make sure your decisions are as complete as they can be, to set yourself on a path for a successful future.

Your Brain on Divorce: How to Take Charge

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by Jann Glasser, Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Coach/Psychotherapist, and Collaborative Coach

During your divorce, you may find your heart pounding and your thoughts racing as if you were driving in the Indy 500. An email, text or voicemail from your attorney, accountant or spouse in your inbox may result in fear and dread as immediate reactions. This is one example of the brain on divorce; easily triggered, distraught and overwhelmed. You are trying to function while stressed, sad, and sleep deprived, reacting as if under attack.

Divorce is one of the most significant losses and stressful life events people experience. Unlike other losses, there is no bereavement leave from work, no sympathy cards, and no rituals that bring your friends and family around you to acknowledge the loss. Life goes on without skipping a beat. You are expected to go on.

Not only are you expected to go on, but you are also expected to gather all financial paperwork, other information, make time in your schedule for additional meetings, phone calls, emails, help your kids cope, and be prepared to make major parenting and financial decisions that have long term consequences. No wonder you’re exhausted and overwhelmed!

Being such a stressful process, divorce can bring someone to their knees even if they generally cope well at other times, turning a well-adjusted, reasonable person into a raving maniac. When you understand what’s going on in your body and mind under stress, it can help you have compassion for yourself and also choose effective coping strategies.

Your brain is responding to the divorce as a threat. The part of your brain that manages emotion and the fight-flight-freeze response (the limbic system or mid-brain) kicks into high gear. We commonly refer to it as “the right brain.” This part of your brain is essential to keeping you alive. It looks out for threats and is quick to react.

However, it is not helpful for planning, making decisions, and considering consequences of your actions. The part of the brain that takes control when you are upset, angry, or scared (during much of your divorce!) is responsible for your racing heart, tight chest, and flushed face. It contributes to your confusion and indecision. When your brain is preparing for a fight or to run for your life, it has shut down access to the “thinking, reasoning” part of your brain (left brain). Unfortunately, it is this part of your brain that needs to be in charge when negotiating your divorce settlement, making financial decisions, working with your co-parent, parenting, and planning for your “new normal” and future. Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D. of the University of Kentucky, aptly describes this part of the brain as controlling the “Pause and Plan” response.

Coping effectively during your divorce involves shifting from the “Fight or Flight” emotional “right brain” responding to threat and putting the “Pause and Plan” within in your “left brain” in charge. This part of your brain executes a plan after evaluating information and considering consequences. When you are able to do this, you increase self-control as well as your ability to manage emotions, evaluate information, make decisions, and make plans.

How can you access “Pause and Plan” when your brain is locked down in threat mode? The following options help strengthen your “big brain” and promote resilience:

  • Make sure you have the energy needed for your brain to optimally function. A healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep are essential to your body having the energy it needs.
  • Excess sugar and alcohol are not your friends now. Drowning your woes in a gallon of ice cream or a bottle of booze won’t help you cope for long..
  • Pause. Your emotional “right brain” is lightning fast. Your body and mind need time to slow down the reaction and realize your current situation, while stressful, is not life or death. Breathing slowly is a great way to use your body to send signals to your brain that you are not in mortal danger. Meditation, or daily mindfulness exercises can be a huge help here. It also gives you time to begin to think, engaging your “left brain”
  • Heighten your awareness. Observing yourself and your situation is a function of the left brain. When you pause to observe what’s going on, you activate that part of your brain. This opens up options for you to consider and the opportunity to be less reactive.
  • Seek support from others. Believe it or not, there is “good news” in how our body responds to stress. Not only does our body release adrenaline to help us jump into fight-flight action, but it also releases oxytocin (sometimes called the bonding, love, or cuddle hormone). This hormone encourages us to seek out support and physical contact from others. It also seems to help heal and regenerate heart cells! Our body and mind, in its’ infinite wisdom and complexity, is actually built to help us manage stress and heal a “broken heart.” Seeking out supportive relationships as well as receiving and giving hugs can help you calm down, pause, feel protected from attack, and as a result, be able to access your thinking brain.
  • Change your mindset. Stress itself is not the main problem that creates the negative impact on our health and well-being, but it’s how we perceive the stress that is the problem. Instead of interpreting the stress in your life, the divorce, and your reactions to it as harmful to you, you have another option. If you interpret this hard time in your life as a difficult challenge; one that you have the courage and strength to rise above, you can emerge stronger and better. You will also be less negatively impacted by the stress!
  • Practice self-compassion. Exercising this part of your brain not only can help you feel better about yourself, it can also contribute to self-control and motivation towards long-term goals. Next time you feel like getting down on yourself, try a little tenderness instead.
  • Beef up the parts of the brain you want working for you during this difficult time; don’t keep them in hibernation or overcome by volatile emotions. Emotions are faulty navigational tools when used as the primary source of decision-making.
  • Be open to new information and experiences. By definition, many aspects of your life change in response to divorce. You probably will have to take on some new roles, behaviors, and skills. You may even want to try something new.

