Family Issues

Carol Hughes: Advice About Divorce and Adult Children

November 29, 2016 By CDSOC

Psychotherapist, Divorce Coach, Child Specialist, and Mediator Dr. Carol Hughes was recently featured on the website Bottom Line Inc., in the article “What To Do When Your Parents Divorce – And You’re Already a Grown Up.”

With the holidays ahead, Dr. Hughes explains what the adult children of divorced or divorcing parents need to know to respond to common situations, including:

Feelings of abandonment are normal, even for adult children

Divorcing parents may lean on adult children for support, and why it can hurt your OWN marriage

Divorce parents may battle each other through their adult children, causing conflict between parent and child, or among siblings

Old holiday traditions may be broken; consider establishing new holiday traditions

It’s normal and it’s OK to feel relieved about your parents’ divorce

Four ways divorcing parents can limit the fallout from their divorce for their adult children

The website Bottom Line provides wellness and wealth advice from experts, including Dr. Hughes. Its approach offers “useful, expert, actionable information to help you navigate your world, saving time and money along the way.”

Read the entire article at this link.

Men Speak A Different Divorce Language

September 29, 2016 By CDSOC

by Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD, LMFT, CFC

We generally understand that men and women take in information differently. Men are typically more visual and women are typically more verbal. Many times men and women speak different languages. Men have three primary areas of their lives which greatly influences their level of self-esteem and impacts their sense of well-being: work, home, and sex. For women, these areas are money, family, and intimacy. No overlap at all!

Ask a man to give his definition of money, family, and intimacy. Next, ask him to give his definition of work, home, and sex. You will find a significant difference between these two definitions. Men and women label these traits with different names, indicating just how differently we view them.

Divorce is all about these things: Work, home, family, money, sex and intimacy. Without speaking the same language, it’s no surprise men and women have so much trouble navigating marriage and divorce. So let’s take a closer look at these concepts based on my experience as a divorce coach working with many couples on these issues.

Work / Money

For most men, going to work is more than earning money. Work helps to define who we are. Our work is part of our identity. Our work directly impacts how we feel about ourselves. Our work significantly influences our level of life satisfaction, our sense of well-being. Our work provides us a level of both self-respect and respect from others. Having doubts? Check me out. Interview a recently unemployed man and observe his level of self-esteem, his sense of well-being, and his feeling of self-respect.

Home / Family

Most men receive a great deal of satisfaction in knowing they are not only providing a home, they are protecting their home for their family. Men have a healthy sense of pride in being able to provide for our family (food, shelter, and clothing). This satisfaction and pride translates into a greater sense of well-being and an increased level of self-esteem.

Sex / Intimacy

It has been said that for women, intimacy is a necessary prerequisite for sex. For men, it is generally accepted there is no necessary prerequisite for sex. For many women, intimacy leads to sex; for men, sex leads to intimacy. It would appear fair to say men and women not only view sex and intimacy differently, we actually act upon them from opposite directions. As with all relationship issues, the key to the issue of sex versus intimacy is the ability to have open, honest, nonjudgmental communication.

Men Need A Different Divorce Coach

When divorce coaching men, the coach must understand some of the general differences between men and women. Research has shown that men are far less inclined than women to enter therapy. However, there is a significant increase in the number of men who are willing to reach out and work with a divorce coach when they find themselves through into court during a litigated divorce. Hiring a coach has less stigma for men than entering therapy. Coaching is a more accepted activity.

In addition to gender differences, there are differences between age groups, socio-economic groups, and differences within and between cultural, racial, and ethnic groups. All of these groups have their own unique historical backgrounds, group rights and rituals, and group belief systems. An experienced divorce coach will take these issues into consideration when outlining a strategy of how best to meet the needs and necessities of their client entering into the family court system.