New experiences, even those we don’t want, create opportunities for growth. Considering new perspectives, trying new things and being open to new information literally helps your brain grow. This can contribute to making better decisions, being more motivated, exerting more self control and being more compassionate. These not only are keys to well-being and resilience, but a new, improved you and a life well lived.

If you are struggling with the stress of divorce, consider this knowledge about the brain and what you can do to optimize your resilience and essential brain functions during this difficult time. You might find the outcomes of your efforts are the silver lining in the divorce cloud, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Divorce is painful. There is no way around it. The good news is that your mindset about it has a great impact on how damaging this stressful event will be to your mind and body. Attitude is everything!

The Most Important Decision You Will Make in Your Divorce

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by Brian Don Levy, Esq., Collaborative Attorney & Mediator

The case history: John first came to see me looking for an attorney to represent him in his divorce case in family court. This is the most important choice he will have to make in the entire divorce process: choosing the process for his divorce case.

As a firm believer in the Collaborative Divorce Process, we discussed why John should consider the Collaborative Divorce process, which is part of every initial divorce consultation – when I meet with clients – I discuss divorce process options.

John then disclosed he had already been in mediation with some of my legal colleagues. John’s wife, Mary, withdrew from the process. He was distrustful of the process and not inclined to give it another try.

In spite of John and Mary’s failure, I still believed the Collaborative Process would serve them well. Nearly a year later, the divorce case was successfully concluded through the Collaborative Process.

How did we make this work?

I suggested that this would be a different experience because we would build a more complete team of collaborative professionals. I also suggested that I would ask the team to implement a protocol of reducing each and every agreement to a Collaborative Stipulation & Order to be signed by the parties and submitted to the Court for a Judge’s signature, thus creating a safety net – if either party withdrew, there would be the underlying agreements that have become Court Orders, thus the failed history would not be repeated. John became enrolled in the process that I envisioned for him.

The Family

John is a successful and employed individual who works in the entertainment industry. Mary, his wife, lacks trust in John because of John’s history of drug abuse and failed attempts at sobriety.

John lacks trust in Mary due to her history of making agreements and refusing to honor them. Mary believes that John is not worthy of being a father to their five-year-old twins and cannot be trusted due to his history of serious drug use. John believes that Mary is smothering the children and won’t let go. John has been practicing sober living for approximately 18 months and believes that as long as he is willing to evidence his sober living, he should not be kept away from his children.

The Collaborative Divorce Team

The Collaborative Practice Professional Team consisted of two collaborative lawyers, a neutral financial professional, and three very strong mental health professionals – two serving as coaches for John and Mary, and one serving as the Neutral Child Specialist.

Our Professional Team relied upon each other time and again, and the channels of communications were constant and open. The final electronic file for this case contained nearly 1,300 Professional Team e-mails.

John and Mary both had their respective coaches, and the children had a gifted Neutral Child Specialist whom the team relied upon to keep the parents focused on their children to the greatest extent possible instead of the own individual agendas. The Professional Team worked diligently and often times conducted three-way telephone conferences to remove temporary impediments and roadblocks created by the parties. The very first time that Mary made an agreement on visitation and then refused to honor it, a series of teleconferences ensued late on a Friday afternoon, resulting in an honoring of the agreement and John’s first overnight with his children.