When men experience family court, they feel overwhelmed, confused, and threatened. They are threatened by a process and a system with control over their finances and their time with their children. They have no control and little if any input. A divorce coach needs to educate the man on what they are about to experience. They will need to have regular debriefings to process their emotions. Men gain confidence knowing they have the information and feedback from their coach throughout the confusing, frustrating, and stress-filled divorce process.

A divorce coach will set up a proactive plan of action to help the man move forward by teaching him how to emotionally let go of people not doing right by him, to include judges, opposing attorneys, the ex-spouse, over-reactive relatives, and under-informed friends, neighbors, and co-workers. A coach can help a man develop a positive attitude and a level of confidence in dealing with his own attorney.

An experienced coach will help the man keep his emotional issues from getting in the way of objective and logical decision-making, allowing him to think and act in a more centered and directive manner. Enlisting the man as an agent of positive change and requesting his input into all areas of the restructuring process allows the man to feel vested in the process, rather than simply standing by and watching the divorce process take on a life of its own.

When individuals experience the breakup of a relationship it many times includes a loss of trust and a shutdown in communication as a result. With men, this loss produces feelings of insecurity. Insecurities quickly produce feelings of resentment and blame. Feelings of resentment and blame sends men to a place of anger and sometimes rage. Men believe they know how to handle anger. We think we know how to either shut people up or force them away from us by showing verbal and behavioral anger.

Directing the natural anger into a balanced force is critical. During the divorce process, a man will be asked to think rationally, and with a level head. They will be told to get their emotions together. Men must think clearly during negotiations. They cannot and must not be clouded with angry thoughts about their spouse. Such anger results in irrational decision-making, resulting in bad outcomes for him and for his restructuring family.

Going through a divorce, especially a litigated divorce in family court, is the second most stressful event a person will experience, second only to the death of an immediate family member. Sorting through all of this without the benefit of a divorce coach help can be daunting at best, disastrous at worst. The services of a professional, skilled, and experienced divorce coach is well worth the investment.

Many men feel adrift without any support system or coping skills during a divorce.

A Different Set of Divorce Commandments

The right and wrong in a divorce is the same as the right and wrong in life: Being honest, congruent, just, and reasonable is right; being dishonest, incongruent, unjust, and unreasonable is wrong.

Fair is not a part of this process. What is fair for us will probably be considered unfair to our spouse. We need to leave the concept of fair out of our divorce equation.

We need to change what we need to change. We need to let go of those things over which we have no control, or no longer need, or that no longer fits with who we are becoming.

Forgiving someone is not about them. It is about us. When we forgive we release ourselves from our bondage of hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion.

When we change, others around us must inevitably change.

Like our life, our divorce will be different. We need to take outside advice as generalized information for reference purposes only. Misinformation from others is dangerous.

One of the best releases for stress is physical activity. If we are already physically active, we need to stay active. If we are not active, we need to start immediately.

Emotions and feelings are our body’s way of letting us know we are alive. Not right, not wrong, they just are. We either deal with our emotions and feelings on our terms, or we allow them to deal with us on their terms (usually through self-destructive behaviors).

Whether things are going all right or whether they are going all wrong, everything changes. Be prepared for the unexpected. Being prepared for change and the unexpected allows us to roll with the punches without being knocked out of the fight.

We must treat others as we want to be treated–with respect, patience, acceptance, and our understanding of unconditional love.

Children Must Be Heard and Not Seen During a Divorce: The Advantages of the Child Specialist

August 11, 2016 By CDSOC

by Bart Carey, Family Law Attorney

Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

“Divorce is a different experience for children and adults because the children lose something that is fundamental to their development – the family structure. The family comprises the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages, from infancy into adolescence.” — “Second Chances: Men Women and Children a Decade After Divorce”

How many times have you taken your child through a divorce? Helped your child navigate an emotional and transitory life experience that is difficult and opaque for you? Successfully rebuilt the family structure in ways that support your child? And all at a time when you and your spouse are not on the same page.