Our Working Agreements

Three process agreements were co-created and agreed to by the parties. John agreed that given his history, he had the burden of proving his sober living as a condition precedent to being an involved parent to his twin children. John submitted random urine tests twice a week to his coach, who then sent the results to the rest of the Professional Team members. The second protocol was that every agreement would be and was reduced to a collaborative stipulation and order that was filed with the Court, and became an enforceable court order. The Third team protocol was that the Professional Team exchanged their personal cell phone numbers and committed to be available to all Professional Team members as needed and dictated by the family problems as they occurred.

The First Crisis

After several months of negative random drug tests, John tested positive for opiates!

When confronted by his coach, he broke down and cried; swearing that he had not fallen and had not used any drugs. What to do? John’s Coach and lawyer, and Mary’s Coach agreed that before reacting to the “dirty test” the possibility of a false positive had to be explored first. The urine test was re-submitted for additional testing, and John was asked to take a hair follicle test. The hair follicle test and the re-test of the urine test both concluded that John had in fact continued on his path of sober living, and the prior positive test was in fact a false positive. Eventually, John was moved from twice a week random urine tests to quarterly hair follicle tests, then to every six months.

The Second Crisis

Mary fired her collaborative Lawyer, and John saw that she once again reneging on her commitment. As it turned out, Mary replaced her collaborative lawyer with another collaborative lawyer, and I was able to point out to John that in so doing, she evidenced her commitment to the collaborative process. Confidence was rebuilt quickly, trust was re-enforced, and we proceeded forward.

The Victory for the Children

As John moved through the process of providing proof of his sober living in an irrefutable manner, the team worked with Mary in making her more comfortable moving from John having very little contact with the twins to being a truly involved parent who enjoyed equal time share with the twins and lots of overnight visits. The children benefited from the more normal and less restricted contact with their father, and now enjoy having two parents and two homes to grow in.

The Victory for the Clients

John and Mary’s divorce case is finished. But the coping and negotiating skills both of them learned through their Collaborative coaches will always be with them and will serve them in many situations for the rest of their lives as they effectively co-parent their children.

The Victory for the Process

The process which was originally described as “failed” succeeded in a significant way in that this very high conflict and contentious case was successful after the collaborative team was assembled, an accurate and detailed assessment was made, and a plan for success was carried out by all of the Professional Team members.

Many other Collaborative Practice professionals believe cases with chemical or alcohol dependency are not well suited for the Collaborative Process. While that may or may not be true for all cases, this case demonstrates that each divorce case is unique. The essential ingredient for a successful Collaborative Law case is an initial in-depth assessment by the Professional Team so it can determine what the family dynamics require, and how to position the parties for success.

My experience on this team has been invaluable in my journey as a Collaborative lawyer, as well as serving as an impressive and hopeful example of what we can do together.

Tips for Talking With Young Children About Your Upcoming Separation or Divorce

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Note: To avoid the clumsiness of using “child/children,” “children” is intentionally used throughout this article

It is clear you care about doing the best you can for your children through the separation and divorce process, because you are reading this article. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is. Remember to keep taking slow, deep breaths. You and your children will get through this difficult time.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare to talk with your minor children.

Agree on a time when you and your spouse can talk with your children together. Siblings need the support system they can provide each other. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such. Ideally, it is best to share the news with your children when they will have adequate time to absorb what you will be telling them; for instance, when they do not have to go back to school in a day or two after hearing the news.

Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so that you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember that your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage and they will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

Tell them that the two of you have decided to end your marriage and live in different homes because you have adult problems between you that you haven’t been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations. Assure your children this is NOT THEIR fault. Children often automatically assume responsibility for family issues.

Reassure your children you love them, you will always love them and you will always be their parents. Avoid saying that you don’t love each other any more. Children then think perhaps their parents could stop loving them one day as well. This unsettles them and the stable foundation having two loving parents provides.

Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you to show a united front to your children. This news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and feel they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Children often report they hate being put in this position and feel each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

Tell them what is going to remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and you will always love them. Explain you will be amicable so you can both attend their activities and family gatherings and not create tension for them, other family members or their friends. Explain your living situation (who is staying in the family home, etc.). Describe what will remain the same (school, activities, etc.). Assure them that they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.

Next, tell them what is not going to remain the same. Tell them if you both will be moving into new homes. If feasible, involve them at the appropriate time, for example, once you have narrowed your choices down to two options. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make children feel guilty and angry at their other parent.

You are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand what you are sharing with them. Acknowledge the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, (how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy). Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Remember, their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history is being rewritten. They are losing their world.

Tell them that you still believe in family and that you hope they will too. Tell them that you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs.

Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. Depending on their ages, your children may recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.

Assure your children this is a process for all of you to move through, at your own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage your children to speak with a counselor or youth pastor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, to talk about your feelings.

Take advantage of the Child Specialist available to you and your children as part of the Collaborative Divorce process to give your children a safe, healthy outlet to express themselves and begin the journey toward a positive, happy future.

How to Talk About Your Divorce With Your Adult Children

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by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

One of the most difficult steps in the divorce process is talking about your decision with your adult children. It may feel like admitting a failure, or letting them down.

Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members and should be treated as such, even when your children are no longer “kids.” Children who are adults when their parents divorced consistently report years later the news of their parents’ divorce “rocked the very foundation” of their world.

You are making a good start and doing the best you can. You are reading this blog post. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. No one is perfect. Breathe deeply; you and your children can get through this difficult time together. These tips will help guide you through this process.

  1. Schedule a time when you can speak with your children together and preferably in person. Siblings benefit from the support system they can provide each other. When you are scheduling the time to talk, tell them you have something important to discuss with them. Assure them no one is sick or dying. If they ask you what you want to talk about, tell them you prefer to discuss it in person when you are together.

If it isn’t possible to speak in person, schedule a time to speak via Skype, Face Time or another video chat program. Avoid telling them via telephone and especially resist the temptation to communicate via email. It is too impersonal.

  1. Plan your presentation to your children in advance. Make some notes about what you plan to say and review them so you are familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what they may say to you. You can have the notes in front of you, if you wish, and simply say, “We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us and we don’t want to forget anything.”

Remember your children will likely be in emotional shock after you tell them your intentions to end your marriage. They will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them multiple times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with them being able to fully take in all that you are sharing.

  1. Explain the two of you have decided to end your marriage because you have problems between you have not been able to resolve. Avoid using the word “divorce” because it is laden with negative connotations.
  1. Avoid blaming each other. This is the time for the two of you show a united front to your children. Remember this news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it for many years. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict, causes them to experience divided loyalty and forces the impression they need to choose sides, as well as feel guilt for loving both of you. Adult children report they hated being put in this position and feeling that each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.
  1. Tell them what will remain the same. Tell them that you are all still family, you will always be their parents and your intention is to be amicable so that you can both attend family gatherings and not create tension for them and their significant others. If they are still in college, tell them if you will be continuing the financial arrangements you have had in place. Tell them if one of you intends to stay in the family home. Assure them they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.
  1. Tell them what will not remain the same. You may be unable to continue the financial arrangements you had regarding college. You may intend to sell the family home. If you are helping them pay off college loans and won’t be able to continue doing so, inform them. Assure them you will do everything possible to assist them financially, as you have in the past, while at the same time acknowledging there will be some economic impact as the family restructures. It’s important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make them feel guilty or angry at their other parent.
  1. Remember, no matter how old your children are, you are still their parents. It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel and understand. Acknowledge you realize the announcement is a shock and their feelings (anger, sadness, grief, shock, etc.) are normal. Focus on and be empathetic with THEIR feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings, e.g., how you haven’t been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy, etc. Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so. Bear in mind their familial foundation has just been rocked and their family history has been rewritten. They have become members of the “lost nest” generation. There will be no “family nest” to return to at the holidays.
  1. Tell them you still believe in family and you hope they will too. This doesn’t mean that they will not be able to having a strong and happy relationship. Tell them you don’t expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. This is your job, not theirs. Tell them you have, or plan to have, your own support system separate from them and you want them to establish a support system for themselves as well.