When it comes to helping your child through a divorce, consider turning to a child specialist to get the best advice and counsel based on the advantages of their specialized education, training and experience.

Here are nine reasons why you should have a child specialist assist you through your divorce process:

It’s not therapy. No one is going to mess with your child. The child specialist’s role is to listen to you and your child and provide you with assistance with developing the best co-parenting plan to meet your child’s needs during and after the divorce transition process.
You don’t know what you don’t know. The child specialist can help you uncover and identify your children’s unspoken needs and concerns, so they can be acknowledged and addressed. A child specialist can help your child navigate the uncertainties of the family transition and illuminate deeper insights for you regarding all of your child’s needs and concerns.
Parents often disagree. Your child specialist works to increase parental consensus building by centering and keeping discussions focused on options that address the child’s needs and concerns.
The devil’s in the details. There are many intricacies to tailoring co-parenting plans to best serve your child an experienced child specialist understands. Your child specialist can educate and expand your knowledge of the ins and outs and the options available.
Children should be heard and not seen. A child is always ‘present’ in the room during negotiations. The child specialist gives your child an independent voice in the room and provides you as parents the insights you might otherwise miss.
You know what you know – until you know better. Your co-parenting plans will go much deeper and be more durable than simply laying out a ‘schedule,’ and you and your co-parent will share a deeper understanding of how the plan serves your child’s best interests.
Your child specialist is the child specialist so your Collaborative attorneys don’t have to be. The Collaborative child specialist is neutral in their relationship to a child’s parents and is only interested in your child’s long term well-being. Need we say more?
Parents become the experts. You learn and develop new and diverse co-parenting skills tailored to your new family structure and circumstances from an expert.
Tomorrow is just a day away. Your child specialist will be available post-divorce for consultation, on as needed basis, as kids grow up and the family changes with new relationships, new spouses, step children and blended families.
It’s all upside. There is no risk. All consultation is confidential, for your use only. You ultimately control decisions and neither the child specialist nor their work may be used in court now or in the future.

It’s not just about a schedule. Decisions about your child’s future have significant and lasting consequences. It’s time to consider your Collaborative child specialist as indispensable to your family’s divorce as your Collaborative attorney.

10 Best Reasons To Do Your Divorce Collaboratively

August 4, 2016 By CDSOC

by John R. Denny, Family Law Attorney Hittelman Strunk Law Group, LLP, Newport Beach, California

The team approach helps you get through the process without going to war.

You will work with a team of legal, financial, and mental health professionals who are specifically trained in the Collaborative Process. They agree to work with you to reach a settlement outside of court.

You make the decisions, not the judge.

In the Collaborative Process, the parties do not go to court. They resolve their differences through cooperative negotiation. Thus, all orders are made with both parties’ agreement.

The process is less expensive than a litigated divorce.

While all cases are different, studies show that a successful Collaborative case is less expensive than a litigated case, even one which settles before trial.

Coaches help you and your spouse learn to communicate in ways which can reduce the adversarial nature of the divorce.

In a full team Collaborative Divorce, each party will work with an assigned mental health professional acting as a coach. Among other things, the coach will assist the party to avoid the type of communication which will further divide the parties, and make settlement more costly and difficult.

Your children’s interests are taken into account, and brought forth through a neutral child specialist.

The child specialist’s role is to be the voice of your children at the Collaborative negotiation table. The child specialist speaks to the children at age-appropriate levels. This enables both parents to have a clearer perspective on what their children really think and feel.

More privacy – less of a court record.

Because you are not in court, your case does not become a public record. The only documents filed with the court are those absolutely necessary to make your agreement legal. You will not file declarations telling the world your private business.

You can avoid going to court.

Because Collaborative Divorces are processed outside of court, you will not be subject to court rules, except those necessary for the court to process your judgment. You will not have to give public testimony in court. You will not have to miss work, or other important functions, to attend court on a date which may be inconvenient for you. You can go as fast or slow as you choose, and not be subject to the delays which budget shortages increasingly cause in litigated divorce cases.