Online groups for adult children whose parents are divorcing can be helpful. The books “A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years,” and “The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents’ Divorce after a Lifetime” (both available via Amazon.com with excellent reviews) will help them realize they are not alone.

  1. Avoid telling them you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them. This will make them feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. They will recall their childhood memories and wonder: ‘What was real and what wasn’t real? Were you really happy on those family vacations? Has my whole life been a sham?’ Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member’s perception of their past, their present and their future.
  1. Assure them that this will be a process for all of you to move through, at our own pace and in your own way. Assure them you will always love them and you will always be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know they aren’t alone so they don’t become isolated and depressed. Encourage them to speak with a counselor about their feelings. Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well, because you have learned the end of a marriage is a major life stressor for all family members, second only to the death of a loved one. This too shall pass.

 

Recovering From the Fog of Divorce

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by Leslee J. Newman, CFL-S, Family Law Attorney

Members of Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County had a wonderful opportunity to train with Vicki Carpel Miller and Ellie Izzo, Collaborative mental health professionals from Scottsdale, Arizona. Miller and Izzo discussed how people going through divorce are often in a “fog” of confusion and paralysis. Our job as competent and compassionate Collaborative professionals is to help each of the spouses to “recover” through what we hope will be a transformative process through Collaborative Practice.

How does this happen? By the use of a cohesive and skilled team of Collaborative professionals—attorneys, mental health, and financial professionals– who can alert you, educate you, and bring you out of the chaos and into the sunlight.  This can be done by identifying the different phases of transition and encourage the following stages of recovery:

Recovery Mode: Burned out, over stimulated. Trying to be productive is hard. Transition by focusing on the basics like adequate sleep, water, exercise, the comfort of friends, etc.

You have a little bit more energy but still hard to focus.  Start by creating new experiences in your life by meeting new people, learning something new, and reaching out to others you haven’t seen in a while.  Novelty will help to stimulate you

Work Mode: Start to fix, clean, organize and maintain.  The energy is starting to recover as you catch up with work and tasks that you’ve let slide.

Self Mode: Start to think about yourself, your values, beliefs, and interests.  Start to make decisions that are best for the long term even if those decisions are hard to make.

Flow Mode: By now you should have identified at least one interest that you are ready to pour your soul, time, and energy into developing something bigger than  yourself.

People Mode: Repair important relationships and have necessary and difficult conversations with friends, relatives, and colleagues.

Gold Mode: You’ve developed a positive outflow of energy as you have solidified goals, relationships, your work, and your values.  You are feeling much more resilient  and your energy to concentrate has been restored.  You are now open to switching modes when faced with future random events.

Have you faced a previous crisis in your life, or family transition like divorce, which led you from a “fog” to strength.  If so, please share.

The Gray Divorce

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by Leslee J. Newman, CFLS, Family Law Attorney

Although divorce rates in the United States have seen a decrease in the last decade, divorce rates for couples over 50 have doubled. According to U.S. Census Bureau data, in 2010, one out of every 20 people in the U.S. who divorced was over the age of 65!   Now, with the retirement of the “Baby Boom” generation (persons born between 1946 and 1967), the numbers of divorcing seniors is expected to escalate.  This phenomenon is often referred to as “gray divorce.”

Some reasons for this increase in gray divorce include the following:

  • There’s no longer a social stigma for seniors divorcing.
  • Seniors are living longer and are generally healthier.
  • Our culture promotes happiness.

A few years ago, a Chicago area billboard advertised divorce with a message that life was too short to be miserable.

Are you a senior and contemplating divorce? Have you helped a parent, colleague or friend who was in their 50s, 60s, or older get through their divorce? Does it make sense financially for a senior married couple to divorce?