The process allows for more creative resolutions than the court is permitted to offer.

The court is bound by California statutes dictating what must be done in terms of property division, support, and custody. In a Collaborative Divorce, the parties are free (and assisted) to reach a result which uniquely fits their family.

You will acquire skills which will enable you to more effectively co-parent after the divorce.

The Collaborative Process requires the parties to work together in order to solve the issues in their divorce. Working together is a skill which many couples facing divorce have lost. It is exactly what they will need to do in order to effectively co-parent their children after divorce. Thus, going through the process helps the parties with the skills they will need post-divorce.

Result of a Collaborative Divorce: a better life after divorce.

There will be many events for the rest of your lives which a couple will both want to attend post-divorce without making it awkward for everyone else who is there. When you have children, these events include graduations, weddings, and grandchildren events.

Even when you do not have children, there are often overlaps in family and friends. Events with these people can be much less awkward when the divorce process itself has not driven the parties even further apart. This may be the best – and most lasting – reason to do your divorce collaboratively.

Collaborative Divorce Featured in Stu News Laguna

July 21, 2016 By CDSOC

The effect of divorce on children and the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce approach were recently featured in the community news publication Stu News Laguna. Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County member Patrice Courteau was interviewed and provided her insight and expertise on lessening the negative effects of divorce on children, particularly teenagers who are not always considered as vulnerable as younger children.

Read the entire interview at this link to the publication online.

Collaborative Divorce Patrice Courteau in Laguna News

Six Ways a Collaborative Divorce Supports Your Family Values

May 13, 2016 By CDSOC

by Bart Carey, Attorney/Mediator and Family Law Attorney
Law Office of Bart J. Carey, Mediation and Collaborative Family Law

Why do so many people behave so poorly when they separate and divorce? You know what I mean. As people choose to separate and divorce, as we get caught up in emotions and conflict, we say and do things that, in our everyday lives we’d never do or say.

Worse, this behavior is often condoned, counseled and/or supported by well-meaning family friends and even professionals. We fight for control or justification by speaking to and treating our children’s mother or father in ways we’d never condone under any other circumstance. We’d certainly never teach our children such behavior is acceptable, except they actually are learning from observing what we do.

This reality became personal for me when after a number of years as a litigator, I experienced my own divorce. I learned that divorce is not a legal process. It is a life experience.

As a life experience, I had to ask myself how I could square my own behavior with my values as a husband and father. Like many, I can’t say I was proud of everything I said and did.

A big part of the problem was the court process, which pitted parents against each other as adversaries in a win-lose fight while placing the decisions regarding their most precious treasures of their hearts in the hands of lawyers, judges and other professionals.

This experience launched me on a life and career changing journey: how to find, and offer my clients, a process that can be shaped to reflect their values:

A process in which spouses are supported and encouraged to work together, not against each other, to plan the family’s future while protecting their respective rights.
A process which allows the family to fashion a financial plan that provides for everyone’s needs yet still focuses upon the family’s goals and priorities.
A process which helps spouses address and manage their fears and emotions while still being able to choose to behave the way we would teach our children to behave, with respect and dignity for each individual.
A process that allows them to remain a family throughout and after the divorce process.
A process that supports and teaches co-parenting tools so they can better raise their children after transitioning to two households.
A process that supports parents to set a living example for their children of the values they have already worked hard to instill in them during the biggest crisis their family will likely ever face.

There is good news. Collaborative Divorce is that process. Review the information on this website for more information. The Collaborative Divorce process allows me to align my career with my personal values. You will find it a process which allows you to live up to your values.

Did I mention Collaborative Divorce can be easier on the pocketbook than a stressful, contentious litigated divorce, too?

The Role of a Collaborative Divorce Coach

May 7, 2016 By CDSOC

by Jann Glasser, LCSW, MFT

Divorce is just as much a life transition as marriage. Divorce is not about the division of property; it is about the division of lives.

Closure rarely comes with the decree of dissolution issued by the court. Closure can come more easily through Collaborative Divorce, where a team of Collaborative professionals helps you to facilitate peacemaking in a private, respectful process out of court instead of waging war in a courtroom.

Depending upon the needs of the transitioning couple, various professionals are selected to be part of the team assisting spouses in a healthy positive transition from their lives together into two separate households. One of these professionals is the Divorce Coach, a licensed mental health professional who is a specialist with clinical experience in human behavior and family systems. We help families learn new skills in conducting themselves in times of stress during the Collaborative Divorce process.

Our role as Divorce Coaches during a Collaborative Divorce is assist people through the transition process, to provide a soft landing spot for clients to deal with the range of emotions that are inherent in any marital breakup. Coaches can help you to determine what is truly important in the divorce process, for both parents and children. Coaches can also help you release the negative emotional energy that can be part of any divorce, by helping you to develop skills in open communication, self-management and creative problem-solving.

As coaches, we help our clients focus on questions about their personal ethics and conduct, rather than winning and losing. After more than 30 years in the field of professional counseling and mediation, I have learned that divorce is one of the most painful emotional experiences most people can endure in their lifetime.

As a part of your Collaborative team, a Divorce Coach will assist you in separating highly volatile emotions so they do not interfere with sound decision-making. Together, we will create goals to address each area of concern, highlighting strengths as well as identifying challenges.

One of our most important and lasting goals as coaches is helping couples who are parents create co-parenting agreements that will work by helping to focus on the real issues of the future, not past angers and disappointments. Coaches guide couples to turn their issues into mutually shared interests, as they learn new problem solving skills for conflict resolution and post-divorce parenting for the restructured “family apart.”

By choosing to embark upon the road of Collaborative Divorce, and with the assistance of a Divorce Coach to guide you along the way, my hope is that at the end of this journey, you can embrace the spirit of these words found in Genesis 13:8-9: “let there be no quarrel between us for we were once family; let us separate gently; if one goes north, may the other go south; if one goes east, may the other go west. May your house be your house; and may my house be my house, and may strife and contentions not rule our hearts.”

The Most Important Decision You Will Make in Your Divorce

April 30, 2016 By CDSOC

by Brian Don Levy, Esq., Collaborative Attorney & Mediator

The case history: John first came to see me looking for an attorney to represent him in his divorce case in family court. This is the most important choice he will have to make in the entire divorce process: choosing the process for his divorce case.

As a firm believer in the Collaborative Divorce Process, we discussed why John should consider the Collaborative Divorce process, which is part of every initial divorce consultation – when I meet with clients – I discuss divorce process options.

John then disclosed he had already been in mediation with some of my legal colleagues. John’s wife, Mary, withdrew from the process. He was distrustful of the process and not inclined to give it another try.

In spite of John and Mary’s failure, I still believed the Collaborative Process would serve them well. Nearly a year later, the divorce case was successfully concluded through the Collaborative Process.

How did we make this work?

I suggested that this would be a different experience because we would build a more complete team of collaborative professionals. I also suggested that I would ask the team to implement a protocol of reducing each and every agreement to a Collaborative Stipulation & Order to be signed by the parties and submitted to the Court for a Judge’s signature, thus creating a safety net – if either party withdrew, there would be the underlying agreements that have become Court Orders, thus the failed history would not be repeated. John became enrolled in the process that I envisioned for him.

The Family

John is a successful and employed individual who works in the entertainment industry. Mary, his wife, lacks trust in John because of John’s history of drug abuse and failed attempts at sobriety.

John lacks trust in Mary due to her history of making agreements and refusing to honor them. Mary believes that John is not worthy of being a father to their five-year-old twins and cannot be trusted due to his history of serious drug use. John believes that Mary is smothering the children and won’t let go. John has been practicing sober living for approximately 18 months and believes that as long as he is willing to evidence his sober living, he should not be kept away from his children.

The Collaborative Divorce Team

The Collaborative Practice Professional Team consisted of two collaborative lawyers, a neutral financial professional, and three very strong mental health professionals – two serving as coaches for John and Mary, and one serving as the Neutral Child Specialist.

Our Professional Team relied upon each other time and again, and the channels of communications were constant and open. The final electronic file for this case contained nearly 1,300 Professional Team e-mails.

John and Mary both had their respective coaches, and the children had a gifted Neutral Child Specialist whom the team relied upon to keep the parents focused on their children to the greatest extent possible instead of the own individual agendas. The Professional Team worked diligently and often times conducted three-way telephone conferences to remove temporary impediments and roadblocks created by the parties. The very first time that Mary made an agreement on visitation and then refused to honor it, a series of teleconferences ensued late on a Friday afternoon, resulting in an honoring of the agreement and John’s first overnight with his children.

Our Working Agreements

Three process agreements were co-created and agreed to by the parties. John agreed that given his history, he had the burden of proving his sober living as a condition precedent to being an involved parent to his twin children. John submitted random urine tests twice a week to his coach, who then sent the results to the rest of the Professional Team members. The second protocol was that every agreement would be and was reduced to a collaborative stipulation and order that was filed with the Court, and became an enforceable court order. The Third team protocol was that the Professional Team exchanged their personal cell phone numbers and committed to be available to all Professional Team members as needed and dictated by the family problems as they occurred.

The First Crisis

After several months of negative random drug tests, John tested positive for opiates!

When confronted by his coach, he broke down and cried; swearing that he had not fallen and had not used any drugs. What to do? John’s Coach and lawyer, and Mary’s Coach agreed that before reacting to the “dirty test” the possibility of a false positive had to be explored first. The urine test was re-submitted for additional testing, and John was asked to take a hair follicle test. The hair follicle test and the re-test of the urine test both concluded that John had in fact continued on his path of sober living, and the prior positive test was in fact a false positive. Eventually, John was moved from twice a week random urine tests to quarterly hair follicle tests, then to every six months.

The Second Crisis

Mary fired her collaborative Lawyer, and John saw that she once again reneging on her commitment. As it turned out, Mary replaced her collaborative lawyer with another collaborative lawyer, and I was able to point out to John that in so doing, she evidenced her commitment to the collaborative process. Confidence was rebuilt quickly, trust was re-enforced, and we proceeded forward.

The Victory for the Children

As John moved through the process of providing proof of his sober living in an irrefutable manner, the team worked with Mary in making her more comfortable moving from John having very little contact with the twins to being a truly involved parent who enjoyed equal time share with the twins and lots of overnight visits. The children benefited from the more normal and less restricted contact with their father, and now enjoy having two parents and two homes to grow in.

The Victory for the Clients

John and Mary’s divorce case is finished. But the coping and negotiating skills both of them learned through their Collaborative coaches will always be with them and will serve them in many situations for the rest of their lives as they effectively co-parent their children.

The Victory for the Process

The process which was originally described as “failed” succeeded in a significant way in that this very high conflict and contentious case was successful after the collaborative team was assembled, an accurate and detailed assessment was made, and a plan for success was carried out by all of the Professional Team members.

Many other Collaborative Practice professionals believe cases with chemical or alcohol dependency are not well suited for the Collaborative Process. While that may or may not be true for all cases, this case demonstrates that each divorce case is unique. The essential ingredient for a successful Collaborative Law case is an initial in-depth assessment by the Professional Team so it can determine what the family dynamics require, and how to position the parties for success.

My experience on this team has been invaluable in my journey as a Collaborative lawyer, as well as serving as an impressive and hopeful example of what we can do together.